“Stinking Thinking” In Your Marriage And How God Wants To Renew It
"Stinking Thinking" In Our Marriage And How God Wants To Renew It
By Bradley Bennett
The mindsets we bring into our marriage will directly add to or diminish the level of fulfillment we are able to experience.
Our fallen nature and our world train us to think in certain ways that, when brought into our marriage, cause more harm than good. Amanda and I refer to these harmful mindsets as “Stinking Thinking” and I’ve begun to notice just how prevalent they are in our everyday life.
Over the past few months, I’ve found that there’s no hiding my “stinking thinking” in our marriage. If it’s there, then it will create friction through the way I act towards Amanda. I often find myself feeling like Paul in Romans when he writes,
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” ~Romans 7:15
This has been incredibly frustrating for me, and you may be feeling that same frustration, too.
So what do we do?
Allowing God To Renew Our Minds
Lately, I’ve been learning that in order to truly experience the fulfillment God’s destined marriage for, I need to allow Him to renew these “Stinking Thinking” mindsets I carry and replace them with His mindset for marriage.
At the end of the day, you and I are naturally selfish, prideful, and unloving, yet He calls us to be selfless, humble, and always loving in marriage. What this world trains us to do and what God calls us to be are in direct conflict with each other, and the battle is being fought in our mind.
This isn’t a war we can win by fighting harder, though. In fact, the only way we can experience victory is through surrender. Giving God the authority in our lives to renew our mind and remove the “stinking thinking” within.
Renew Selfishness With Selflessness
It’s pretty obvious that selfishness is a natural thing we all deal with as humans.
If you and I were to watch a toddler grow up, we wouldn’t have to teach them to be selfish, they’d learn it on their own… because they’re human!
However, this selfishness can be one of the greatest hindrances to oneness in your marriage. It’s a type of “stinking thinking” that will continually pull you and your spouse apart by prioritizing “Me” above “Us”.
It’s this reason alone that selfishness runs counter to God’s design for your marriage. His desire is that you would give selflessly of yourselves and become one flesh.
I understand how big of a battle this is because it’s one I face almost daily in my marriage. I’ve seen firsthand the hurt that selfishness can cause and I hate it. God’s had to do a ton of work to renew my mind to prioritize loving Amanda over my selfish desires, and there’s plenty of work to be done still!
I share this with you because I want your marriage to bloom in unity and oneness. This can’t happen in our marriages though, until our mindset is renewed to desire selfless sacrifice above our selfish desires.
Renew Pride With Humility
I’m familiar with this type of “stinking thinking” and have written about my experiences with it in my marriage here. If you are wanting a deeper dive into that topic, I suggest you check it out.
Pride is so toxic to marriage because it prevents us from feeling truly know by our spouse and thus stops us from experiencing true intimacy with them.
Pride tells us that our image, or the perception our spouse has of us, is more important than walking in the truth. We wish to protect those things and so we hide parts of ourselves in secrets.
We hide things like how work is really going, the depression we’re truly feeling, or the sin addiction that’s eating us up. We lock them away with a key that we never give to our spouse.
My friend, it’s impossible for true intimacy to take place in your marriage when this is happening. It will eat away at you until you feel alone in your marriage.
This is not what God intends. This is why he calls for us to live in humility,
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” ~James 4:10
When we humble ourselves and allow our spouse to see all of us, He will bless it and lift our marriage up. We get to experience true intimacy within a marriage where we are fully known and thus fully loved.
Renew A Contract Mindset With A Covenant Mindset
Early in our marriage, Amanda and I received some amazing advice from an elderly couple that truly blessed us. They advised us to not view our marriage as a contract but as a holy covenant.
You see, your marriage is so much more than just a piece of paper. It’s a divine covenant you’ve made with your spouse to love them in all ways for all your days.
You and I have been trained to treat all our relationships contractually because it’s “fair”. If you do your part, I’ll do mine. It’s generally the way relationships work in our world.
Your marriage is not like every other relationship, though. It’s called to be more than that!
A contractual relationship breaks down in marriage because it’s built on mutual distrust. It says, “I’m in only as far as you are and the moment you break the contract, I’m out.” While it may help you have a “fair” relationship, it will also prevent you from experiencing God’s best!
In order to experience God’s intended design (His Best!), our minds need to be renewed to view our marriage as a covenant.
Instead of being built on mutual distrust, a covenant is built on mutual trust and extreme vulnerability. In a covenant marriage, spouses have no plan B and fully commit to love each other. They throw “fair” out the window and instead choose Godly love.
Allow God To Renew Your Mind
My friend, I believe God has so much for your marriage. Don’t let harmful mindsets keep you from experiencing it.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” ~Romans 12:2
We can break the patterns of “stinking thinking” from the world by allowing God to renew our mind. When we allow Him to do this, we are transformed and our desires become one with His commands.
It’s a process that takes time, but I know it will be well worth it as you begin to move in step with God’s calling and feel the love within your marriage begin to fully bloom.