Covenant vs. Contract: Simple Advice That Changed Our Marriage
Covenant vs. Contract: Simple Advice That Changed Our Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
I have this weird habit where I corner older couples at weddings and ask them how they’ve built a marriage that lasts. Yeah… I’m that guy.
Most of the time I’ll get the stereotypical answers that everyone’s heard a thousand times. You know the kind… “Don’t sweat the small stuff!” or “Kiss every time like it’s your first!”
Every once in a while, though, I’ll strike gold.
There’s one couple’s advice though, that I remember vividly. The advice we received from them has changed how Amanda and I view our marriage. It may sound simple at first, but my hope is to peel back the layers and share why it’s so powerful.
But enough of that, let’s get to the advice.
Here’s what they said to us that night, “We pursue each other the way God pursues us. He always loves us, so we choose to always love each other.”
Like I said earlier, this idea seems simple, but it has the power to transform your marriage.
In fact, this advice mirrors a command God gives us in John 13:34, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
When I heard this, I realized I hadn’t really been looking to God to understand how to best love Amanda. Instead, I’d been looking at how the world says to love each other.
The first step in loving her the best possible way was to take a hard look at how God loved me.
Learning From How God Loves Us
Fully understanding God’s love would take longer than a lifetime. Instead, I want to pull out one specific part of his love, called a “covenant”, that we see throughout scripture. Understanding this piece is vital for loving our spouse like God loves us.
“So I will turn toward you and make you fruitful and multiply you, and I will confirm My covenant with you.” ~ Leviticus 26:9
Covenants are special because they are built on commitment and trust. God makes many promises, but I want to pull out three specific commitments that relate to his covenant with us. (note: I’m no theologian, this is simply what’s helped me understand)
- Commitment To Never Leave
“Behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age.” ~ Matthew 28:20
God has promised that he’s here to stay. He gives us grace and he forgives us. I don’t go to bed worrying if God is going to be with me the next day.
- Commitment To Give 100% At All Times
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” ~ Romans 5:8
While we were still at our worst, as far from God as possible, He still sent his son to die for us. His sacrifice wasn’t dependant on our actions but His commitment to love us.
- Commitment To Be Vulnerable And Trust
“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.” ~ Psalm 9:10
Putting our trust in God is a no-brainer since he will never let us down. What surprises me is how God fully trusts us with spreading his gospel and love to others. He makes himself vulnerable and gives us the free choice to either choose or reject him
Covenant vs. Contract
When we take our cue from God, we learn to base our marriage on a covenant. Unfortunately, this is far from what we learn from the relationships around us.
Instead of learning to treat our marriage as a covenant, the world trains us to view it as a contract.
This is because contracts are the primary way relationships operate in our world. They’re needed in a fallen world where people sin, but it’s not what God intended for marriage.
A contractual relationship breaks down within marriage because it’s built on mutual distrust. It says, “I’m in only as far as you’re in and the moment you break the contract I’m out.”
Viewing your marriage as a healthy contract doesn’t mean you’re doomed to failure. While it may “work” it will also hinder your marriage from experiencing the fullness that God intended. It will never let you create an “Us Marriage“. You may have “good” but we want you to desire “best” in your relationship!
Contracts are great for dealing with a stranger who’s renting your apartment but not for creating the vulnerability needed to experience marriage at the highest level.
Applying Covenant To Your Marriage
Understanding God’s covenant relationship with us is great, but how does it translate to our marriage? It starts by choosing to shift our contractual marriage into a covenant marriage.
A covenant marriage is based on the same three commitments that God makes to us.
- I Commit To Never Leave You
“No matter what comes, I will never leave you and you are enough for me. There is trust and security for us to grow and be humans. Neither of us has to go to bed worrying if the other will be there in the morning.”
- I Commit To Give 100% At All Times
“Our marriage is not a 50-50 where we meet halfway. We’re both 100-100 giving everything we have. When you’re weak, I will still love. My love for you is not dependant on your performance but on my commitment to love you like Christ loves me.”
- I Commit To Be Vulnerable And Trust You
“There is no part of myself that I will hide from you. I will make myself vulnerable by showing you the good and the bad, trusting that I’m safe with you. Our marriage will live in trust by over-believing in each other and always seeing the best.”
Choosing A Covenant Marriage
Stepping into a covenant marriage is scary. It requires all of you, and it will be tough. There will be times when you’ll have to exercise forgiveness in greater measure than you ever thought possible.
But it’s in those moments that covenant marriages shine. It opens you up to experience oneness and fulfillment in a way that contractual marriages can’t. Covenant replaces distrust and fear with perfect love and commitment. This is what allows it to weather the storms of life and emerge stronger.
I want to encourage you, choose a covenant marriage. Don’t settle for “good enough”, but desire “best” in your marriage! Take your cue from how God loves you.
Once you do, you may find this simple advice can change your marriage too.