Supporting Your Spouse Through Hard Times (Part 1, Your Words)
Supporting Your Spouse Through Hard Times (Part 1, Your Words)
By Bradley and Amanda Bennett
A few weeks ago I was at a point where I felt helpless and to be honest… pretty useless.
Amanda was going through a tough situation at work (which she didn’t cause) and I couldn’t fix it for her. When things go wrong my natural reaction is to go in and be the fixer, but I couldn’t do that in this situation. She had to fight her own battle at work and it left me feeling useless.
This left me wondering… If I couldn’t make it all better, then what could I do to help her in this tough season? What was the appropriate reaction for me, as her spouse, that let me love her well and still allow her to fight her own battles?
I had to wrestle with these questions for a while because I was truly at a loss. But through this season, I’ve come to realize that I’m not useless or helpless in these situations. As her husband, I’m actually in a divine position to give her the strength and support she needs to thrive when hard times come.
Your Marriage Is A Divine Partnership
If there is one certainty in this world, it’s that hard times are going to come. In scripture, we’re actually taught to not be surprised when they do.
“Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you.” ~1 Peter 4:12
One of the most beautiful things about marriage is that we are not alone when these hard times come. We have a divine partnership that gives us the support we need to not simply survive these trials, but to conquer them!
“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.” ~Ecclesiastes 4:12a
I love the imagery of this verse. In marriage, we get to stand back-to-back with our spouse and fight as a team against anything that tries to come against us.
What I’m having to learn in this current season is how to support Amanda and stand back-to-back with her as she fights. Stepping into this God-ordained position as her spouse allows me to give her the strength and security she needs to fight like the woman of God she is.
I’m finding this to be one of my greatest callings as her husband.
Over the next few weeks, Amanda and I want to share with you the journey we’re going through as we learn to fight back-to-back and support each other.
In this post, we’re going to look at one of the most effective tools we have, our words.
The Power Of Your Words
Of all the ways you can support and encourage your spouse, your words are often the most effective. With the right word, spoken in love, you can give them life when they are at their lowest.
Due to your covenant, you have special access to your spouse’s heart and your words carry more weight than anyone else’s. This special access provides you with the opportunity to love them as no one else can.
I pray that you use this power to lift them up.
You see, I’m able to use my words to love Amanda in such a way that she feels loved, encouraged, and filled up to win whatever battle she has to fight outside our marriage.
Here are a few practical ways I’ve been learning to do this with my words.
Use Active Listening
One of the most supportive things we can do with our words is to actually use them less, and instead, simply listen.
When your spouse is going through a hard time you can show them big love by just being willing to listen and understand. Often, they simply desire to feel heard and validated.
The best way I’ve learned to do this with Amanda is by using a simple communication tool called Active Listening. This skill has transformed how we communicate and how we support each other during hard times.
I’ve found that most of the time she just needs to process through how her feelings and desires for me to understand them, too. Using this skill helps me put away all distractions, focus in on her, and truly understand what she is trying to convey.
Do I always feel like listening? No.
But choosing to serve her by actively engage when she needs me has gone a long way towards helping her feel loved and supported.
Praise Them In Public
We should be our spouse’s biggest encourager, not their biggest critic.
Choosing to brag about your spouse in public can bring some serious encouragement to them. One of my favorite things to do is brag about how amazing Amanda is as a teacher. I just get so proud when she does something well that I become like a dad who’s kid just scored the game winning shot!
Whenever I hear about an award or compliment that she got I can’t help but tell everyone I talk with. I just want others to know how awesome she is.
When your spouse is going through a tough time, it’s easy for them to get down on themselves and forget just how amazing they are.
By pointing them out in public and bragging about them, you are able to give them a quick shot of encouragement. They get to see that you believe in them and are proud of who they are.
Find ways to sincerely praise them in public. Point out the truly great things they do and give them encouragement.
Affirm Them In Private
Throwing out praise in public is great for a quick pick me up, but you can take things to the next level by consistently affirming your spouse in private.
Hard times can put all of us in a pretty vulnerable state. It’s easy for lies to enter our mind during these seasons and begin wreaking havoc. Before long, these lies can leave us feeling like we’re not good enough or like we are a failure.
When your spouse is experiencing this, you get to combat those lies by speaking the truth into their life and believing in them even when they don’t. You get the opportunity to remind them that their circumstances don’t define them.
Affirming your spouse means to call out what you see in them. When you do it consistently, with love, you leave no room for the lies to take ground.
Here are some easy, yet meaningful, ways to consistently affirm your spouse in private:
- Write them a note
- Send them a text
- Give them a gift
- Explain to them what you see
Put Away Unsolicited Criticism And Solutions
There are two things we should immediately drop when our spouse is going through a hard time…
- unsolicited solutions
- and criticism
This has been incredibly challenging for me because like I said earlier… I’m a fixer.
I like to bring solutions to things and figure out the best way to solve a problem. Unfortunately, this is often the last thing Amanda needs during a hard time.
I’ve also found out that she also doesn’t need me to tell her how she is doing something incorrectly. It’s become clear that criticism is often best left at the door unless it’s specifically asked for. And even when it is, I need to be incredibly precise and loving in how I deliver it.
You see, we have to let our spouse fight their own battles and make their own mistakes. We can help guide them if they ask for it, but our main responsibility is to love them unconditionally through it.
When you offer solutions, you are not letting them fight their battles. You are, in fact, taking away an opportunity for God to move in their life and bring growth.
Doing this is difficult, but we have to believe that our spouse is capable of figuring out what to do and trust that God will give them wisdom in everything.
Always Love, Always Support With Your Words
As we’ve mentioned, hard times are well… hard.
When our spouse is going through one of these seasons it’s easy to focus on the negative, but I want to encourage you to also see the possibilities. The difficulty of the season brings with it an equal opportunity to show greater love to our spouse.
When things get difficult, it gives you the opportunity to lovingly support your spouse in ways you couldn’t otherwise. It sets the stage for love to win and grow within your marriage.
When your spouse is going through a hard time, your words can be one of the greatest tools you have to love and support them through it. With your words, you are able to speak life into them, remind them of who they truly are, and give them the strength they need to fight their own battles and ultimately win.