What To Do When You Don’t Agree
What To Do When You Don't Agree
By Bradley
Let me tell you a quick secret…
Sometimes Amanda and I don’t agree on everything. We’re not always on the same page.
I know…. it’s a shocker. But there are plenty of times when we just aren’t on the same page about something.
We had one of these moments happen recently.
I had just walked in from working out and Amanda was in the kitchen pulling the dishes from the washer. As I went to get some water she asked if it would be ok to invite a couple over for dinner later that night.
Just so you guys know – Amanda and I differ in one big area.
She’s a huge extrovert and loves hanging out with people all the time, and I’m a social introvert. I get worn out when we’re constantly going places and around people. I enjoy having downtime at the house alone.
So back to Amanda’s question… We had already been out the past two nights and had plans to spend time with a group of friends the next night. So to put it bluntly, I didn’t want to have people over that night. I needed time to recharge at the house.
I responded by saying, “Honestly… I was kinda looking forward to just having some downtime here are the house.
“Oh…” she responded, “I was really wanting them over.” Insert cute puppy dog/pouty face.
Admittedly, I got frustrated and decided it would be better to just leave it there. And we did. I went upstairs to take a shower and she continued to move the dishes.
No resolution.
These small disagreements happen all the time in marriage. It may not seem like a big deal, but something huge just happened. And most people miss it, creating tons of friction in their marriage.
A gap was just created. A question was asked that had an answer-sized hole left unfilled. What do you think will happen if a resolution is never reached? If it’s just “left alone”.
Frustration will creep in. Someone will probably feel like they aren’t heard. There will be a misunderstanding about what’s going on. None of these are positive.
Right now you may be thinking, “So what? We have conversations like this and it never develops into some huge argument.”
And you’re right. By itself, that one moment probably doesn’t set off a huge argument.
But that’s not the actual problem. The trouble comes when you continually let conversations like this end without resolution.
You’re continually leaving these resolution-less questions floating in your marriage. This creates a compounding effect where each similar conversation slowly adds to the frustration until there’s a blow-up.
Where one partner (or both) is frustrated because they feel like they’re not being heard.
So how do you avoid this?
How do you talk through moments when you both want something completely different?
While every couple is unique, here is the structure Amanda and I use to talk through these moments. To make sure that we are both heard and can reach a resolution with unity.
Step 1: Express How You Are Really Feeling
The first step is to understand and express how you’re feeling. This is crucial because you need to be heard. Both partners are equal in your marriage and need to express how they are feeling.
Unity in marriage isn’t about ignoring your personal feelings. It’s fully understanding your’s and your partner’s feelings so you can make a unified decision.
In order to do this, there needs to be freedom to fully express how you‘re each feeling.
This is something Amanda and I did in the example above. Let me walk you through it.
I let Amanda know that I was really looking forward to a night at home. Which was exactly how I felt.
Amanda then responded and let me know that she was really excited about spending time with this couple. She let me know how she felt.
Amanda didn’t just say, “oh…. That’s fine.” She let me know she disagreed.
I have a hard time expressing how I feel because I don’t want to come off as a hermit. If I had it my way, I would be perfectly ok living in a cave on a mountain. As long as the cave had necessities like high-speed internet, A/C, and a Publix nearby.
I know this about myself, but I also love people, so I usually will push against my desire to be a hermit.
One of the reasons I love Amanda is she constantly provides encouragement (not always the soft, fluffy kind) to go out and spend time with people.
But sometimes I really do need rest. If I never expressed it in those moments, then I would constantly feel like I’m exhausted. I would begin resenting Amanda for pushing me to hang out with people when I don’t want to.
So go ahead, share what you are feeling! Be honest, telling the full truth helps you get a seat at the table. It makes sure that you’re feelings are addressed.
Step 2: Dig It Up And Talk Through Why You Feel That Way
After expressing how you feel, you need to talk through WHY you feel this way. This is where it gets tricky because most couples can express what they are feeling, but nothing beyond that.
You can’t leave it there.
