Having An Attitude of Gratitude In Our Marriage
Having An Attitude Of Gratitude In Our Marriage
By Bradley
Our spouses are the biggest blessings in our lives. Yet it can be so easy to take them and what they bring into our lives for granted. The moment we do this is a dangerous one.
It’s so easy to simply focus on the negative. It’s human. You get to see everything about someone when you are married.
The good and the bad.
But what we focus on is up to us. We have a choice about what we allow ourselves to dwell on.
I want to propose a simple thing.
Let’s choose to live in an attitude of gratitude for our spouses. The moments I feel closet to Amanda are when I am focused on being thankful for her.
This can be hard to do.
Maybe your spouse constantly frustrates you or is hard to get along with. Maybe you are reading this and all you can think about is the things your spouse isn’t doing right. Or the ways they bring frustration into your life.
I’ve been there. I’ve had times when I’ve been frustrated at Amanda. But here is what I’ve found out.
I’m usually frustrated because I’m choosing to focus on the wrong things.
In those moments I’m choosing to live in an attitude of frustration. When I choose to focus on the other side of the equation, on being thankful, I feel the frustration leave and I’m able to love Amanda in greater ways.
Living from an attitude of gratitude in our marriage allows us to pursue our spouses correctly and see them for the blessings they truly are.
Living From Gratitude Isn’t Our Natural State
Let’s try and agree on one thing as true. Our spouses are a blessing. Can we agree on that? You might be in a little “tizzy” with them right now, but let’s assume they are a blessing.
So… if this is true, then why’s it so easy for us to take them for granted? To get easily frustrated with them and only see the bad things?
The short answer is… it’s natural.
When deciding to live in an attitude of gratitude, there are two biological systems at work against you.
The first one is our brain’s “Negativity Bias”. Research has shown that we tend to find, remember, and dwell on negative situations and actions much more than positive ones.
This is why everything on the news is negative, and why political campaigns are always negative smear campaigns.
In our marriages, this is why we remember the fact that our spouse didn’t put the toilet seat down again (sorry Amanda) and forget the other small nice things they did that day.
It’s what our brain is naturally designed to notice and focus on. While this is great for keeping you alive, it’s terrible when you are trying to have a loving marriage where you are thankful for your spouse.
The second system is something called the “hedonic set point”. Simply, this theory states that we adapt to change and begin to receive less happiness from things that once brought us great joy. The longer we are exposed to something, the more we take it for granted.
In our marriages this plays against us because we essentially “get used” to our spouses. We start our marriage and everything is “new” and exciting. But then things get stale. We used to love how they did something, but now we hardly even realize it.
With both of these factors, it makes sense why we slip into these moments of frustration with our spouse. But that doesn’t mean it’s the way things have to be.
The Benefits of Living From Gratitude
Living from gratitude is hard, it’s not our natural way of thinking, but it can bring some amazing benefits into your marriage.
One of the best benefits we’ve experienced is the contentment that comes from living in gratitude for each other. Our world is constantly telling us we need to upgrade. Whether it’s our phone, our tv, our computer, our car. We are told that what we have isn’t enough, that we need more.
This creates discontentment and if allowed into our marriage can cause friction. Feeling like you need to “upgrade” your spouse happens when we aren’t living from gratitude.
You can’t grow a healthy marriage while discontent, only destroy one. In order to build the unity required for an Us Marriage, we must grow from a place of contentment.
When we decide to focus on being grateful for our spouse and the amazing things they bring to our lives, the discontentment disappears. We understand that our spouse is a unique person that brings so many blessings into our lives.
It’s living life by saying “look at all the things my spouse brings into my life” instead of “look at all the things my spouse is lacking.”
It’s not a surprise that people with an attitude of gratitude report having deeper relationships. These people also report feeling more abundant, happy, and more loving.
Moving Into An Attitude of Gratitude
Building an attitude of gratitude in our marriage requires intentionality and consistency. We are naturally designed to find what’s wrong and we have to “rewire” ourselves to look for the things we are grateful for.
Here’s what I do each day to facilitate an attitude of gratitude in our marriage.
Step 1: Be Intentional To Find 3 Good Things
You must train your brain to identify the good things in your life. This may be hard at the start, especially if you are used to being negative. As you continue this habit, you will begin to notice more and more things you are grateful for.
Step 2: Write Your Good Things Down
Even if you don’t journal, this can be a very effective thing to do. Writing down things about your spouse that you are thankful for allows you to see all the amazing things they do regularly. If you are ever frustrated by them, a quick look at this list will help you regain the correct perspective.
Step 3: Share One Thing With Your Spouse Daily
This last part forces us to verbalize the gratitude we are feeling. When is the last time you ever told your spouse that you’re thankful for them? It’s far more common for us to verbalize our frustrations than something we are thankful for. You see, for some reason, we believe that we shouldn’t tell our spouse things that we are thankful for.
Flip that script and begin letting them know regularly what you appreciate about them.
Telling our spouse why we are thankful for them lifts them up. Encouraging our spouse helps them grow into the amazing person they are.
The key to all of this is intentionality and consistency. Doing this each day will lead your marriage into an attitude of gratitude.
Conclusion
We’ve each been blessed with one of the most amazing gifts on this planet, a covenant partner that loves us more than anyone else.
Being grateful for them isn’t something that should happen once a year during the holidays. It’s a state of living we should exist in on a daily basis. Living in this state allows us to see the blessing our spouses truly are.
We must deny our natural tendencies to look at only the negative and choose to be thankful for the ways they love us and serve us.
Learning to be thankful for that and not take it for granted will propel your marriage toward the unity needed to create an Us Marriage.
Commit to focusing on being thankful every day. Decide to live in a grateful, beautiful state today.
~Bradley
What’s One Thing About Your Spouse You Are Thankful For?