3 Marriage Killers Caused By The Comparison Trap
3 Marriage Killers Caused By The Comparison Trap
By Bradley Bennett
Comparison is an epidemic that’s plaguing today’s marriages. Practically every couple has to deal with it on some level due to our overly-connect world. Thanks to things like social media we’re constantly bombarded with everyone else’s “highlight reels.”
There’s a consistent flood of images, videos, and Instagram stories all seeking to tell us that our marriage “doesn’t measure up.” It can feel like it’s impossible to escape.
If you’ve felt like this, then know you are not alone! Fighting against comparison is something Amanda and I have to do regularly. We don’t always get it right, and there have been more times than I care to admit where I’ve fallen into it without even realizing it.
I call comparison a plague because it presents itself as harmless but in reality is nothing more than poison. It brings no benefit to our marriage. Instead, comparison acts like the front door through which several toxins enter our marriage.
Among these toxins are three specific ones I call “Marriage Killers.” When left untreated, these marriage killers will eat away at our relationship until there is no more contentment, joy or fulfillment left.
This is why it’s so important to see comparison for what it is… A TRAP.
The Comparison Trap
Our marriage falls into the comparison trap when we begin evaluating our marriage by looking at those around us in an unhealthy way. We are snared by it when we become envious of other marriages in a way that makes us feel like ours just doesn’t measure up.
We can tell we’ve fallen into the comparison trap when we find ourselves saying or thinking things like this,
“I wish my marriage was more like theirs” (While blaming your spouse for why it isn’t)
“I wish my spouse was more (insert positive quality) like their spouse. My spouse is just (insert negative quality).”
“They look like such a happy couple in this picture, why can’t we be as happy as they clearly are?”
These statements may seem “harmless” enough, but they’re a sign that we’ve been snared.
Being on guard against comparison is one of our greatest responsibilities as a spouse. When we are diligent to protect our heart from it, we are also protecting our marriage.
Keeping comparison far from us prevents the toxins that accompany it. Among these toxins are the ones I refer to as “Marriage Killers.” In order for us to truly understand the danger comparison poses to our marriage, we need to understand how each of these works.
Let’s take a deep dive and see how each of them operate.
Marriage Killer #1: Discontentment
Have you ever thought that your spouse is “just not enough?”
This is a lie that comparison will whisper into our ear repeatedly until we believe it. It tells us to put our spouse up against every image or video we view and see if they measure up.
Can I be honest – most of the time they won’t! There will always be someone who posts better pictures, seems happier, or has a better body.
This is why comparison is the single greatest enemy of contentment. It introduces the toxin of discontentment which makes us focus on what we don’t have and take for granted what we do have.
In marriage, this can cause us to experience “buyer’s remorse”, where we begin to wonder if we made the wrong choice!
We become so obsessed with what our spouse lacks that we see them as a burden, not a blessing. This distorts the truth because our spouse is, in reality, one of God’s most obvious blessings in our life.
Sure, they are not perfect, but we need to realize that no one is. Not even us!
Discontentment eats away at our marriage by making us take our spouse for granted.
Once we begin to take something for granted, it starts losing its value to us. When we don’t place a high value on our spouse, we won’t prioritize them.
And at the end of the day, what we don’t prioritize will eventually not be around for very long.
Marriage Killer #2: Hopelessness
When I ran track in Highschool I preferred the sprints. I was good at them, regularly finishing in the top spots, and they were over quickly!
At one of my first competitions, my coach asked me to run the two-mile event so he could see how I did. For those who may not be familiar with the race, that’s eight laps around the track.
When I lined up to start, I saw the incredible distance I had to go and it seemed impossible to me. After three laps I saw how far others were ahead of me and determined there was no way I could even compete.
I became hopeless and gave up trying. I ended up finishing dead last and was happily never asked to run the two-mile again.
When we’re running the race of marriage, it’s tempting to evaluate how we are doing based on other couples who are much further along. Doing this can make it seem impossible to close the distance and cause us to lose hope.
Hopelessness eats away at our desire to grow by telling us we will never be like those further ahead of us. This is so dangerous because hopelessness can crush the unique thing God wants to do in your marriage. He is writing a specific love story through your marriage and it will look different than others!
When we compare our marriage to others who are living their unique story, it’s easy to understand why it can seem impossible to reach. We’re trying to live a life that’s not ours!
It’s like me, a sprinter by design, trying to compete with long-distance runners at a race they’re uniquely gifted for.
Marriage Killer #3: Jealousy
I know you’re probably more spiritual than me and don’t deal with this, but I sometimes get annoyed when people are doing better than I am. If we’re honest, jealousy is the root of that annoyance. I have to constantly remind myself of what it says in Proverbs,
A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. ~ Proverbs 14:30
Comparison releases the toxin of jealousy into our marriage by making us covet what others have. We begin to believe that their blessings are somehow a withdraw from our account.
Jealousy wants us to feel robbed and to believe that their happiness came at a cost to us. It pushes us away from people that are experiencing a successful, happy marriage when we aren’t.
This isolation is dangerous because we’re not designed to live life alone and neither is our marriage.
In fact, it desperately needs community. We are lifted up and encouraged by our community, but jealousy will cause us to avoid it at all costs.
We all need couples that are further down the road than us. They are a huge blessing because they can share wisdom, advice, and a learned ear. Being jealous of them does nothing but rob our marriage of all the amazing benefits that come from walking in community with them
Protect Your Marriage From The Comparison Trap
We love our spouse well when we diligently protect our heart from the trap of comparison. Doing this shields our covenant from the marriage-killing toxins of discontentment, hopelessness, and jealousy.
Our marriage is designed to be a place of fulfillment, not frustration. Refusing to engage in the comparison trap is key to experiencing it’s intended design.
Are you willing to do the work?
I want to leave you with one last bit of encouragement: Your spouse is more than enough for you. No one can compare to them and your marriage isn’t supposed to be compared to other marriages.
Instead, we should aim to do what Paul says in Corinthians,
Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ. ~ 1 Corinthians 11:1
The only comparison we should be making is, “Am I loving my spouse like Christ?” Make his love the standard for your marriage and I believe your marriage will blossom. It will grow into something beautiful and uniquely yours.