Breaking The Common Myth of Compatibility In Marriage
Breaking The Common Myth of Compatibility In Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
I was scrolling on Facebook recently and saw a post from someone detailing why they and their spouse decided to divorce. What did they cite as the reason? Incompatibility.
This broke my heart for several reasons, but I most grieved the reason for the divorce. Incompatibility is such a small bump to get hung up on. You see, I believe that compatibility in marriage is actually a myth.
Every marriage (heck every relationship!) will experience incompatibility. We are all imperfect humans trying to love our spouse with the perfect love of Christ. The problem then doesn’t come from the incompatibility, but rather what we choose to do about it.
Where The Myth of Compatibility Comes From
You see, the myth of compatibility comes from the idea that there is the perfect, special, and chosen “one” out there for you. That person who is going to fit you perfectly, make life easy, and will fill every day with sparkles and rainbows.
At least that’s what Disney tries to sell us.
While this sounds good on the surface, it can actually be a dangerous thing to believe.
The reality is that no matter who you are with, there will be incompatibility. You will experience times with your spouse where you do not agree on everything. And you know what? That’s okay! It’s normal.
The key to a great marriage doesn’t lie in finding the “one” you are compatible with but in doing the work to become compatible with the one you’ve found.
You see, working to create that compatibility inside marriage creates something much greater than the fairy-tale “compatibility”… It creates hard-fought unity.
Here are a few ways you can break the myth of incompatibility in your marriage and experience greater levels unity together.
Fix Your Focus
Breaking the myth of compatibility starts with understanding the difference between our perceived experiences and the reality of our situations.
Scientists have long shown that we have a very real “negative bias.”
This bias makes it easier for us to see where we don’t fit together with our spouse instead of all the ways we do fit together. This negative bias wires our brain to spot the pain points. It’s great for keeping us alive but not for helping us have a fulfilling marriage.
Recently, I went out to eat burgers with a good friend who is a self-proclaimed “foodie”. We ended up ordering the same burger and I thought it was delicious. My friend, though, hated it!
He talked about how the burger was a little too-cooked, the bun was not crispy enough, and how the cheese hadn’t been melted on top correctly. He concluded his little tirade by saying, “It tasted pretty good, though.”
My jaw almost hit the floor. We both had the same reality, a burger that we enjoyed, but I loved it and he hated it! The only difference? I focused on the good things, the burger tasting good, while he focused on every little detail that was wrong with the burger.
Right now, your marriage is your burger and you have a choice. Will you focus on the things that are going right, or will you pick at the tiny, little things that are going wrong?
Your focus will determine your reality. What you focus on will grow. If you only focus on the areas where you are incompatible, then incompatibility will grow in your marriage and you will become more frustrated. But if you focus on all the amazing ways you and your spouse fit together well, then unity will grow.
It truly starts with fixing your focus on the things that you want to grow.
Value Covenant Before Compatibility
Valuing the right thing will cause incompatibility issues to become little more than speedbumps. Let me explain.
Your marriage is a holy union between you and your spouse, called a covenant.
God has formed your covenant and is actively working to knit you both together into one flesh.
“7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8 and the two will become one flesh.’[c] So they are no longer two, but one flesh.” ~Mark 10:7-8
No marriage is exempt from having moments where they don’t fit together. Great marriages simply do the work required to break through those compatibility issues.
They are able to do this because they value their covenant above their compatibility. They are left with only one option when incompatibility issues pop up, “Let’s work through it.”
When your marriage values your covenant first, there is very little that can’t be worked through.
The Goal Is Unity, Not Compatibility
You will never have full, perfect compatibility with your spouse. It’s a battle we all will continue to fight in marriage.
Trying to achieve perfect compatibility with your spouse will only end in frustration. I know that doesn’t sound nice and fuzzy, but hear me out.
Your marriage was actually created for something much more beautiful than compatibility, it was designed for unity.
As Robert C. Dodds said,
“The goal of marriage is not to think alike but to think together.”
A marriage that is completely compatible with each other may sound good, but actually takes away many of the things that make marriage beautiful.
It takes away the need for being open and honest about how we feel, it takes away the healthy conflict, and it takes away the need to be founded in your covenant.
You and your spouse are two unique people who think, behave, and feel differently than each other. If your goal is compatibility, then this will be a very frustrating reality. But if your goal is unity, then this is a beautiful thing.
You see, unity is not conformity. It’s not looking or thinking the exact same. Unity is diversity with a common purpose. It’s thinking together about how to love God, and each other well, through your differences.
Allow God To Make You United
Your marriage is the joining of two distinct people into “one flesh”. During this process, there are going to be moments where you are incompatible with your spouse. It’s perfectly normal!
The goal of this fusion is not compatibility, but unity. God’s desire for your marriage is not that you would look the same and be compatible with each other. You and your spouse were designed uniquely so that you could love each other, and God, in great ways through your uniqueness.
Don’t let simple issues of incompatibility with your spouse become more than speed bumps. Value your covenant together, fix your focus on the ways you work together, and pursue unity through your differences.
I believe this will help you experience something much, much better than compatibility in your marriage.