Proximity Vs. Intimacy: How Loneliness Enters Your Marriage
Proximity Vs. Intimacy: How Loneliness Enters Your Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
If there’s one thing that breaks my heart more than someone experiencing loneliness while single, it’s a person experiencing loneliness while married.
Unfortunately, loneliness is not uncommon in today’s marriages. And for many, it can be confusing why they feel this way.
How is it possible that we can be operating within a close, personal relationship like marriage and still feel lonely?
Just the other day, I was getting coffee with a friend of mine who was telling me about how he was struggling with this in his marriage. He and his wife lived in the same house, slept in the same bed, and were in the same room a lot. But he still felt lonely.
Loneliness like this breaks my heart because I know it’s not God’s design for marriage. In fact, I believe it’s the total opposite of what God has intended.
Marriage was designed for us to become one with our spouse. To be so close together that we are one in body, mind, and soul. We see this design clearly laid out when God created the first union between man and woman in Genesis,
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” ~Genesis 2:24
If this is how marriage is supposed to look, then why do so many people, like my friend, feel lonely in their marriage?
Proximity Vs. Intimacy
A few nights ago, Amanda and I were sitting on the couch and I realized something. We had been in the same room for about 30-45 minutes and neither of us had said a word to each other. We were both on our phone and just vegging out because it had been a pretty hectic day.
Even though we were in the same room, we might as well have been a thousand miles away from each other. This was out of the norm for us because we were both pretty exhausted, but it helped me understand something really important.
There’s a big difference between being physically close to someone (proximity) and being one with them in body, mind, and soul (intimacy).
You see, our souls were created to desire oneness with another, not simply sitting next to them on the couch. We yearn to be fully known and marriage is the main vehicle that God created for us to experience this.
When this oneness isn’t experienced within marriage, our need for intimate connection isn’t being met, and it creates a feeling of loneliness.
You may be feeling this way right now in your marriage. You may feel alone and like you aren’t connecting with your spouse. If so, my heart breaks for you. My hope is that you would know God’s intention is for you to experience a marriage where you are one with your spouse.
Believe that, hold on to it with faith, and do not give up on it.
What I want to do is peel back the layers and expose a few things that keep us from experiencing the oneness our souls desire and eventually leave us feeling lonely.
Keeping Secrets From Each Other
Other than marriage, there is no other earthly relationship where we are able to be fully vulnerable and open, and at the same time fully loved. This idea of being fully known and fully loved is the cornerstone of intimacy.
However, experiencing this in our marriage requires that we make the effort to allow our spouse to fully know us.
We have to think of intimacy in this way… Intimacy = In.To.Me.See.
You see, true intimacy begins when our spouse is able to see into all of us. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s developed when we share our ups, downs, victories, and defeats.
But this only happens when we allow our spouse access and say, “Here is all of me.” This is why keeping secrets is so damaging to oneness in your marriage.
When we keep secret, we’re essentially closing off a part of our life and saying, “you are not allowed into here.” We hide parts of ourselves in the dark.
There are many reasons we may do this in our marriage… Pride. Fear. Past Hurts. What you are feeling is legitimate and I understand how terrifying it is to share something you’ve kept secret. I’ve been there.
What scares me more, though, is feeling like a part of me will forever be in the shadows. Feeling like Amanda will never know “the true me”.
Our secrets, no matter how small they may seem, sabotage any change of authentic connection with our spouse. They cap the level of intimacy we are able to experience with our spouse.
It’s a tragedy when a spouse doesn’t feel known in a marriage. Many times, though, it’s a self-inflicted tragedy that’s sustained through secrets they refuse to share.
Letting Your Friendship Grow Stale
A strong friendship with our spouse fuels critical areas like sex and intimacy. Without it, our marriage is likely to enter a rut like Wendy Walsh explains,
“Sometimes marriages fall into an autopilot pattern,” explains Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of The 30-Day Love Detox. “Partners no longer court each other or exchange the care that they did in the early days and they become more concerned with selfish interests.”
I once heard a story of a wife that desired to connect with her husband and so she cooked a really nice dinner, cleaned up the house, lit candles, and got all dolled up in a dress. She eagerly waited for him to come home to that they could enjoy a night together.
When he got home, he simply walked in, kissed her on the cheek and asked when dinner would be ready as he turned the television. He was on autopilot and completely missed that his wife desperately wanted to connect with him.
When one or both spouses check out and go on “auto-pilot” it can be an open door for loneliness to enter. Pursuit stops and everything becomes superficial or routine.
Not Growing Together
“A couple begins to grow apart the moment they stop growing together.” ~Ryan Frederick
I love this quote from Ryan Frederick over at Fierce Marriage because it points out a very true principle within marriage.
Your marriage was not designed to be stagnant or experienced separately.
So much of marriage is learning how to move forward as one. Working together to grow past the hurts, struggles, and frustrations this life throws at us. However, doing this takes intentional focus.
It’s easy to believe that we will naturally move towards health and oneness the longer we are together. In fact, the truth is quite the opposite. It’s more natural for us to move towards unhealthiness and division.
Spouses who are intimate intentionally share their journey and help each other grow closer to God. They have goals they are working towards and are supporting each other through the fear and disappointment.
Regular time in God’s word and presence is prioritized and they consistently lift each other up in prayer. They are one powerful force advancing in-step together.
If we aren’t intentional to grow our marriage together, we will wake up one day and find that we have indeed grown, but in different directions.
Don’t Let Proximity Deceive You
My friend, feeling lonely in your marriage is a warning sign that there may be a lack of intimacy happening. Don’t be deceived thinking that everything is okay just because you are near each other regularly
If you are feeling lonely in your marriage, I pray that this has helped to shed some light on what may be going on.
I want to encourage you to continue fighting to reclaim intimacy with your spouse and stepping into the oneness God has designed for your marriage. I believe that God will give you the strength, peace, and wisdom needed to bring it to fulfillment.
Marriage is designed to be a beautiful experience where we are united with our spouse in all ways. My hope for us is that we would be so close with our spouse that loneliness would have no place in our marriage.