What Is An “Us” Marriage?
What Is An "Us Marriage"?
By Bradley and Amanda
You want a marriage that is fulfilling and joyful, right?
One where you can explore this life along with your partner forever. You don’t want perfect, but you want a marriage that brings with it more than frustration and fighting. There’s a desire inside that yearns for something greater than the normal.
If that’s you, then you may be looking for what Amanda and I call an “Us Marriage”.
Simply put, an Us Marriage is a marriage that experiences greater fulfillment and joy because their relationship is built on extraordinary unity. This focus on building unity allows them to simply skip over a ton of the friction and frustration most marriages experience.
Amanda and I believe that by focusing on unity, we can build a more fulfilled marriage. Right now, this is the vision for our relationship, to build an Us Marriage.
We are only at the beginning of our journey and don’t have everything (or even most things) figured out. But we know where we want to go.
Our hope is to share with you our vision, explain it, and perhaps help you build a vision for your marriage as well.
To begin, we are going to take a look at the beginning. The moment when this idea of an Us Marriage was birthed.
The Beginning
Honestly, if you were watching this moment like a scene in a movie then it probably wouldn’t seem like much. But this is the moment I credit with sparking everything.
My dad and I were in the kitchen talking when my mom entered and asked if my dad would go shopping with her later. He was looking at me and flashed a grimace so quickly it made me laugh.
In case it wasn’t apparent, my dad really hates shopping.
I expected him to say no. Instead, he responded with, “Would that make you happy?” And boy did it! My mom was thrilled he wanted to go with her and she hurried off to get ready.
As my mom left the kitchen, my dad turned to me with a sly smile and said something that seemed simple at the time.
He said, “Bradley, I don’t want to go shopping, but “Us” wants to go shopping.”
As a 10 year old, I had no idea what that meant. But as the years went on, it always stuck with me. This thought of “Us”. What he said to me would come to my mind whenever I saw him or my mom put unity first and serve the other in some way.
Once Amanda and I married, I wanted what I observed all those years in my parents. I wanted that unity. After working through it together, Amanda and I settled on a vision for our marriage.
We saw there were two identities a marriage can take. One identity is “Me” and focuses solely on what each person wants. The other is an “Us” identity. This identity focuses on the marriage as a whole and serving the other. My mom and dad weren’t all about “Me”, they had an Us Marriage.
Unfortunately, we saw tons of marriages that were experiencing the opposite. They approached life as two separate individuals simply coexisting, and they had marriages filled with conflict and pain.
The latest marriage and divorce research shows that around 1/3 of marriages are ending in divorce. Research also shows that happiness in marriage has slipped close to an all-time low.
This shouldn’t be the case. Marriage should be a place where “two” unique people become “one”. A unified force in love. A unified force in communication, adventure, finances, and affection. Pursuing this unity unlocks the real power inside a marriage.
But marriages today aren’t experiencing that. They aren’t focusing on “Us”. This leads to the opposite of an Us Marriage.
This is what we call “Me Marriages”.
What a me marriage looks like
Honestly, I think we all have a little bit of a Me Marriage in us. We’re naturally selfish.
It takes real undivided attention and work (lots of it) to think about and love on others. This carries into our marriage. If we are not intentional, we will fail to serve our spouse the way we are called to.
We unknowingly fall into a Me Marriage.
Unfortunately, this is the norm in our society and for good reason. It’s easy. All we have to do is think about ourselves.
Sure we think about our spouse every now and then. We buy her flowers, we wash his car randomly, or we surprise them with their favorite ice cream. These are nice things, but they are ‘feel good’ moments. How often do we serve in the moments when it requires sacrifice?
Are we doing them because we truly want to love and serve our spouse or are we doing them because we are in the doghouse, or want some brownie points?
If we are serving our spouses to simply benefit ourselves, we are still living in this Me Marriage mentality. Consumed with what we want and desire. We look at what we can get from our spouse instead of how we can serve and love them to build “Us”. We forget that we are doing life with another human being (that we love) who has dreams, desires, and needs.
