Intimacy Without Frustration, Disappointment, Or Confusion
Intimacy Without Frustration, Disappointment, Or Confusion
By Bradley Bennett
Sex is a wonderful gift that’s designed to bring spouses closer together. So why does it often seem to come with feelings of deep frustration, disappointment, or confusion?
The good news, if you’re feeling this way, is that it doesn’t have to. Understanding God’s purposes for sex and learning how to communicate well in this area of your marriage can help you to enjoy this gift unhindered.
Questions, Frustrations, And Clarity
Recently, Amanda and I were asked two specific questions that we believe are common for married couples. We’ve asked them ourselves and you may have, too:
- What Do I Do If My Spouse Desires Sex More Than I Do?
- I’m Confused. What To Do When My Spouse Wants Sex And I Don’t?
These questions illustrate the frustration, disappointment, and confusion that is often prevalent around sex inside of marriage, but they stem from the same source; miscommunication in key areas surrounding sex.
Amanda and I have discovered that the greatest tool we have to fight back against the hindrances that seek to stagnate our intimacy is communication. So, asking similar questions as above, we sat down and talked through what was causing us to feel this way.
What I want to share with you today is the result of that conversation. These are the key areas we talked through that helped us gain clarity. I pray it blesses you the way it’s blessed us.
Agree Upon God’s Purposes For Sex Within Your Marriage
All of us believe sex serves some purpose in our marriage. Unfortunately, the purpose we believe it serves is often different than what our spouse believes.
You see, the purpose that we attribute to sex in our marriage will directly impact the value we place onto it. If we don’t think it has a big purpose, then we will give it little value. This is where the tension comes, because holding sex as less (or more) valuable than our spouse is an open door for all types of issues.
What we need, instead, is a unified vision for the purpose of sex in our marriage.
And what better place to look than to the God that created it?
3 Profound Purposes For Sex In Scripture
Here are three profound purposes that I encourage you to both talk through and allow to shape your thoughts on sex within your marriage.
1. Sex Is For Procreation.
God created sex for us to multiply and bear children. This is a pretty straightforward purpose, but we can see it plainly in God’s word in Genesis,
“Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply…” ~Genesis 1:28a
2. Sex Is For Becoming One Flesh
In marriage, we are designed to become one flesh with our spouse.
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” ~Genesis 2:24
This “becoming one flesh” is the process of becoming completely intimate with each other in all ways. One of the biggest tools we have to build and maintain this intimacy is sex.
3. Sex Is For Proclaiming God’s Goodness To Each Other
Our marriage is a representation of God’s love for us and sex is a way that we join together and proclaim a portion of His goodness to each other.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Christ and the church. ~Ephesians 5:31-32
When we engage intimately with our spouse, we are loving with everything we have. We hide nothing and are giving all of ourselves to them, which is a beautiful representation of how God loves us.
He holds nothing back and gives us all of Him.
Establish Common Expectations For Sex
The space between satisfaction and disappointment is filled with unmet expectations.
When it comes to sex, tension comes when we have expectations for things like frequency and intensity that are not met. This can leave us feeling confused and frustrated.
What I found in my own life, was that I was inflicting this on myself because I had hidden expectations that I wasn’t sharing with Amanda. I was essentially assuming she would hit a target she didn’t know existed.
How crazy is that?!
What Amanda and I had to do, instead, was clearly explain to each other the expectations we were holding and create some common, achievable expectations for sex within our marriage.
A great resource that helped Amanda and I talk through this was a post by Ryan and Selena Frederick called the Spectrum of Sex.
Anchoring Your Expectations In God’s Word
As in all things, we want our decisions to line up with what God’s word says. Here is a great scripture to help you process through expectations for your marriage,
“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” ~1 Corinthians 7:5
In the light of this verse, we are free to set the expectations for sex within marriage so long as it’s regular and neither spouse is depriving the other.
What this means for you will be different than it what means for others.
Don’t worry about what other couples are doing, but communicate and find the sweet spot for you. Set your expectations and allow it to be an ongoing conversation as you find what works for you, in the light of God’s word.
Viewing Sex As An Act of Selfless, Loving Service
Here’s a free tip for you: You and your spouse will rarely have a heavy desire to have sex at the same time.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t go into marriage with this knowledge.
I went in blissfully unaware, thinking we would always be on the same page and romantic moods would hit us at the same time. Newsflash – Newly-married Brad was wrong.
You have probably experienced this yourself, there are times when you desire sex and your spouse doesn’t, and vice versa. These moments can be confusing if we haven’t decided ahead of time how we will handle the moment.
Things shifted for Amanda and I when we decided to view these moments as a way to serve each other in a loving way.
Yielding Your Body To Your Spouse
This shift in our mindset happened as we read through scriptures and came across this passage,
“The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” ~1 Corinthians 7:4
First off, this scripture is not to be abused in order to browbeat your spouse into having sex with you. Instead, it is intended to help us gain perspective on how we can love each other well.
You see, engaging in intimacy with your spouse when you may not desire it is a beautiful opportunity to serve them. It’s yielding your body and desires to them and meeting their needs.
When we entered into the covenant of marriage with our spouse, we became one with them. Our body became theirs and their body became ours.
Communication Is The Best Tool You Have
Sex is a beautiful gift given to us by God and it serves so many valuable purposes within marriage. It’s intended to bring us closer together as we become one and proclaim God’s goodness through our love.
But it’s also an area that can come with a lot of questions and hurt. When left to fester, these things can turn what God intended for good into something that can bring great pain.
My hope is that you feel equipped to have healthy communication with your spouse about sex within your marriage. I pray that you are able to enjoy this wonderful, unitive, and sacred gift of God as he intended it.