“I Love And I Like You”, Beautiful Marriage Advice From Leslie Knope
"I Love And I Like You", Beautiful Marriage Advice From Leslie Knope
By Amanda Bennett
The other day I was watching Parks and Rec and heard one of my new favorite lines spoken by the iconic Leslie Knope. ‘I love you and I like you’
This line caught me off guard because I had always assumed that when you say, “I love you” to your spouse it included that you liked them as well. The more I thought about it and reflected on how marriage can ebb and flow through life I realized that is not actually the case.
I began to realize that it’s possible to operate in love and at the same time not like each other very much. It’s possible to have a marriage where the commitment is strong, but the desire for each other’s presence is weak.
I’ve found personally just how easy it is for a marriage to get to this place. To find themselves still married, but operating in a union where the passion is gone, communication has become robotic, and sex is just an afterthought.
Many of you may have experienced this in the past, or are experiencing it right now.
While it may be common, I don’t think it’s the design. I believe your marriage was designed to be more than holding on to commitment for dear life. While there may be seasons of this is a reality, your spouse was designed to be one of your greatest joys and friends.
Liking Vs. Loving Your Spouse
There’s a big difference between loving your spouse and liking your spouse.
Love is a covenant. You entered this covenant through your vows to love each other on your wedding day. It’s because of this love that you would do anything for your spouse. Love goes deeper than simple feelings and carries a sense of permanence.
Liking your spouse is a very different animal. This comes from a more tender, potentially fleeting, part of the heart. You do things for them not because you feel like you have to, but because you want to.
I view it this way, loving your spouse is rooted in commitment, while liking your spouse is rooted in true, refreshing friendship.
Both of these things, ‘love’ and ‘like’, are important in marriage. You need to have the commitment to always love your spouse in every season if life. But you should also enjoy the journey and like them along the way! Having one without the other means you are only operating with half the equation.
Bradley and I have recognized how easy it is to put our friendship on the backburner. In this hectic world, it’s hard to continually prioritize each other. One thing that has helped us is developing a regular rhythm the ensures we are continually stoking the flames of friendship in our marriage.
It’s this friendship that helps us not only love each other well but like each other, too! I want to share this rhythm with you and I pray that it blesses you like it has blessed us.
Talk Daily
Regular, deep communication is vital for building a friendship in marriage. Not logistical communication like when to pick the kids up, but real communication where you laugh, cry, and share your heart with each other.
When we were dating Brad and I would talk constantly and honestly I don’t even know about what. We would talk about silly things, sad things, things that made me laugh so hard I cried and everything in between. As you think back on your dating days, you may remember similar conversations.
This type of communication shouldn’t stop when marriage begins. It should continue daily because it keeps the relationship alive, active, and dynamic as you share your hearts openly with each other.
In order to keep this communication happening daily, Bradley and I follow a tool called the Daily Temperature Reading (or the DTR). It is a conversation guide that hits all of the necessary components that should be discussed daily.
The components are this: appreciations, new information, puzzles, complaints with a request to change, apologies, prayer requests, wishes/hopes/dreams.
It may seem weird to follow a scripted conversation guide, but it helps to ensure your conversations delve below the surface. It helps you encourage each other, share your frustrations well, laugh, and pray together.
Doing this daily with Bradley has led to some of my favorite conversations ever. The daily rhythm sets the basis of our friendship!
Date Weekly
Date nights are incredibly important to me and Bradley. They are a line item on our budget and hold a reserved space on our weekly calendar.
Regular dating is another thing that many couples stop doing when they say, “I Do”. When this happens, though, it makes it really hard to pursue each other intentionally.
Regular date nights give you the space and time to simply focus on each other and your friendship.
Our time is spent on people we like and enjoy hanging out with. I believe that your spouse should be the #1 person on that list. If someone is important to you, you will make time for them.
If you’ve grown out of the practice of dating, here are some tips on how to have the perfect date night with your spouse.
Having weekly date nights set on the calendar is sometimes a sacrifice, but it is such a rewarding one. Spending time with the one whom your soul loves is truly good for the soul.
Retreat Regularly
Retreating, or taking a mini vacation, is something Brad and I try to schedule into our lives regularly. For us, it’s a few times each year.
These retreats don’t have to be anything elaborate. They can last for a night or a weekend, but the objective is to get away from the hustle and bustle of life so you can focus on each other. It’s a way to reset together and rest.
When you are able to plan something out of the ordinary with your spouse you can’t help but feel giddy. It gives you something to look forward to together.
Different couples retreat differently. For you, it may look like going to a bed and breakfast for a night, or going on a weekend cruise, going to a theme park for a night, or a stay-cation where you just disconnect from the world for a few days.
The goal is to find whatever lights you both up. Find those that thing and plan it, save up for it, then do it! How often and how long you retreat together will be dependant on your season, but the sacrifice to make it happen is well worth it.
In the end, planning out regular retreats is one the best ways to take a step back for life and spend quality time investing in each other.
Love AND Like Your Spouse
Loving your spouse doesn’t mean that you necessarily like them. Your covenant can be present while at the same time being an empty shell.
My hope for you is that your covenant would not only be filled with a commitment to love each other, but also a deep friendship where you genuinely like each other.
You can begin building this friendship in your marriage by communicating daily, dating weekly and retreating regularly. I believe this rhythm will help you begin to fall back ‘in like’ with your spouse and begin to enjoy the time you get to spend with them.