3 Reasons Why We Don’t Want A Fair Marriage, And Why You Won’t Either
3 Reasons Why We Don't Want A Fair Marriage, And Why You Won't Either
By Bradley Bennett
Fair is generally a good thing. We like fair people, fair rules, and a fair share of work. But what about marriage? Should we seek to build a marriage that’s fair, too?
At first glance, it seems like an easy “Yes”. If my spouse pulls their weight, then I’ll pull mine.
Bringing this “fair” thought process into our marriage, though, can actually be the very thing that prevents us from experiencing God’s best.
For Amanda and I, we’ve decided that we don’t want a fair marriage. Instead, we desire something far, far better… And I believe you will, too.
Let me explain.
The 50/50 Marriage
The idea of a fair relationship is everywhere in our culture. It’s the main way most relationships are supposed to work.
This is nothing new, and you’ve probably heard plenty of people proclaiming the virtues of something called a “50/50 marriage”.
This idea appeals to us because it’s how we’ve been trained to think. We’ve grown up in a society that’s told us we have rights that need to be respected. Many of us hold firmly to the idea that we deserve to get back what we put in.
On the surface level, this type of reasoning works out. Our spouse needs to pull their weight and help with things like kids, housework, and finances. Responsibilities need to be split.
And there’s truth to this. A marriage where one partner holds all the responsibility or work is definitely unhealthy and won’t last.
So, if a fair marriage is “good” and it protects us from a potentially unhealthy situation, then why are Amanda and I against it? Here are our three big reasons.
Reason #1: A Fair Marriage Is Based In Culture, Not Scripture
The first, and probably biggest, issue I have with the idea of a 50/50 marriage is that it’s found nowhere in scripture. It’s been created by the culture around us.
When I look at scripture, I actually see something that looks completely different. I see verses like this one in Philippians, that ask us to give up our rights in order to love.
“For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (Galatians 5:13)
In scripture, we are actually called to lay down our rights instead of picking them up. It’s the exact opposite of fair!
Another area of scripture that I look at for instruction on marriage is the person of Jesus because we are called to love our spouse the way He loved us.
So, was Jesus worried about a “Fair” relationship? I believe Romans 5 sheds some light.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
We see here that Jesus did the most unfair thing imaginable. While we were sinners, at our very worst, and doing everything BUT holding up our end of the bargain, He laid down His life for us.
Reason #2: A Fair Marriage Produces Bitterness, Not Selfless Love
I was talking with a friend about this the other day and he said the phrase, “Sure, I’ll serve my wife that way as long as she pulls her end of the deal.”
That makes sense, but it raises an interesting question that never seems to be asked. What happens if she doesn’t hold up her end of the deal?
A fair marriage seems to be based on a lot of “if’s”.
- If he serves me
- If she works as hard as I do
- If… if…if
But what happens “IF” they don’t?
Eventually, it’s going to happen because we’re human.
In that moment, will we hold our service and love hostage until they meet the terms of our agreement? If we want fair, then that’s the appropriate response.
This “If, Then” dynamic creates a vicious cycle that doesn’t produce love, but instead, bitterness.
In a 50/50 relationship, when our spouse fails to live up to their end of the deal, then we refuse to meet our end. This puts us in a stalemate, refusing to step closer to each other, all the while bitterness grows between us.
A love that’s contingent on “IF” our spouse acts correctly is fair, but it removes any opportunity to selflessly love them.
Reason #3: A Fair Marriage Is A Contract, Not A Covenant
When we view our marriage as 50/50 it becomes a contract. We say to each other,
“I’m in as far as you are, and the moment you break the contract I’m out.”
The problem with contractual thinking is that it’s built on mutual distrust. We are protecting ourselves from the chance that they’ll act inappropriately by creating a way out.
This is a great way to relate with a random guy that’s fixing your roof, but a terrible way to relate to your spouse. The goal in marriage isn’t to make ourselves less vulnerable to each other, but to become one.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34)
Our marriage is designed to mirror the relationship God has with us. He doesn’t hold a contract, but instead, creates a covenant.
In a covenant, both spouses are 100/100, not 50/50. They are fully pursuing each other because they have pledged to do so no matter what. Instead of being built on mutual distrust, a covenant is built on mutual trust, love, and dedication.
A covenant says, “I’m going to love and serve you no matter what. Your actions do not dictate my response.”
A covenant is far more vulnerable and looks for a way to love instead of a way out. In doing so, it allows for a deeper, more unified love than we could ever experience in a “fair” marriage.
Let Go Of Good In Order To Experience God’s Best
So, is a fair marriage good? I believe it is.
For a while, Amanda and I tried to build a fair marriage. It was functional and it worked. But we constantly felt like we were hitting a ceiling that we couldn’t move past.
The fair marriage we had created allowed for “good”, but it was actually the very thing preventing us from experiencing God’s best. We had to begin learning how to love each other unfairly and move past the “IF’s”.
Our prayer is that you would desire God’s best for your marriage, too. Choose today to let go of a fair marriage and allow yourselves to love each other selflessly, and unfairly, like God loves you.
Don’t let your service and love for your spouse be contingent on “IF” they act correctly. Instead, let it be contingent on the fact that you are 100% committed to loving them in all seasons.
What you will end up with will not be a fair marriage. Instead, it will be a unified, selfless, and scripture-based marriage that is far, far better.