The Freedom In Loving Your Perfectly Imperfect Marriage
The Freedom In Loving Your Perfectly Imperfect Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
Constantly expecting your marriage to be perfect is exhausting. I know from first-hand experience. I went into marriage expecting everything to be roses, butterflies, and well-mannered conversations where we laughed all the time.
As it turns out, that’s not exactly what marriage is like.
I hate to burst someone’s bubble here, but no marriage is perfect. And expecting perfection from yours is not only exhausting… but utterly pointless.
In fact, expecting a perfect marriage leaves us in a prison of disappointment that is of our own making. We end up trapped in a jail cell that we closed on ourselves.
Like I said, I know this from personal experience. I’ve been there. And it’s not fun.
But there is hope. Instead of being chained to disappointment, you can find freedom by learning to love your marriage simply because it’s perfectly imperfect.
No Marriage Is Perfect
If you’ve been married for any amount of time, you’ve probably had one or two disagreements that were literally about NOTHING. You ended up having a blow up that could rival most Jerry Springer shows all over the smallest thing.
Amanda and I had our first experience with this around a year into our marriage.
And it was all about a blanket. YES. You read that right. We had a legit blow up (involving tears!) over who would put up a blanket.
It was the smallest thing in the world. A chore that took two seconds to complete. And it single-handedly shattered my perception of having a perfect marriage.
I remember after we had calmed down, looking at Amanda (who was still crying) and just laughing. After a second, she started laughing too because we simply couldn’t help it! The whole thing was just too silly!
It was in this moment I realized we didn’t have a perfect marriage. We weren’t even close. And I had to be okay with that.
If a perfect marriage was out of the question, then I had to learn to change my perception and begin to love our wacky, zany marriage that was perfectly imperfect.
The Freedom In Perfectly Imperfect
I’ve found in my own life that when I desire a “perfect” marriage it comes from a weird, selfish desire to impress people. Rather than wanting a real, authentic marriage where love flows freely, I desire people to look at our instagram photos and comment #relationshipgoals.
As you can imagine, these priorities are a little out of order. I’ve found that trying to impress people with my “perfect marriage” ultimately leaves me feeling frustrated and exhausted. I’m trying to achieve something that’s unachievable so I can impress people whose opinion doesn’t actually matter at all.
That’s why Amanda and I decided a while back that we don’t expect or desire a “perfect” marriage. Instead, we’ve chosen to walk in the freedom of loving our perfectly imperfect marriage.
But what does that actually mean? Loving a perfectly imperfect marriage?
It means loving your marriage despite the flaws and cracks. Rather than being surprised when your spouse is human, being prepared to respond with grace, love, and sometimes laughter.
Letting go of the expectation of perfection to embrace a marriage that has flaws is hard. But choosing to love your marriage through the imperfections is freeing. You are no longer focused on impressing people, but rather on enjoying the unique, authentic love story God is writing between you and your spouse.
This isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but it is incredibly rewarding. Learning to love your perfectly imperfect marriage will require a few things of you. Here are just a few that come to mind.
Grace
No marriage is perfect simply because no person is perfect. You can’t expect to put two imperfect parts together and then expect the combination to be perfection.
If this is the case, then loving your perfectly imperfect marriage requires grace. Grace brings freedom for you to both be human beings. Sure, your spouse forgot to cook dinner. Or maybe they were a little crabby in the morning. But grace forgives these things in order to show love.
Imperfections should not be a surprise for us, so why can’t we decide ahead of time to operate with grace?
Laughter
One of my favorite things about my marriage with Amanda is that we don’t take ourselves too seriously. There have been numerous times when we’ve ended a disagreement and simply started laughing because we realized how petty the whole thing was!
Instead of getting mad at the small mistakes and imperfections, why not choose to laugh at them? They are no surprise. Don’t take your marriage too seriously.
Be okay with laughing at yourselves and admitting that maybe who puts the blanket away before bed isn’t the biggest deal in the world.
Covenant
Covenant is foundational for a marriage. A covenant says, “I am all in 100% because of my commitment, not your actions.”
Loving your imperfectly perfect marriage means that you have to be secure in the stickiness of your marriage. You can’t be constantly walking on eggshells believing that one mistake will end everything.
Freedom comes when we trust our spouse to be there and weather storms with us. Covenant allows us to be real, authentic, and human in a lifelong commitment to another.
Mission
A common, shared mission brings joy, purpose, and meaning to each day together. To the perfectly imperfect marriage, it gives them a target to aim for. It answers the questions, “What is this all for?”
Having a shared mission helps you skip right over several of the tiny speedbumps that can trip up other marriages. Being on the same page helps you move faster, love deeper, and share joy more readily.
Desire Progress, Not Perfection
While we have come to love our imperfectly perfect marriage, that doesn’t mean we aren’t always looking to improve our relationship. It’s just that we have a different goal. Instead of desiring perfection for our relationship, we desire progress.
We know that we will never be perfect and that we shouldn’t expect that. But we do know that certain things are not okay and we should be making progress to look more like Christ.
The difference lies in your expectation and what you choose to love. Perfection is impossible, but we can always be progressing. That’s achievable and is a healthy expectation.
But I will also choose to love my spouse. Not because they are perfect, but simply because I have entered into covenant with them and choose to love our marriage as it is, right now.