4 Common Questions About Selflessness In Marriage
4 Common Questions About Selflessness In Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
It was Sunday afternoon and I had just finished one of the most exhausting weekends of my life. I was so tired I was nodding off while driving home from church.
When I walked through the door I knew there were things I needed to do… clean the kitchen, take out the trash, put up my part of the laundry, etc… But all I could do was plop down on the couch to rest for a second.
Before I knew it, I was sound asleep and snoring! (Atleast that’s what Amanda says)
When I woke up I noticed a few things very quickly.
- I had been asleep for more than an hour
- The trash had been taken out
- The kitchen was cleaned
- And my laundry was gone
It took me all of two seconds to realize what had happened, and I loved Amanda for it. Despite also having a busy weekend, she had selflessly chosen to love me by taking care of my responsibilities.
Selflessness In Marriage
In that moment, my love for Amanda grew and I was so thankful for her. Acts of service like this, sprinkled freely throughout our marriage, make love richer and deeper.
So, if we understand that serving our spouse increases the love in our marriage, then what keeps us from doing it?
It all starts with a little guy I like to call, “self”.
He (or she if you want “self” to be a girl) tells us that we need more: What about my needs and my time? What about ME?!
Giving sacrificial love requires us to die to “self” and give in often uncomfortable or “unreasonable” ways – ways that actually cost us something.
I’m not going to lie, denying “self” and choosing selflessness is something I’ve struggled with. It’s led me to wrestle with this topic a lot. I’ve asked so many questions along the way and I want to share some of them with you.
My hope for you is that you would ponder these questions and open yourself up to the idea of selflessness. That you would see it in a new light and be inspired to love your spouse in even greater ways!
Let’s get started.
What Does It Mean To Be Selfless In Marriage?
Selflessness is a decision to deny what you want in order to help someone else get what they want. In our marriage, this often looks like serving each other when we don’t feel like it. And trust me, you “won’t feel like it” a lot.
The problem is that we’re not used to being selfless. We don’t really learn how to do it when we are single. At the end of the day we get to go home and be as selfish as we want.
But when we are married, we go home and they are still there!
In Ephesians 5:25-32 the Apostle Paul draws a beautiful connection between selflessness in our marriage and Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. The principles that applied to Jesus’s death and resurrection apply to our marriage as well.
We are called to “lay down our lives” for our spouse by serving them unconditionally in the same way that Jesus laid down his life for us. He died so that we could experience new life.
Our marriage can only experience this when we decide to lay down our lives for one another. The act of dying to “self” produces new life within our marriage.
Why Be Selfless When My Spouse Isn’t?
What better time is there to be selfless?
It may not be the easiest time to do it, but there is no better time for it.
Remember, Jesus is our model for being selfless towards our spouse. Having a thriving, fulfilling marriage starts with looking at how he loves us and reflecting that back at them.
Jesus did not wait for us to stop sinning before he loved us enough to lay down his life. In Romans 5:8 it says this,
“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.”
He was selfless while we were still very much selfish and turned from him.
When we model Christ’s behavior we realize our selflessness is not dependent on our spouse’s actions but on our commitment. Their response does not dictate our call.
Showing this extraordinary type of selfless love by serving our spouse is transformative.
Amanda ministers to me the most when she serves even when I’m being a grouch (which happens more often than I like to admit).
When she doesn’t meet me in my selfishness but instead responds with selflessness it changes my heart. I become convicted and desire to love her in the same way.
What’s The Difference Between Being Selfless and Being A Doormat?
It’s easy to lump selflessness together with being a doormat. But they are actually two very different things separated by how they handle one specific thing — Conflict.
We become a doormat when we become “conflict avoidant”. Doing everything in our power to keep the peace, including serving our spouse is a way that “looks selfless”. This tricks us into feeling like we’re being selfless, but our actions are actually rooted in our selfish desire to not “rock the boat”.
You see, selflessness costs something dear, conflict avoidance protects something dear. One is willing to give up what they want even if it costs them security because it is the healthiest thing to do. The other protects that one thing due to fear that conflict will ruin it.
For me, I’ve always been “conflict avoidant” because I really value peace. I try to protect it in all situations even if that means avoiding healthy conflict.
It’s easy for me to find ways to care for Amanda but if it means discussing a problem and enduring the intense discussion that may follow, I will avoid it.
Sometimes, the most selfless thing we can do for our spouse is let them know how something is making us feel. If they are continually not doing their part of the chores, and it’s making you bitter, then the healthiest thing you can do is have a loving discussion about it.
Selflessness values health above all, but when we value our comfort or peace above health we become a doormat.
How Can I Become More Selfless?
This is the question I asked myself more than any other. I desired to be more selfless, but it seemed so squishy… I didn’t have any practical steps.
Here are a few steps you can take to begin being more selfless starting today.
- Ask For God’s Strength
Selflessness is not our natural tendency, we need God’s strength to do it. I try and start each day in prayer and one of the things I pray for is the strength to die to “self” that day. Ask God to grow selflessness inside of you and he will do it!
- Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Commit to doing something that may not be “comfortable” for you, especially if it’s something you don’t enjoy. Become selfless by laying down your comfort every once in a while in order to give comfort to your spouse.
- Think About Your Spouses Biggest Needs
We each have different things we desire more than others. Meeting these “needs” preemptively for our spouse shows that we care about them. This is crucial and we’ve written another post on how to do this here.
- Commit To Adjusting In The Little Things
Maybe this means leaving a bit earlier or a bit later. Maybe it means going to the movie or restaurant your spouse wants. I used to stay up later than Amanda, but when I adjusted my schedule slightly to go to bed with her she felt so loved and it’s a way I am able to serve her.
Selflessness Is A Daily Decision
Being selfless in my marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But without it, our marriage would quickly stagnate.
You see, selflessness is a rich soil that allows the roots of our love to grow deep and strong!
You may have questions about how to do this, like I did, and they may be paralyzing you from being selfless. My biggest encouragement is to simply begin. Pray for the strength, pray for the opportunity, and it will come.
It’s not a decision we make once and all of a sudden we are now “selfless”. Dying to “self” is a daily decision to put our spouse and the health of our marriage before what we want. Commit to making this decision and providing rich soil each day for your love to grow strong!