Question And Response (Q&R): Becoming One Series
Question And Response: Becoming One Series
By Bradley Bennett
Hey everyone! In our last article, we finished up our series, Becoming One, which was all about understanding the vision and process of Biblical oneness in marriage.
We’ve had questions come in, and we thought we would do a different kind of article where we respond to questions that have been sent in, along with other common questions on this topic!
We are calling this article a Q & R (which stands for question and response) because we don’t believe we have all the answers.
But we have found that people have many questions specific to their situation and we wanted to share a response that may encourage and help!
If you have questions as you read future articles, you can always leave any questions you have in the comments on the articles, reach out to us through social, or send any questions you have to us at theusequation@gmail.com.
We pray this blesses and helps bring additional clarity as you pursue biblical oneness in your marriage!
So, without further ado, here is question one:
1. What If My Spouse Isn’t Interested In Pursuing Oneness In Our Marriage?
This was by FAR the most asked question we received during this article series. And if this is where you are finding yourself, I want you to know that we are praying for you. This is NOT an easy circumstance to find yourself in.
God’s hope for your relationship is that both spouses would be committed to building a marriage where they become one. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
And sometimes we may desire to live out God’s intention in our marriage, but our spouse’s heart is not in it.
Our heart breaks for you if this is your experience. But we do believe there is hope and that God can work in powerful ways in your marriage.
So let’s bring this question to scripture and see how God would ask us to respond in this circumstance.
In 1 Peter 3:1-2 & 7 we read —
1Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives 2when they see your pure and reverent demeanor.
And for husbands later he writes this,
7Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
The apostle Peter in this portion of his letter essentially calls us to make a crucial decision in our lives, he calls us to choose whether our obedience to God is going to be independent or dependent on our spouse’s obedience to God?
When we choose to live a life of obedience to God, choosing to operate with godliness and show Christ-like love to our spouse, then it provides space for God to move and transform their heart.
Because at its very core this is all about the heart.
And if your spouse’s heart is turned from or apathetic to becoming one, then you can’t manipulate or force them. That will just drive a wedge and run them away.
Peter gives us a way we can respond — by choosing to be obedient to the call of God personally. Choosing to love, serve, and submit even when they won’t.
Something Amanda and I try to each keep in mind is that our decision to love each other like Christ isn’t a reaction to what they do, but a reaction to what Christ has done.
In marriage, we don’t serve, submit, love, and honor because our spouse always deserves it or is responding in the same way. We choose to do it because Christ is good, has set us free, and has called us to live in such a way with our spouse.
There are two things you have in your arsenal right now:
- Living a life of Christ-like love and honor towards your spouse
- Consistent and passionate intercession (Prayer) for your spouse’s heart to turn towards God.
Allow God to move in and transform your spouse’s heart in His timing and power. And while He moves, commit to showing Christ-like love and honor as a response to Christ’s actions, not your spouses.
As we said, this is not easy, but God has and can move through this to transform your spouse’s heart. Know we are praying for you and others in this type of situation.
2. Is There Such A Thing As A Soul Mate? Like That Specific Person Created For You?
This is an incredibly popular question in our culture right now. And I understand the desire to understand if this is a thing.
We are inundated in our culture with the idea of the easy romance — the idea of being with a person where everything is perfect and easy and simple and just clicks.
That sounds awesome! Unfortunately, that’s not something we see anywhere in the Bible. We especially don’t see it as a promise from God to us.
But that doesn’t mean that soulmates don’t exist. I’m still a romantic, kinda.
It’s just that a soulmate isn’t someone you find or are handed, it’s a state of relationship you build with another through intentionality and mutual commitment.
At its very core, the idea of a soulmate is one with whom you share your soul. This is at the very heart of God’s intention for marriage — we see this in Genesis 2:24-25,
24 This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. 25 Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.
The intention of marriage is to create a type of soulmate bond, but even deeper with your spouse. Not to just be united in soul, but also in spirit and body. To become one.
Is there such a thing as a soulmate? I absolutely believe so! It’s just not someone you stumble upon by chance, it’s someone you choose to build oneness with through a lifetime of commitment, love, and mutual submission.
Are you married? Then you have found your soulmate — God has given all that is needed to become one and bear good fruit!
3. What Does The Bible Mean When It Says We Are To “Leave And Cleave”?
Great question, this goes back to God’s ideal for marriage in Genesis 2:24 again where He proclaims,
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Understanding the idea and process of leaving and cleaving is incredibly important to becoming one in marriage. This process can be understood by breaking it down into 2 steps.
The first is leaving. Before we become married, we are typically under the authority and care of our parents. In many ways, they are the closest relationship that we have. Not in every case, but in many cases.
When we become married, we have to take the step of lovingly leaving the reality of that type of relationship. One where our parents, or a parent, are our closest loving relationship.
When you get married, the relationship dynamic between you and your parents is going to change. And that is not a bad thing, it’s actually a part of God’s plan for your marriage.
