How To Avoid The Roommate Trap In Your Marriage
How To Avoid The Roommate Trap In Your Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
Apathy is and will continue to be a very common thing every marriage must fight. When apathy enters a marriage it can ensnare both spouses in something called The Roommate Trap where they feel like roommates rather than passionate lovers.
Fortunately, though, your marriage doesn’t have to fall prey. There are actionable steps you can take to avoid The Roommate Trap and experience a marriage characterized by passionate, relentless pursuit.
A Familiar, Cautionary Tale
I was getting breakfast with a good friend of mine one morning when he said he had to share something with me. Slowly, he began describing how the spark had faded in his marriage and that he and his wife were simply coexisting together in the same house.
His exact words were, “We don’t act like we’re in love anymore, it’s as though we’re just roommates sharing the house and bills.”
I could sense the pain in his voice as he described the thriving, loving marriage they had once experienced and how it now just felt numb. He didn’t know what had happened or what to do.
As I left breakfast with my friend, my heart broke for him because I knew the pain this was causing him. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard a friend express this frustration. In fact, you may be actively struggling with this right now, too.
This situation seems so far away from what God intends for marriage. We see in the Song of Solomon that God intends for us to be rapturously in love with each other.
“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” ~Song of Solomon 6:3
On my drive home, I just had one question swirling around in my head.
How Do I Protect My Marriage From This Happening?
The Roommate Trap
The Roommate Trap is a term crafted by Dave and Ashley Willis and is the perfect way to describe what happens in many marriages like my friend’s. Here’s how Dave and Ashley describe it,
“The Roommate Trap isn’t like a mousetrap that snaps you in an instant. It’s slow and methodical like an elaborate maze. Once a couple enters the maze of life’s busy-ness (work, kids, bills, etc.), they can find themselves wandering around and getting separated from one another. It’s not an intentional separation; it’s just what can happen when life is happening fast.”
The scary part is that we rarely know when we are entering “the maze.” We’re too busy to see it until we wake up one day and realize that things aren’t like they used to be. Things have changed.
Warning Signs You’re Slipping Into The Roommate Trap
I’ve found Amanda and I slipping towards this sense of apathy at times in our relationship. It’s subtle and it enters when you aren’t expecting it at all. Each time though, there have been warning signs that we’ve been able to pick up on that have helped us redirect course.
Loss Of Physical Intimacy: Physical intimacy is often a good gauge for what’s happening beneath the hood. A lack of sex or physical affection can generally be a sign that we’re drifting apart.
Date Nights Never Happen: Regular date nights can be expensive and require effort, but are so important in your marriage. If neither of you is putting in the effort to make them happen, then it’s a clue that things are out of priority.
Not Including Spouse In Free Time: We all need “down time” where we can do what we love to do, but if we are constantly ignoring our spouse and doing our own thing during our free time, then it may be a sign that apathy is starting to creep in.
Your Spouse Is Coming After Your Schedule: Making time for each other should come first. If you’re constantly too busy for your spouse because of your schedule, then you will quickly become too busy for a thriving, romantic marriage.
It’s easy for us to begin drifting towards these things due to our busy lives. I’ve noticed them pop several times in my marriage. What’s important is how we respond when we see these warning signs pop up.
How To Avoid The Roommate Trap
1. Admit You’re Vulnerable: No matter how great your marriage may be right now, don’t grow complacent thinking that you are above falling victim to The Roommate Trap.
2. Address It When You See It: Falling into The Roommate Trap is not a sudden thing. It slowly ensnares you until you wake up one day feeling like everything has changed. The best way to avoid it is to address the warning signs the moment you see them.
3. Fight To Care, Even When It’s Hard: We will all go through seasons, fueled by busy-ness or hurt, where it’s easier not to care. We must fight these feelings and choose to open our heart to our spouse instead of closing it off.
4. Commit To Go First: The Roommate Trap ensnares a marriage when both spouses refuse to take the risk and go first. Your spouse may not reciprocate, but your actions of love and pursuit are not supposed to be dependant on their reaction. Make the decision now that you will be the one to go first.
5. Pursue, Pursue, Pursue: Many times, the best defense is a concerted offense. The best way to keep The Roommate Trap far from our marriage is by doing the work to pursue each other relentlessly.
6. Pray Together Regularly: Prayer is the first and foremost weapon that we should pick up when fighting for our marriage. Sharing our spiritual life is one of the most intimate things we can do. Continually ask for God to bring you and your spouse closer together.
Always Pursue, Always Try
The Roommate Trap is something we must always be vigilant to avoid. With all the distractions in life, it’s all too easy for a marriage to slowly drift apart until they no longer feel intimate or close with each other.
I’m constantly reminded that we are never static in marriage. We are either intentionally growing or we are passively atrophying. My friend, I ask that you always pursue, and always try in your marriage.
My hope is that you would watch over your marriage vigilantly and would give zero ground for The Roommate Trap. And in doing so have a marriage characterized not by apathy, but instead, relentless, passionate pursuit.
Share Your Experience/Wisdom In The Comments!
- What Are Other Ways You Avoid The Roommate Trap In Your Marriage?
- Have You Found Your Marriage Ensnared By The Roommate Trap Before? How Did You Free It?
- Are You Currently In The Roommate Trap Right Now? How Can We Pray For You?