Roses And Thorns: How To Build Intimacy In Your Marriage With One (Simple) Conversation
Roses And Thorns: How To Build Intimacy In Your Marriage With One (Simple) Conversation
By Bradley Bennett
The level of intimacy in our marriage is directly related to the number of tiny investments we make into regular communication. To put it in other words, we can increase how connected we feel to our spouse by focusing on communicating regularly.
Communication is the force that drives every other part of marriage. When it begins to dry up, everything else in marriage begins to dry up too.
Amanda and I have found this to be true in our marriage. We can trace moments of feeling disconnected back to a lack of regular communication. Life got busy or we stopped being intentional. We would then try to communicate more but it wouldn’t last for long.
This constant struggle forced us to find a way to communicate regularly. We both knew how important it was to the health of our marriage. The problem was that we didn’t really know “how”.
Our solution was this simple conversation we try to have each day that helps us communicate. My hope is that it blesses you and your marriage as much as it has ours.
One thing I need to mention before I lose all the men, this conversation literally takes 5-7 minutes. Any longer and you are doing it wrong! For me, this was a game changer.
So, how can we communicate well with our spouse in such a short amount of time? It starts with understanding a crucial difference.
Communicating Vs. Talking
When I was working my first job, I had this one coworker that I would talk to all the time. Actually, I should clarify. He talked all the time, I mostly just listened while eating my turkey sandwich.
I can pretty accurately say that even though I had several “talks” with that guy, we never really “communicated”. You may see where I’m going with this, but talking and communicating isn’t the same thing. Understanding the difference can change several things in your marriage.
When you dive into “Talking”, you see that it’s pretty superficial. From the topics to the motivation, it never really goes further than the surface. There are three main characteristics that makeup “talking”:
- Superficial Topics
- Seeking To Air Opinions
- Self-Serving
Now, I’m not dissing talking with others. I’ll be the first one to debate who the Jets (my football team) should take in the draft, but that’s not what helps us build intimacy with our spouse.
Communicating goes deeper than simply talking. It is more concerned with creating an investment in the other person. Here are a few characteristics of communication:
- Explores topics involving feelings and emotions
- Seeks understanding above all else
- Self-sacrificing
In marriage, “talking” to each other does nothing to build intimacy and if you approach this conversation as a chance to “talk” than it will do nothing for you. The power comes from viewing it as a chance to communicate.
Roses, Thorns, And Buds
Alright, let’s get into the nuts and bolts! Amanda and I call this conversation, “Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud”.
The goal is to share your day with each other and let the other person know how you feel. We’ve found this conversation is such a great way to stay connected with what’s going on in each other’s lives and how we’re both feeling.
We’ll break down the individual sections in a moment, but the overall structure is pretty straightforward.
- You start by each sharing three “roses”, switching off who is sharing after each. These “roses” are three good things that happened to you that day.
- Next, you move into each sharing one “thorn”, something bad, annoying, or frustrating that happened to you that day.
- Lastly, you finish off by each sharing one “bud”, something you are looking forward to in the next 24 hours.
And that’s it! Really… That’s all there is to it. While this seems simple, it’s very powerful for a specific reason.
We’re really bad at stopping for a moment and checking in with our spouse.
This structure gives us the step-by-step guidance to regularly do it by sharing our day, and feelings with them. Remember, the level of intimacy in our marriage is directly related to the number of tiny investments we put into it through communication.
As we take a look at how each section plays out, you’ll see exactly how it helps us make those investments.
Share Three Roses
We start with sharing three roses for a very simple reason, it makes us feel good! It’s easy for us to become “Negative Nancys”. If we’re not careful, we can get into a rut where all we see are the negatives and rarely pay attention to the good in our lives!
This is because our brain has a tendency called a “negative bias”. We’re wired to find the negatives in everything!
Before we used this structure, the only things I would share with Amanda was the annoying parts of my day because they stuck out the most. I would go off on tangents about how some guy gave me a weird look at some meeting. How much fun do you think that was for her?
Forcing ourselves to share three positives a day will flip the script on that ole “negative bias”. We’ll become more grateful and aware of the good things happening in our day.
And guess what… sharing the fun, positive things is actually enjoyable for our spouse as well! Especially when it has to do with them.
As a part of my three roses, I’ll usually try to include one thing Amanda did that I appreciate. I’ll tell her about how it made my day and why it’s a rose.
Share One Thorn
This next section requires the most coaching because it restricts the amount on negatives you are sharing. There is nothing wrong with talking through these things, but it must be in moderation.
This is why we only share one thorn. Not two, not three, and definitely not 15!
Having to choose only one will force you to be decisive and share the “big rock” in your day instead of all the little pebbles.
What you will find, is that before long, your list of “potential thorns” will start to shrink as you train your brain to ignore the stuff that really isn’t a big deal.
One other thing, when sharing your thorn you must keep it brief. No more than a few sentences.
It’s easy to go on rabbit trails and start venting. If Becky made you angry today, quickly share that and how you are feeling about. Don’t vent for an hour about everything Becky has done that’s annoyed you this past year.
Your spouse (most times the husband) will feel trapped and won’t want to have this conversation on a regular basis because it’s become an hour-long venting session! Help your spouse by being brief and to the point.
I know this has helped me a ton. I look forward to this conversation with Amanda because I know it won’t take an hour. In a few minutes I can connect with her and see how she’s doing.
Now, if Becky really did something that made you furious and you need to share how you’re feeling at length, schedule a later time to talk about it and table Becky until then.
Share One Bud
The last section of this conversation helps end everything on a fun note.
Every rose once started as a “bud” before it blossomed. Sharing a “bud” means you share something that you are looking forward to within the next 24 hours.
Even if you can’t think of something, think of something! You’re excited to eat breakfast, you’re excited for the drive to work, you’re excited about something! It can be hard at the start, but it’s important to do this last part.
Doing this daily will train your brain to look towards the future with anticipation and excitement, not dread. It will allow your spouse to have an idea of something they can check up on the following day.
If Amanda lets me know that she’s looking forward to a meeting with a friend, it alerts me to ask her how it went the following day because I know she is looking forward to it.
Just like all the other parts of this conversation, keep your “bud” to only a few sentences.
Communicate Daily
And there you have it! There’s nothing “magic” about this conversation, just a practical structure that should help you and your spouse communicate regularly.
This structure only works when both spouses have two specific commitments.
- The commitment to do it daily.
- The commitment to communicate, not just talk.
Over the course of a year you will have shared 1,095 things that made you happy, 365 things that made you upset or frustrated, and 365 things you were looking forward to.
And you won’t have just “talked” about them in passing. You will have taken the time to communicate about them. To understand the feelings behind them and really listen.
Amanda and I found that the level of intimacy in our marriage was the direct result of the number of tiny investments we made into communicating with each other.
This simple conversation has helped us make those crucial tiny investments on a daily basis. As a result, we feel closer than ever.
I want to encourage you to think about testing it out as well. Commit to having this conversation daily for an entire month. At first you may not notice any difference, but after 20, 30 or even 50 conversations I’m willing to bet you’ll feel closer than you have in a long time.