Conflict In Marriage Isn’t Bad. How “I Statements” Change The Game.
Conflict In Marriage Doesn’t Have To Be Bad. Here’s How “I Statements” Change The Game.
By Amanda Bennett
Conflict is inevitable in marriage. It can come from small things like a disagreement while deciding what restaurant you want to eat at or something more serious like setting your budget. No matter the cause, conflict in marriage is something we all have to deal with.
If you tend to avoid conflict (like me!) then this may terrify you. For a long time, I would try my best to prevent conflict by any means necessary. Whenever I would sense oncoming conflict I would try things like stonewalling the conversation or ignoring the situation.
I did this because I thought conflict was bad for our marriage.
However, I have that it’s not the conflict that is bad for our marriage, it’s actually the way we react to it. Conflict is actually a very healthy thing but our reactions usually aren’t.
The biggest part of our reactions is usually our words. They have so much power and are often more important than what we do. When it comes to conflict, reacting well with our words is pivotal. It’s not easy, but it can make all the difference.
One thing that has been helping me react well with my words during conflict is using something called, “I Statements.”
What Are I Statements?
“I statements” are a way of formulating your thoughts and your feelings during conflict so you are only speaking for yourself by beginning every statement with “I”. “I statements” force you to talk about what you are feeling or what you have done.
This has been important for me because I’ve found my natural move during conflict is to begin playing the blame game and saying a lot of “you statements.” These are things like:
- You are always so rude
- You don’t care how I feel
- You did this because you are angry
“You statements” like this come off as if you are attacking your spouse and don’t help navigate the conflict in a healthy way. They just add fuel to the fire.
Instead of pointing the finger and putting blame on your spouse, “I statements” help us take a step back and evaluate how we are feeling and why we are feeling that way. Feeling angry or mad at your spouse’s actions isn’t a bad thing. However, those feelings need to be communicated in a healthy and loving way.
How To Use "I Statements"
You start your statement off by saying ‘I feel…’ and then fill in the blank on how you are feeling. This allows you to calmly express your emotions while not playing the blame game.
It allows you to take ownership of your feelings and your reactions and allows your spouse a chance to also see how their actions have affected you. It is important when you use I statements that you are specific in your feelings. The more specific you are the more insight you give.
It is also important not to use “I statements” that are spun into ‘you statements”. You can’t say “I notice that you don’t care at all.’ This statement is still putting blame on your spouse and may still result in a confrontational argument. Instead, you can say ‘When I feel like you are not listening to me I feel ignored and not important.’
This type of statement still addresses the problem but it allows your spouse to see the root of your feelings and how their actions are affecting you. It puts things into perspective and allows for open and honest communication without the strain of pointing the finger.
I statements should be used daily and not only with conflict. You can compliment your spouse with these statements, as well as use it to grow to a deeper level.
Why Use "I statements"?
“I statements” can be very powerful in your marriage that can help build your connection with each other as well as strengthen your intimate and vulnerable side of the relationship.
When you speak from your heart and truly express how you are feeling to your spouse you are keeping your walls down and ultimately strengthening your relationship. You let your spouse into a space of your heart where they are able to understand and learn more about who you are as a person.
When you use “I statements” you keep the transparency in your marriage and it allows you to continue to grow together. When you let your spouse inside your heart and your mind you allow them to speak life and encourage you through any and every situation.
You are also able to use this to see how you react to situations. It is a personal growth point to use “I statements”. It allows you to take a step back and rationally think through different things. When you stop saying ‘You did this…’ to someone and start evaluating how things make you feel you start to speak from a place of love instead of a place or rage.
Begin To Engage In Healthy Conflict
Navigating conflict can be tough. It takes time to learn how to do well but it can transform how you communicate with your spouse. Once you learn how to do it, you will be able to talk through disagreements in a healthy way that will move you forward.
It all starts with learning to react well with your words, though. The next time you are in conflict and want to start throwing out “you statements”, take a step back and try to only use “I statements.” Choose to react well and share how you feel so your conflict can bring you closer together, not further apart.
Do this enough times and you may come to the same conclusion I did… that conflict isn’t the big bad monster you thought it was after all.