4 Conversations That Build Emotional Intimacy
Build Emotional Intimacy With These 4 Conversations
By Bradley Bennett
We all want a happy and healthy marriage, right?
The problem comes when trying to figure out how to have that type of a marriage. According to research, the secret sauce needed to make it possible is emotional intimacy. When a couple is emotionally connected, it can lead to some amazing benefits like:
- Better respect in the relationship
- An increased sexual connection
- An increase in communication quality
- A stronger sense of safety and bonding
Who wouldn’t want all of that?
The Truth About Emotional Initimacy
The thing about emotional intimacy is that it’s not easy to create. It’s hard to understand where to start and how to maintain it. It’s not concrete, it’s formless, it’s hard to measure on the front end.
But you can’t miss it when it’s there.
Amanda and I have found that building emotional intimacy in our marriage starts with being intentional about our conversations. Not simply relying on surface-level stuff like, “how was your day”.
Instead, we try to dig a little further and understand each other on a deeper level.
While this sounds nice, practically it can be hard to know where to start because most of us have never been taught how to have intimate conversations.
Trust me… I know because I’ve been there. Having deep intimate conversations is not something that I was taught and I’m still not all that great at it! But I’m miles ahead of where I used to be.
You may be just like me and not sure how to begin. That’s why I want to share with you 4 conversation topics Amanda and I use to build emotional intimacy in our marriage. They should give you a good place to start.
In order to turn these topics into a conversation that builds emotional intimacy, you’ll need to follow two simple rules.
- Be real, honest, and vulnerable. Share what’s really on your heart and open up. Intimacy is only built when we feel fully known.
- Make this conversation a safe place for your spouse. Don’t get angry, annoyed, frustrated, or judgmental. Both of you are going to be vulnerable and need to know you’re safe.
Ready to go? Let’s move to conversation topic number one!
I Appreciate….
We’re going to start with a nice, easy conversation where each of you take turns sharing something you appreciate about the other person.
It can be small or big, but it must be something you really do appreciate.
I like this topic because most of the time we have no problem with telling our spouses things we don’t appreciate about them.
They made us angry.
They left the toilet seat up… Again.
This helps you flip the script and focus on telling your spouse why you love them.
Telling your spouse you appreciate them causes them to feel good and releases a powerful chemical called “dopamine” in their brain. This chemical makes you feel good and helps with bonding.
So go ahead and dopamine it up before moving onto the next topic!
This Has Been Puzzling Me…
We all have problems or questions that we’re trying to work through. For me, I’m usually trying to figure out something from work or a topic to write. My head is constantly buzzing with puzzles!
Sharing these puzzles with your spouse can give them a peek into what you’re learning or preoccupied with. Maybe a friend or family member has been behaving strangely and you’re worried it’s because of something you did.
Maybe there is something at work that has you puzzled and it’s making you anxious.
Or maybe you have been reading a good book and are puzzled about how you can start using what you’re learning.
Note to the spouse that’s listening – you are not allowed to answer or interrupt your spouse when they are sharing. Wait until they are finished and feel free to talk further about their puzzles. Ask questions and seek to understand your spouse!
Once each of you have shared and talked through all the strange puzzles and questions going on inside your heads, move onto the next topic.
I’ve Noticed Lately… (Complaint with Request For Change)
This topic is all about sharing one (or two) things that your spouse has done recently that you have a complaint about, and presenting a request on how they can change their behavior so it no longer brings you frustration.
Now this one may seem dicey, but it’s worth it.
The whole point of intimacy is the feeling that you’re fully known by another. This conversation topic is important because it begins building the trust needed to feel safe in expressing a frustration with your spouse.
Because of this, don’t go and drop a bombshell on a hot topic. If you’ve had knock-down drag-out fights about taking the garbage out, don’t bring up the garbage. Find something that’s not as heated. Table that discussion for a different time.
Once you’ve made your complaint known – you then need to offer up a request for change. Help your spouse understand how they can change their behavior to help relieve the frustration.
Aim to use S.M.A.R.T requests that will help your spouse identify when they have done what you’ve asked. These are the different parts of a S.M.A.R.T request
- Specific
- Measureable
- Attainable
- Relevant
- Time-Bound
As one of you is speaking, the other one needs to listen actively and not interrupt. Wait for the speaker to finish and thank them for letting you know. Remember, this is all about helping your spouse feel safe to express their feelings, even if those feelings are frustration resulting from something you’ve done.
Now that you’ve both had a chance to express a complaint and request a change, it’s time to move onto the last conversation topic!
I’ve Been Praying For…
This one’s extremely important. Praying together has been linked to healthier relationships and yet only 1% of couples actually do it!
Often times, the things we’re praying about are very personal and mean a lot to us. Opening up this way to your spouse allows them to support you.
I believe God deeply desires spiritual unity in marriage and blesses it. But it’s one area that a majority of couple are lacking in. That’s why it’s so important to be intentional about having this conversation.
Choose to be honest with your spouse and let them see into your spiritual life. Share with them your current prayers and what God has been showing you.
Once both partners have shared their prayer requests, take turns praying for each other. This doesn’t have to be some “super prayer” where you try to out “Christian” each other. Instead, focus on encouraging and supporting your partner.
This may seem awkward at first, but actually sitting down and praying with each other is a habit that will generate so much fruit in your marriage.
One rule I have when praying for Amanda is to have big enough faith to pray for the best outcome I can think of. I believe she deserves it and I think you believe your spouse does too.
Conclusion
Building intimacy starts with feeling safe enough to open up to each other and feeling understood. This isn’t always easy because we’re busy people and most have never been shown how to practically do it.
These conversation topics will give you a starting point and help you discover each other in new ways. Once you get the hang of it and truly feel safe, you’ll be able to branch off and share more with each other.
These aren’t one-and-done conversations. You should aim to have these conversations with your spouse on a regular basis to build the intimacy you desire. It requires intentionality because it’s so easy not to do, but it’s so worth it.
Start working on it today and you may find yourself feeling closer to your spouse than ever before.