Renewing And Refining (Gospel: Part 2)
Renewing And Refining (Gospel: Part 2)
By Bradley Bennett
A few months ago I was having a conversation with a friend that took a turn I wasn’t expecting. It started out normal enough, but it wasn’t long before he started to share that things weren’t going great at home.
He said that something felt like it had changed in his marriage. Nothing major had happened, but he and his wife just weren’t very happy anymore. They had tried a bunch of things ranging from classes to date nights, but they just didn’t seem as happy as they had been before. And it was leading to a lot of frustration.
Why Aren’t We Happy?
Chances are you’ve felt a similar frustration, even if you’ve never voiced it before.
For many couples, this frustration comes from the same place… The space between our expectations and our experiences.
I vividly remember experiencing this reality early on in my marriage with Amanda. I went into our life together with grand visions of happiness and eternal bliss, only to realize that marriage is not always sunshine and rainbows.
But in the same way, neither is it all doom and gloom. It’s a complicated mishmash of both!
Marriage is both wonderful and difficult. It is beautiful and imperfect. And as Amanda and I have to constantly remind each other, it’s okay for these things to be true at the same time.
Why? Because there is no such thing as a perfect marriage! And expecting your marriage to consist of only wonder, beauty, or easy love will inevitably lead only to frustration.
The story we expect our marriage to live out is incredibly powerful. It sets our expectations and can lead to a relationship filled with frustration or one that is filled with joy.
This is where the good news of the gospel impacts your marriage. It provides a better story, based on God’s good design, that leads to deep joy, thanksgiving, and contentment.
As Amanda and I have grown in our own understanding of the gospel, we have found a better narrative script, a better story, for our marriage that has helped us navigate the tensions and realities of marriage.
The Cultural Story: Live Happily Ever After
One of the things I found out about Amanda early on in our dating relationship was the fact that she LOVED Disney movies. Especially the ones that feature a prince and a princess getting together and that end with the words, “They lived happily ever after.”
I’m sure you’re familiar with the ones!
In many ways, this is the story our culture tells us should play out in our marriage. We’re told that we should expect easy love and for things to click together without effort.
All we have to do is find the right person who can meet our needs in such a way that will allow us to live in a blissful, happy relationship for the rest of our lives.
Sounds nice, doesn’t it?!
Now, if you’re like my friend, you may have found that it doesn’t take very long for this story to break down in your marriage. Things may start off okay, but before long you realize your spouse isn’t perfect, and then you realize that YOU might not be perfect either and that things are getting a little hard.
It starts off with a couple of arguments. He forgets to help with the chores, and she left the bathroom sink a mess. Then there are in-law dynamics, bills, and financial pressures, major life events and so much more. And before long, rather than a life of happiness and bliss, you find yourself frustrated at why you aren’t as happy as you were before.
You see, the story that culture tells you to live out in your marriage is a fairytale. Emotions are fleeting and temporary and expecting them to be sustained throughout the life of our marriage can only end in one way… frustration and disappointment.
Thankfully there is a better story that you CAN live out. There is a story that can and will lead you into greater love and joy in your relationship.
The Gospel Story: Live Renewed And Refined
The story that the Gospel calls your marriage to live out is radically different from the world’s story. But in it, you will find a framework that will empower you to live out God’s good intentions for your union.
What surprises me most when I talk with a frustrated husband or wife, is how rarely we think to question our expectations. We ask why we are frustrated or unhappy but don’t examine the underlying assumptions or expectations leading to that frustration.
And so, let’s do that for a second. Let’s challenge our expectations. Let’s ask a potentially crazy question.
Here it is… What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?
What if there was something far better than culture’s unattainable story about a life of happiness?
Because, through the gospel, there is. Through the good news of the gospel, your marriage can be a story about increasing holiness. And as a follower of Jesus, the call to holiness (to be set apart for God’s purposes) is one of the greatest calls in our life.
The Apostle Peter in a letter to early followers of Jesus reminds them of God’s desire,
1 Peter 1:9: for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
We are called to image God, even if only in part, through growing in holiness. In the Christian life, this is the path to experiencing everlasting joy and contentment in Christ. Our world tells us to pursue happiness alone, but in God’s goodness and ways, holiness paves the way to happiness.
