The Invisible Divorce: What It Is And How It Poisons Your Marriages
The Invisible Divorce: What It Is And How It Poisons Your Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
I vividly remember the first “Invisible Divorce” I experienced. It happened when I was 13 and involved a good friend’s parents. No one knew it was coming until my friend knocked on my door crying and confused.
I was close to the family and they always seemed so happy and together. It was a blindside to everyone on the outside, but there was something else happening on the inside that had poisoned their marriage. That poison festered for a long time until one day it was too much.
How does this happen? How do marriages go from appearing to be in love and happy on Monday, to hating each other and divorced on Tuesday?
I believe it begins when a couple’s relationship falls into what I call an “Invisible Divorce”. This is a state where the marriage looks healthy on the outside but is dying on the inside. Both spouses have pulled away from each other but no one around them knows it.
I want to peel back the layers and reveal what makes the invisible divorce so dangerous to your marriage and steps you can take to prevent it.
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An Invisible Divorce Starts With Emotional Detachment
Pulling away from each other emotionally is the first step towards an invisible divorce. It starts small but can spiral out of control if not spotted and dealt with quickly.
It happens when life begins to get in the way and conversations slowly become all about logistics, like when to pick up the kids or what time to cook dinner. Vulnerability begins to decrease and both spouses stop sharing what’s going on in their heart.
This can be due to a busy schedule or sparked by some sort of pain or neglect in the marriage.
Once the emotional detachment has grown large enough, it leaves both spouses feeling like their needs are not being met. They feel like their spouse doesn’t care, and they search for other sources to meet their emotional needs.
Guys may look to find new hobbies that will keep them out of the house or throw themselves into work.
Ladies may simply shut down and stop trying. They may start spending more time out with friends or doing various activities outside the home.
This turns into a vicious cycle where each spouse finds other ways to meet their needs without the other. This short-circuits the intended purpose for marriage and causes the emotional gap between them to grow even larger.
In a healthy relationship, there should be emotional intimacy where both partners are meeting each other’s needs. There is a sense of vulnerability and oneness.
The invisible divorce starts by poisoning this part of your relationship first.
When you combine this with the second part, you’ll see why it’s so dangerous.
An Invisible Divorce Looks Perfect On The Outside
It’s possible for a couple to be emotionally detached and their community and support system never know anything is going on.
This is what happened to my friend’s parents. Everyone thought things were perfect… They seemed happy! But the outside didn’t match what was happening inside the marriage.
When a marriage refuses to seek help and let those close to them know what’s happening, they can become what Jesus referred to as “Whitewashed Tombs” in Matthew 23.
“…. For you are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity.” – Matthew 23:27b
This paints a vivid picture of what’s happening relationally. To the outside world everything is bright and shiny, but on the inside the relationship is dead.
Now, I’m not referring to having a bad day and choosing to put a smile on.
I’m talking about continually feeling like you’re having to act or “keep up appearances”. You know something’s wrong but you refuse to open up to anyone for support.
Healthy marriages have close friends that can speak into their relationship. They don’t air out every problem or dispute, but they seek support from their community if things get rough. They don’t put up a mask and try to fight their battles alone.
This is hard to do, but it happens when we decide that the health of our marriage is more important than other people’s opinions. Desire health and truth more than people thinking you’re perfect.
An Invisible Divorce Becomes Held Together By Everything But Love
An invisible divorce is such a surprise to people on the outside because it secretly eats away at the love that holds a marriage together. The couple puts on an act while they’re secretly becoming more and more detached.
When this goes on long enough, the healthy bonds that held their relationship together completely erode. It’s like a cliff that’s slowly taken away by the waves.
Once the bonds have eroded away, it’s no longer love that binds their marriage. Instead, it’s things like the kids or the lack of money. If it weren’t for all these other factors there would be nothing keeping them together.
This is a perilous place for a marriage because the relationship will only last as long as the thin strings between the spouses do.
But it’s just a matter of time until they snap.
The moment the kids leave? Snap.
The moment one spouse gets a promotion and starts earning more money? Snap.
Once enough strings have snapped, everything happens quickly. There’s nothing of value holding the marriage together and years of distance bubble to the surface overnight.
In a healthy marriage, emotional intimacy, connection, and commitment should be the main strings holding the spouses together. These bonds last through the hard times and pull the marriage closer together.
Being intentional to keep these bonds strong takes work but is needed for a fulfilling marriage that lasts.
Stay Vigilant And Never Give Up
If we’re not watching over our marriage, it can be easy to slip into the beginning stages of an invisible divorce. This is what makes it so dangerous. It starts small but begins to poison our marriage unseen beneath the surface. Understanding its symptoms and progression can help you remain vigilant against it.
If you’re currently experiencing an invisible divorce, I want you to know there’s hope. Your marriage can be renewed and thrive again! Never give up or throw in the towel.
It all starts by being honest with each other about where you’re at. Decide that your relationship means more than what others may think. Choose to not fight alone and seek professional help.
Do the work of building the emotional intimacy in your marriage that keeps the bonds between you strong. This will keep the poison of an invisible divorce far from you and help you find more fulfillment in your marriage.
Join The Conversation With These Questions!
- How do you remain emotionally connected to your spouse?
- Have you ever found your marriage slipping into an invisible divorce but changed direction? What were the steps you took?