The process of “leaving” doesn’t mean that you stop talking to them, or that you ignore them, or that you are unkind or unloving to them.
It just means that there is some reprioritization that needs to take place. It means opening up space for a new relationship to take the lead role among your earthly relationships.
And this isn’t limited to just your parents. Often there are extremely close friendships that have taken the lead role in our lives — and this isn’t a bad thing!
But when we enter into marriage with our spouse, that relationship MUST become our #1 priority among our earthly relationships.
This is where the second step comes in, cleaving. I don’t think I have ever used the word cleaving in a normal, everyday sentence, and my bet is that you haven’t either. Most other translations of the Bible use either the word, “Joining” or “Unite”, rather than the word cleave. They mean essentially the same thing.
It’s the process of becoming one with your spouse. It’s the lifelong process of prioritizing the relationship with your spouse first and then allowing other relationships to flow from that set place.
We’ve written all about this process during this series, so I won’t go into detail about it here, but the important thing to understand is that living a marriage of biblical oneness requires being prioritized.
You can’t become one with your spouse if you are prioritizing other relationships above them, whether that is parents, friends, or even work.
4. What Are Practical Things You And Amanda Do To Pursue Oneness?
First off, let me say this — we are far from perfect in this and are still learning and growing in this as a couple (and will be for the rest of our lives!)
We often write about things we are trying to personally grow in as a marriage and share what we learn with you all.
With that being said, here are a few things we try to do intentionally to pursue oneness in our relationship.
1. We both commit to growing spiritually personally & as a couple.
We have found that when we are not growing spiritually as personal followers of Jesus, spending time in communion with God, meditating on His Word, and being renewed in His presence, then we are not effective at pursuing oneness.
For us, our pursuit of God’s calling on our marriage comes from our personal communion with the Lord. And so, we try our best to encourage and spur one another on to grow spiritually by regularly sharing what we are learning, how we are growing, what God is revealing to us, and how we can pray for one another.
2. We share everything.
Now, there are some things we don’t share, like toothbrushes! But for pretty much everything else in our lives, we are open to each other. There are no hidden passwords, no off-limit places in our lives, and we truly try to live in full transparency with one another.
We’ve become convinced that nothing healthy comes from valuing personal privacy over transparency in marriage.
It creates too much space for some hidden portion of your life to exist without your spouse’s knowledge. And that’s almost never a good thing.
For us, we want our whole relationship to model the idea of being one. So we hold everything in common, from our bank account to the cat.
3. We Prioritize Alone Time Together
On our calendar, we have every Friday night blocked out. Why? Because Friday night is date night. We do our very best to protect this time together and it goes on our calendar before anything else does.
Does something come up every now and then? You betcha — but for everything but the most important stuff, we save for another time in the week.
We do this because we recognize that you don’t only fall in love with your spouse once. You don’t reach some point of oneness and then experience the bliss of oneness forever onwards.
Why? Because we grow and develop and change as people over time.
You and your spouse are not stagnated. Who your spouse is today will not be who they are in 5-10 years. They will probably be wildly different in many ways!
Becoming one is a life-long journey of choosing to rediscover your ever-changing spouse and learn to walk in oneness with them anew.
This requires time and intention and room to breathe.
There is more that we do, but these are just a few of the ways I thought might be beneficial to share. Hope that helps!
5. Is Happiness The Goal Of Becoming One?
Alright, we saved my favorite question for last!
When we think about marriage, often we picture the Disney-type of relationship where two loving people are joined together in a wondrous relationship and are sent off into a blissful lifetime of love with the words, “And they lived happily ever after.”
At Least that’s the dream Disney tries to sell us. But how long in your marriage did it take you to realize that dream is NOT reality? If you’re anything like me, then it didn’t take long.
Here’s the thing, happiness is a fleeting and temporary feeling. A rush of emotion. Is it great? Yes! Do I desire to be happy and for Amanda to be happy? Absolutely!
Happiness is great to desire, but it’s an awful goal for marriage. Why?
Because it’s not sustainable, and the pursuit of happiness will actually keep you from doing the hard work of marriage that will produce even better fruit… things like joy, gentleness, peace, patience, self-control, and others.
You see, happiness is completely dependent on my circumstances. Things like joy, peace, patience, are dependent on my choices.
This is why happiness isn’t a fruit of the spirit or fruit we mention when talking about the fruit of oneness. Will you experience happiness when you have oneness in your marriage, I believe so!
But the work it takes to be happy is not the work it takes to become one. Becoming one with your spouse requires tough conversations, serving selflessly, giving of yourself, and breaking down fake peace.
These aren’t things that naturally lead you to be happy all the time. They lead to something much more beautiful and fulfilling, though. A fruitful, lasting marriage operating with unity.
Do You Have Questions You Want To Ask? Let Us Know!
We pray that this was helpful and helped to color in the lines of this series of articles! If you ever have any questions, feel free to send us a message on social or email us at theusequation@gmail.com. We may use your question in a Q & R article in the future.
Be blessed!
~ Bradley