Sure, you have a forever roommate where you can eat dinner together, binge netflix together, and enjoy other ‘perks’ ;)….
…. But is that all there is to marriage?
As easy going as this marriage may seem, it’s ultimately hollow. It’s not fulfilling and not all marriage was intended for.
It’s as if you’re a child trying to live off candy because it tastes good. You never eat anything of substance (veggies anyone?) that will help you grow and become strong.
Focusing on “Me” is building your marriage on sand instead of stone.
What happens when times get tough?
Or when you have a rough day, week, year?
Or when your spouse is getting on your nerves? (we know it happens to all of us)
A Me Marriage simply crumbles when times get tough because there is not a solid foundation to hold it together. The marriage isn’t built to handle these situations with love and grace. Instead, both spouses get so wrapped up in what they individually want all they can do is point out what their spouse is lacking.
A Me Marriage is built to simply coexist until it is no longer convenient.
A Healthier Way To Build A Marriage - The Us Marriage
At it’s core, a Me Marriage is setup to bring frustration into your relationship and leave one of you a victor and the other defeated. This marriage feels like a constant war to defeat your enemy (read: spouse) so that you can get what you want.
There has to be a healthier way to build a marriage, right?
There must be marriages that are functional, joyful, and life-giving to both partners. Marriages where both partners are in synch and are working together as a team, not as two separate sides in a war for dominance.
We believe the answer is to leave “Me” behind and pursue “Us”.
This may be a completely new way of thinking for you. And that’s fine. It may feel weird at first. But when we take the focus off ourselves, we can build unity.
When you have unity in your relationship, you no longer feel as though you are at war with the person you have decided to live the rest of you life with. Instead, you are working as a team to experience life more fully than you ever could separately.
A beautiful illustration of this is draft horses.
Bear with me on this one. 😉
Draft horses are used to pull heavy loads and wagons. Individually, a single draft horse can pull around 8,000 pounds. Not bad.
But… put two of them together, working as a team, and something amazing happens.
When unified, two draft horses can pull 24,000 pounds. More than THREE times the amount of a single draft horse.
When you move in the same direction as your partner, you live life more fully than you ever could as an individual. You have more capacity to love, to experience joy, and to adventure.
An Us Marriage goes beyond simply coexisting in the same radius as your spouse and the occasional date night. It is an intentional pursuit of intimacy with the other. Intimacy in all things.
Even the ugly. The REAL. That is ultimately what builds the unity that can transfrom your marriage.
An Us Marriage Is Fun
Now, we are not saying that we need to suck the fun out of marriage.
On my bachelorette trip I can’t tell you how many people said to me ‘enjoy your last days of freedom’. I was so confused, and honestly frustrated by these comments.
A lot of people think that marriage is the end of all freedom and independence. Their perception of marriage is a place where there is constant fighting, nagging, and an end to all fun. They don’t see it as an opportunity to grow and adventure with an amazing partner that will always support you.
They believe that there will be less sex and more fights.
Fewer guys nights and more chores.
Sure, your responsibilities change when you are married. Your focus has to shift, but that does not mean you lose your freedom or self. Marriage is supposed to be fun! Believe me, I think being married is the best thing ever.
However, I do believe that when you start to adjust your perspective from all about “me” to all about “us”, there is great reward. You truly get to do life with someone else. You get to undeniably become one with another person.
Someone who knows your biggest fears all the way to your biggest, out of this world dreams.
Having an Us Marriage allows you to experience life in a way that a Me Marriage never can. You will have to sacrifice certain things, but the peace and fulfillment you get is a greater “fun” and more than worth it.
Conclusion
When Amanda and I were working through the process of getting married, we had to decide. What did we want our marriage to be like?
Did we want a Me Marriage like those we saw all around. A marriage constantly at war, full of frustration and fighting?
Or did we want something more? Something like the joy and power we saw in a few couples pursuing unity together.
From the beginning we decided to build a relationship centered on unity. An Us Marriage.
And now it’s your turn.
Today, you get to make a decision.
What is your vision going to be for your marriage? Will you do the hard work of building an Us Marriage?