5 Communication Secrets I Wish We Had Known As Newlyweds
5 Communication Secrets I Wish We Had Known As Newlyweds
By Bradley Bennett
The newlywed season is amazing. Love is strong, nothing can go wrong, and communication seems to flow as freely as a babbling brook. The newness of marriage is a beautiful, wonderful experience of discovery and bliss.
Amanda and I have been married for close to three years and I remember our newlywed season with fondness. But I also love our current season of marriage just as much, if not more. As our time together has grown, we’ve learned several things that would have helped deepen our love during our newlywed season.
One area we could have used a lot of help was how we communicated. Early in our marriage, we hit a few communication road bumps that could have been easily avoided. We could have skipped right over them if we’d had the knowledge and experience we have now.
If I could go back and sit down with us right after we said, “I Do”, these are the 5 communication secrets I would share.
#1: Intimate Communication Doesn’t Just Happen
It’s easy to have intimate communication when you are an engaged couple or newlyweds. It comes naturally in these seasons.
I remember simply telling Amanda everything that was going through my mind during the early parts of our marriage. Everything was new, fun, and easy!
I wish someone had let me know that this doesn’t last forever. You see, it’s not that you love your spouse any less, it’s just that life begins to happen. Schedules get busy and life gets hectic. You get into a routine and sometimes that routine turns into a rut.
It’s easy for all your communication to become what I call “logistics talk”. You communicate about when you have this appointment scheduled or what you did at work… and that’s it.
Conversations tend to stay on the surface level because it’s easy.
Intimate communication, on the other hand, is hard. It requires time. You have to open up, be vulnerable, and bear your thoughts, feelings, and dreams with each other. This type of communication doesn’t just happen.
A big part of marriage is choosing to do the hard things that feed your relationship. And taking the time to have regular, intimate communication is one of the things that feeds it the most.
#2: Have A Regular Rythm of Conversation
So… How do you actually have those moments of intimate communication? You schedule it!
I know this may sound unromantic, but Amanda and I actually schedule out when we will have specific conversations. We have a rhythm where we open up space to dive deeper together.
A lot of the time, this space is the dinner table. We’ve made it a priority to be home together for dinner. During dinner time we put away distractions like our phones and the television.
Do I want to watch Football while we eat? Yes! Do I want to scroll Instagram while I eat? You bet!
But by eliminating all those distractions, it allows us to focus on each other. This has created a natural, regular rhythm that opens up space for us to have conversations that matter.
For you, it may be different. I know many couples that wake up and pray each morning. Others go for walks in the evening. The key is to find what will work for you and your spouse. Think through what rhythms you can create that will open the space for you to talk and dive deeper.
#3: Use Communication Tools
I entered marriage believing we knew how to communicate. It didn’t take long for me to realize how wrong I was! I had absolutely no idea how to fully and intimately communicate with Amanda.
Sure, we had conversations, but intentionally talking through the hard, difficult things just never seemed to happen.
To be a little vulnerable… Amanda and I generally struggle to talk through conflict. Our personality types prefer to sweep those things under the rug and pray they simply disappear. As you can imagine, that’s not a healthy way of dealing with things.
It wasn’t until we took a marriage enrichment class that we learned there were communication tools that help couples navigate important conversations, like conflict, well.
I hated using these tools at first because they felt cumbersome and mechanical. After a while though, they became more natural. I began to see results as hard conversations became easier and we began to understand each other better.
These communication tools have really helped us strengthen our ability to communicate and talk through conflict in our marriage.
Here are a few tools that have helped us the most on our journey together.
#4: Learn To Listen Well
The one thing that has most changed how Amanda and I communicate with each other is learning to listen. It honestly changes the game.
What you say is often far less important than how you listen. You could speak eloquently and say all the right things, but it will mean very little if you don’t also listen well. I didn’t know this and had to learn it the hard way.
You see, we are raised in a culture where we are never taught to truly listen. The odds are that you entered into marriage like me… without the knowledge or skillset to listen well.
Listening goes way beyond simply hearing what your spouse says. When you truly learn to listen to your spouse, it communicates love, attention, and value. By listening, you can show your spouse how much you love them and quickly deepen your level of communication.
My encouragement to you would be this, learn the skill as quickly as possible and put it into practice!
#5: Be An Emotional Adult
Having intimate communication with your spouse means touching on subjects that are going to be hard to talk through. In order to have these conversations, you will need to be an emotional adult.
Being an emotional adult means that your emotions are not calling the shots. When you are an emotional adult you can be in disagreement without being in disunity.
This is important because there’s going to be a lot of disagreements coming your way. Like. A lot.
Operating as emotional adults will make those disagreements easier to navigate and more constructive. You’ll avoid a lot of the unnecessary pain that comes along with lashing out and acting from your emotions.
Setting the tone as emotional adults allows you to have the trust in your relationship that’s needed to have hard conversations. You won’t be tip-toeing around each other avoiding topics because you don’t want a blowup.
You will be able to dive right in and talk through those issues. They won’t build up and cause a multitude of other issues.
Build A Marriage With Great Communication
The season you are walking through right now is amazing. Enjoy it. Love every minute.
But don’t forget that you still need to be working on your marriage at the same time. One of the best ways you can do this is by deepening the communication between you and your spouse.
My hope is that you would learn from our mistakes. These communication secrets have been a huge help for us and I honestly wish we would have known them earlier.
Enjoy this season and at the same time build a marriage marked by great communication.