Branches Vs. Roots: Healing Heart Issues In Marriage
Branches Vs. Roots: Healing Heart Issues In Marriage
By Bradley
There’s something I need to get off my chest. I’m not proud of it, but I believe we are close enough that I can share this with you… A few weeks ago I almost committed tree-murder.
In front of our house, we have this huge tree. It’s lovely but the problem comes from how perfectly lined up the branches are to whack me in the face each time I leave the house.
Thankfully, I recently got some relief from the constant barrage of branches when my home association brought in landscapers to cut them down.
Things were great for a little while! But I walked out my door the other week and get whacked right in the face by a brand new branch that had sprung up. It caught me by surprise and nearly sent me sprawling.
It was in that moment of surprise that I thought about committing tree-murder. I was just so tired of dealing with the same branch over and over again that I googled ways to remove that tree from my life.
“Uhh.. That’s Great, Bradley, But How Does This Connect With Marriage”?
It’s inevitable there will be “branches” in our marriage. These branches represent repetitive things that we or our spouse do that cause friction in our marriage.
These can take many different shapes but here are a few that I’ve seen most commonly:
- An addiction to pornography
- Seclusion / Isolation
- Being controlling / manipulative
- A substance addiction
Dealing with repeat issues like this is extremely stressful for any marriage. If not dealt with properly, it can continue to add friction, frustration, and despair to your relationship.
Many times we will try to fix things by simply “cutting the branch down” and addressing the symptoms.
If our spouse is viewing pornography then we install an internet filter. If they are struggling with isolation then we find ways to get them around people. When they are depressed we do anything to make them to smile.
Now these things are good to do (and needed!), but they are rarely enough on their own.
In my experience focusing on the symptoms works just like the landscapers cutting the branches on the tree in front of my house. It won’t be long until you walk out the door and it’s right there again whacking you in the face.
You may be reading this right now understanding what it feels like because you are going through it right now.
If so, I want you to know there is hope! But it takes work.
For real, complete healing we need to do more than cut off a tree branch… We need to go straight for the roots.
Focusing On The Roots
When a tree is diseased, the symptoms are seen in the fruit, but it’s caused by something going on with the roots. For us, as humans, it’s the heart.
When we are experiencing repetitive problems like substance abuse, depression, or pornography in our marriage it’s a good sign that there’s something deeper going on in either our or our spouse’s heart.
As it says in Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Protecting our heart is vital to protecting our marriage. We can continue to treat the symptoms, but in order to bring complete healing, we need to treat the heart.
Here are a few things that when stored up in the heart can cause friction in a marriage.
- Shame
- Fear
- Pride
- Unresolved past experiences
- Unforgiveness
And this is just to name a few. If any of these things are affecting you or your spouse’s heart, it may manifest as repetitive issues.
How To Heal The Heart
The first thing Amanda and I do when we identify a heart issue in our marriage is to pray. It’s the most powerful weapon we have.
If it’s something Amanda spots in me, she will pray that God works in my heart to bring healing and an openness to acknowledge what’s happening.
Too often I hear people say, “all we can do now is pray…’ As if prayer is the last ditch option we turn to when nothing else works!
Next, communicate with your spouse. If you spot a repetitive issue, sit down and talk through it with them.
- Let them know how it is making you feel
- Ask why they think it keeps popping up
- Help them process through it
Many times, when we bring these things to our spouse and are open (in a loving way!) we are able to communicate through these issues. If your spouse refuses to see what is happening, then continue to love them and pray for a change in heart.
Then, commit to seek help. Dealing with issues of the heart often requires a trained professional like a counselor or therapist.
There’s a wrong belief out there that seeing a therapist or counselor is a “bad thing”. I’m going to put it out there that this is a lie. Healthy couples see therapists because it’s a great way to stay healthy!
Lastly, establish continuing accountability with others. It takes time for healing to happen within the heart. The key to complete healing is to not let things hide in the shadows.
This is where having a strong community beside you is so helpful. Giving another person who is walking with you permission to check in and see how your heart is doing goes a long way.
Avoid A Superficial Marriage
A marriage that only cuts down branches and refuses to focus on the roots is superficial. That strategy may work for a little while but at the end of the day the tree is still sick.
Over time things will only get worse, not better.
Refusing to be superficial and accepting the call to deal with heart issues isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it. Doing this hard work is the only way to remove the thing that is causing so much pain and friction in your marriage.
My hope is that we would become a community of marriages that avoid being superficial. That we would have the courage needed to tackle heart issues.
I believe that when we do this, we will be one step closer to removing any obstacle in the way of a fulfilling, united “Us” marriage.