You need to do the hard work of understanding what is causing those feelings. Our culture is really bad at this. We’re rarely told to dig in and uncover the reasons behind what we’re feeling.
Instead, we’re told to forget them, numb them away with another Netflix episode, play a game, or go for a run. Trained to do anything but search for the real reason behind our feelings.
Guys are constantly being told they don’t have feelings or can’t express them. That’s a lie. It’s time to man up and do a little work to understand what is going on underneath the hood.
Ladies, you (for the most part) are much better at expressing how you feel. But things can get a bit hairy when you have to express why you’re feeling that way.
I’m going to outlaw a few phrases from use during this conversation.
- I don’t know
- I don’t care
- It doesn’t matter
- It’s that time of the month
All of these phrases are either excuses or a way of deflecting. Even if it’s hard work, it’s worth it to understand what’s causing your feelings.
You may have no idea why you’re feeling the way you do. That’s fine. Take a second and talk it out.
Let’s call a timeout for some “real talk” with the guys.
Gentlemen… when your wife begins to work through her feelings you have one simple job.
To listen.
Don’t offer solutions or suggestions. Don’t think about the game that’s on or pull out your phone. Point your eyeballs at her, be present, and listen.
You’ll thank me later.
The goal for both spouses here is to articulate why you’re feeling a certain way.
Both partners must participate and neither partner can say anything while the other is talking except to show active listening.
This step is crucial because it helps both partners fully understand each other. Usually, the disagreement happens because each spouse sees the same situation differently.
You have to lay it all out and explain your side of the story.
After doing some digging, I realized I wanted a home night for three reasons.
- We had been out and about the past two nights.
- We were going to be spending the next night with a group of friends
- I knew I needed to recharge and if we didn’t do it tonight, I wouldn’t be able to.
Amanda didn’t realize this. She enjoys being with people so much that it didn’t register with her as much as it did with me.
Amanda’s underlying reason was that we had a double date planned earlier in the week but the other couple had to cancel. We ended up going on a date with just us two and she wanted to find time to reschedule with them.
In my head, I’d seen date night as fun and needed, but it also took energy. It didn’t register with me as much that we needed to reschedule quickly with the couple.
Now that we understood how each other felt, and why we felt that way, we were ready for the final step.
Step 3: Create a Unified Final Resolution
Now comes the hard part. Compromise. You need to use all the information from the first two steps and come together to form a healthy compromise.
Once a place of understanding is reached, you each need to present a resolution. It doesn’t matter who goes first, but each of you needs to express what they want to do after taking in all the information.
After both partners have shared what they want to do, you must decide on one.
Most of the time, you’ll both have the same idea about how to move forward. Sometimes, your partner will suggest a direction that is perfect and you hadn’t thought about. Forget about being right, focus on what will serve your partner and bring unity.
The goal is to have a clear, unified direction that benefits both of you.
For Amanda and I, after talking through the situation, we decided to recharge that night and schedule a time with the couple the following week.
This compromise worked for both of us. I got the rest I needed and we got to spend time with the couple.
Reaching a resolution gives both partners a final answer. The loose ends have been tied and you can walk away from the situation more unified, not less.
Conclusion
We need an “Us” mindset to work through moments when we don’t agree. Our spouse is a human being with feelings and we need to be mindful of that. Approaching the situation from their viewpoint helps build the unity needed to resolve disagreements.
Amanda and I couldn’t have reached a healthy resolution if we hadn’t worked through our disagreement. We would have left the door wide open for frustration and potential hurt to enter our relationship.
These moments of disagreement can be opportunities to build unity, not only erode it. Marriage takes work, and this is the type of work you must do daily. Choosing to look at these moments as opportunities to build unity will transform your marriage.
The compounding effect doesn’t have to be negative, you can use it to positively to compound the unity in your marriage. You will find that eventually, you’ll understand why your spouse is feeling a certain way without even having to ask.
This will allow you to serve them and love them in bigger and better ways. Eventually, you won’t even need this structure, you will be champs at talking through disagreements.
Set the time aside, do the hard work, and really seek to understand each other.