A Vision For Oneness (Becoming One: Part 1)
A Vision For Oneness (Becoming One: Part 1)
By Bradley Bennett
Most Christian wedding ceremonies culminate with the exciting, wonderful proclamation, “I now pronounce you man and wife!”
I still remember when my father (who married Amanda and me) uttered those words! It was a fantastic moment full of wonder, potential, and shared joy. And I remember walking arm and arm with Amanda down the aisle as we took the first steps in our new life together.
You may have had a similar experience to us on your wedding day! Many couples share this beautiful moment as they are launched into their new marriage together.
They are sent out with dreams of life-long love and aspirations of living out the words in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
But, at least in our experience, it didn’t take long for us to realize that we had no idea what we were doing!
Building a life together is incredibly tough, confusing, and rarely a straight life. You will have differences, you will have disagreements, you will have disappointments.
And this is normal… because in marriage you have two very different people learning to share their entire life with one another. It’s in this dynamic of marriage that Amanda and I, along with many others we know, have found tension in their marriage.
A tension found in the reality that after the wedding celebration we are often sent out into the world with the mission of becoming one, but with zero idea how to do it.
What Are We Trying To Build?
In many ways, it’s like you’re given all the parts to a piece of IKEA furniture but given no directions or pictures of the finished product. And then are expected to build something functional out of them!
There are ways of helping to alleviate some of this tension, like participating in premarital counseling (Which we whole-heartedly suggest to every engaged couple!).
But even this type of preparation often only focuses on practical things like budgeting, talking about kids, and other functional conversations. These are important conversations but ultimately fall short of providing all that is needed to fulfill the goal of operating in biblical oneness.
These conversations help you understand the parts of your marriage better, but it still leaves you without a clear picture of what you are building or aiming for.
This is why the first step in becoming one is establishing a vision for the oneness you want to create.
Getting The Right Vision
When Amanda and I first got married, I had a pretty confused vision for what oneness looked like. And it caused more than a few hurts and bumps along the way.
We both desired to become one in our marriage. We answered that question time and time again on our wedding day. But there was one important question that we never actually had to answer.
If we were to become one… Which ONE would we become?
For the first few years of our marriage, I unconsciously answered that question with, “Yes – Amanda and I are one… And I am the one.”
I operated in a way that saw me as the center of our relationship and sought to make Amanda adjust to line up with me. In many ways, I am ashamed to admit it, but that was my vision of oneness.
If I could sum up my vision for oneness it would have been: To change Amanda so that she looked more like me and adjusted to become one with who I was.
That’s not right, it’s not healthy, and it’s sure not biblical or Christ-centered. But for many spouses, whether consciously or unconsciously, this is their vision for biblical oneness. To force and change their spouse to become one with them.
And for me, it was something I had to lay down when I became confronted with it.
You see, if our marriage is Christ-centered, then the question we must ask ourselves is what is the biblical vision for becoming one? What is it that Christ calls us to live out?
Our aim should be to lay down our human desire to force our spouse to adjust to us and instead pick up God’s desire for our marriage.
The Best Example Of Oneness We Can Follow
There is no better example or model for the biblical oneness we are called to live out in our marriage than the oneness expressed by the trinity.
Now, I know that even thinking about the Trinity can seem daunting and intimidating. In fact, there are few things in the bible that will break your brain like trying to understand the fullness of the trinity!
And so, my goal is not to get super deep into the brain-breaking portions of the trinity, but rather to pull out specific attributes that we can use as a model for oneness in our marriage.
It’ll be fine, trust me!
Jesus, in John 17:21, prayed,
“I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.”
In many ways, the relationship between the Father (God), the Son (Jesus), and the Holy Spirit is the greatest relationship to have ever existed. It is rich in love, unity, and power. And it is the perfect representation of what we are to strive for in our marriage.
St. Augustine of Hippo once said,
“There is no subject where error is more dangerous…and discovery more fruitful than the oneness of the Trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”
His words ring similarly true when applied to biblical oneness in marriage.
You see, misunderstanding can be dangerous and cause a lot of pain. But few things can bear as much fruit and joy as discovering and operating within the biblical vision of marital oneness.
So, as we look to the Trinity, what can we learn about God’s design for biblical oneness?
#1 Oneness means distinction with unity
In the picture of the trinity, we see incredibly rich unity married alongside incredibly rich distinction. There is one Father, there is one Son, and there is one Holy Spirit… yet they are one, not three.
As I said, it can break the brain. But don’t give up on this. It’s beautiful how this can play out in your marriage.
It is this distinction with unity that is to be reflected in marriage through two distinct persons, male and female, coming together in unity. And this is not some sort of dull uniformity, but the creation of a rich, new tapestry woven together using two distinct threads.
Biblical oneness is not about letting go of who you are, or seeking to transform your spouse into someone more like you. It is living out who you are uniquely in the context of unity together.
And this is why unity is not uniformity. It is a distinction with a shared purpose.
Biblical oneness is a union where both husband and wife come to know one another intimately and cherish each other deeply as they complement one another in unity.
And the way this works doesn’t have to follow cultural gender norms, it’s simply a process of continual discovery as you learn how to best bring your distinctness into unity.
But having this distinction with unity doesn’t just happen. It requires something very specific…
#2 Oneness means submitting to one another
Jesus, The Son, in His prayer to the Father said this…
John 17:18 — “As you have sent me into the world, I have sent them (the disciples) into the world.”
In this verse we see Jesus, one part of the trinity, willingly and voluntarily submitting to The Father who sent Him into the world. We see the different parts of the trinity also operating in submitted roles in places like John 16:7.
This models for us that oneness requires something called mutual submission.
Unfortunately, the word submission is a loaded word that often gets weaponized in such a way that leads to abuse. And if that is your experience, I am so sorry. That is a result of human fallenness and brokenness, and not God’s intended design.
Because when done in love, mutual submission unlocks something wonderful in marriage.
Paul, in Ephesians 5:21, shares that marriage is a space where we choose to,
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Submitting in a biblical, Christ-centered marriage is a two-way street. It’s a constant dance of choosing to submit to one another as you both submit to Christ. To allow one another to take the lead in certain ways for the purpose of accomplishing something grander together.
This leads to the third and final thing we can learn from the trinity…
#3: Oneness Means Being Unified Around A Common Mission To Honor and Affirm
Oneness in marriage is not simply for the sake of oneness. True, vibrant oneness requires unity around a common mission that could not be accomplished without another.
We see this unity around a common mission modeled in the trinity as well. Jesus, when crucified, declared that
“Now is the Son of Man glorified, and God (the Father) is glorified in Him.”(John 13:31).
And in John 16:14, when speaking of the Holy Spirit, he says…
“He shall glorify me, for He shall take of mine and reveal it to you.”
Together, the Trinity is united around the goal of glorifying one another. The word “glorifying” is just a big, scary “church word” that means to reveal the greatness of someone’s work or character.
All throughout scripture we see the persons of the trinity bringing glory and honor to one another. What a beautiful picture of what we get the opportunity to do in marriage.
What would it look like if you set this as your purpose in your marriage? What if your marriage was united around the mission of honoring one another in order to ultimately glorify God?
Biblical oneness provides the opportunity for each spouse to glorify God in greater measure by honoring one another.
A Vision For Oneness
Zig Ziglar once said, “If you aim at nothing you’ll hit it every time.”
Experiencing biblical oneness in your marriage requires first setting the right aim. It requires having the right model to look at.
The models found in this world can not even scratch the beauty of the oneness found within the persons of the trinity. And you can experience the fruit of biblical oneness in your marriage too, but it starts with setting the right vision for what you want to create.