As John Wesley put it, “no one is truly happy who is not pursuing holy.”
So… what if your marriage was a specific kind of union that God wanted to move through to grow you and your spouse in holiness? What if he intended for your marriage to form, shape, and empower you to grow more into His image?
Happiness In Holiness
This change in expectation has been nothing short of transformative for me and Amanda in our marriage. You see, the desire to grow in holiness takes the focus of my marriage off me and my needs and puts it squarely onto pleasing God and growing in my capacity to love my spouse.
In the light of the gospel, your marriage becomes a unique type of relationship that helps you love God and others like Christ.
You see, no other relationship requires us to lay down more of our self-will on a daily basis. No other relationship will expose the selfish or unloving things within us quite like marriage.
If your expectation is a blissful union filled with happiness at all times, then that’s not great news. But, if your expectation is a blessed union where you are helping one another look more like Christ and experience the abundant life found in His ways, then it changes things.
It’s in the story of the Gospel that we see the very good hope and expectation God has for your marriage. It reveals that God has intended for your marriage to be more than a vain pursuit of the fleeting feeling of happiness. You were joined with your spouse for something far more valuable, long-lasting, and satisfying.
God intended your marriage relationship to grow you and your spouse in your capacity to love God and to love one another like Christ.
Let me show you how.
Created For Holy Relationship
In the beginning, God created humanity, we were created holy and in the image of God.
At this point, Adam and Eve were unsullied by the stain of sin. They were consecrated and in perfect union with God, with each other, and with creation.
Together, Adam and Eve “imaged” God to creation as they were fruitful and multiplied. In this state there was deep joy, contentment, satisfaction, and unity.
Fallen Into Broken Relationship
Rather than allow God to lead them and allow Him to define what is good and bad, Adam and Eve did what seemed good in their own eyes. They did what they thought would make THEM happy.
This decision allowed sin to enter creation and led to brokenness in their relationship with God and each other.
This very same cycle gets played out in marriages all over the world every day. Rather than walk in God’s holy ways, spouses choose to do what seems good in their own eyes and prioritize what might make them happy.
And this is the very thing our culture tells us to do!
And just like Adam and Eve, this decision only leads to brokenness, division, and ultimately death in our relationships.
Renewed and Refined Through Christ’s Redemption
Jesus Christ came and did what no other human had done before, He walked holy and blameless before God. Doing only what He saw the father doing and living without sin.
This allowed Him to do what no one else could do, which was to become a holy sacrifice that paid the penalty for our sins. (He who knew no sin, became sin)
And then, by rising on the third day, He conquered the power of sin and death.
He now offers that power over sin and death to those who trust and follow Him. This means that in Christ, we have victory over the power of Sin in our marriage and can grow in holiness as we follow Christ and look more like Him.
The redeeming work of Jesus was once and for all, but we experience it in new capacities each day as we are refined and learn to participate in this new life with Him.
This is good news for your marriage!
It means that through Christ, you can grow in your capacity to love your spouse like Christ. You have a relationship with the creator who desires to lead you and refine you into a union that experiences the goodness of becoming one.
This is something far greater, fuller, and more beautiful than fleeting happiness. Rather, it’s holiness. Learning to walk in God’s wisdom and set apart ways that lead to everlasting life.
The Finished Work Of Eternity
The work of becoming renewed and refined will never end here on earth. There is always more dross to be removed from our souls. (Dross parable)
But through the power of the gospel, we can look forward to the day where we will exist fully refined and renewed in eternity along with the risen Christ.
In eternity we will know fully of the goodness of God as we are one with Him and in perfect relationship with one another. There will be no more sin, no more brokenness, no more mere fleeting happiness. There will be deep joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, and unity.
We will finally be holy as He is holy.
A Beautiful Refining
In the light of the gospel, marriage becomes so much more than simply pursuing the fleeting feeling of happiness. The gospel transforms your marriage into a beautiful, long-lasting union that helps you and your spouse to grow in holiness.
Marriage exposes the sinful parts of us like no other relationship in the world. It will press against every bit of selfishness and pride we possess. And often, it’s not comfortable or something that will make us happy at the moment.
But, in the light of the gospel, we can take joy in this reality because we know it is renewing us and refining us to look even more like our savior, Jesus.
And that is a far better story.