3 Ground Rules For Serving That Will Transform Your Marriage
3 Ground Rules For Serving That Will Transform Your Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
The other day I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life.
Would I get off the warm, comfy couch and go exercise, or would I stay and watch one more episode of The Office?
This may not sound like an epic struggle, but I promise the couch had a magnetic pull. It had been a long day and I wanted nothing more than to relax. In order to leave I had to do a quick “1-2-3… go” maneuver and push myself out the door.
It was an important struggle because my health depends on choosing to exercise even when I don’t want to.
Honestly, I enjoy exercising most of the time, but it’s difficult to do consistently. Sometimes things come up and it becomes inconvenient. Even the most devoted runners will have days where it’s not easy to begin.
You probably understand the feeling… The tension between knowing you need to exercise and the inconvenience it brings. It’s hard.
So What Does This Have To Do With Marriage?
I find myself experiencing a similar tension when it comes to serving Amanda. I know it’s important for the health of our marriage, but it’s hard to do consistently.
But if we only serve when it’s convenient, we aren’t really serving at all. And just like with exercising, inconsistency can cause “health problems” in our marriage.
Some of these include:
- A lower sense of connectedness
- Your sex life diminishes or becomes non-existent
- You feel indifferent toward each other
- Pursuit stops
Most couples have dealt with a few of these issues in their marriage. The thing is, they’re usually symptoms of the larger underlying problem; a lack of consistent serving.
Serving Our Spouse Well
It amazes me how selfish I can be at times. When it comes to serving Amanda, there are moments (too many for me to be proud of) where I choose the easy thing over the loving thing. I deny her to serve myself.
Even though it’s hard, serving our spouse is one of the greatest callings we have in our life. Love abounds in a marriage when both spouses accept that call and prioritize serving one another above their feelings.
Transforming how we serve in marriage doesn’t happen overnight, though, just like we can’t wake up one day and run a marathon. It’s a daily process of transformation. Even though it’s hard, I urge you to do the difficult, but worthwhile, work of denying yourself and serving your spouse well.
To begin doing this requires some ground rules, here are three:
Serving Ground Rule #1: Show Up Daily
I find it so easy to “take a day off” when it comes to serving Amanda. Especially when I’m tired or feel like I’m the one giving more. Why should I continue to serve at a high level if she isn’t doing the same?
Showing up to serve daily requires us to take the focus off our spouse’s actions and, instead, put it onto our commitment.
You see, our decision to serve them shouldn’t be dependant on their actions but on our commitment. Marriage is a covenant partnership where we commit to giving 100% no matter what.
No one shows this lifestyle more than Jesus in how he served us with his life. I want to look at two key scriptures:
“Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” ~Matthew 20:28
Jesus’ focus wasn’t whether or not we served him. He was focused on his commitment to serve us and following through on it. This next verse shines even more light.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” ~ Romans 5:8
Even though we were at our worst, still sinners, he still showed up and served. His service wasn’t dependant on whether we held up our end of the bargain. He showed up and loved.
If we want to serve our spouse like Christ, then it starts by showing up daily no matter what.
Serving Ground Rule #2: Serve With An Attitude of Gratitude
It’s so easy to focus on our spouse’s negatives. But this focus rarely helps us take our marriage to the next level. If we’re not careful, it can cause us to become bitter and entitled.
Entitlement is nothing but poison to our marriage. It eats away at our perception until we begin to take the biggest blessing in our life, our spouse, for granted. It’s impossible to have a culture of service if a sense of entitlement is present.
The antidote against entitlement is maintaining an attitude of gratitude.
I’ve found I look for ways to serve Amanda when I choose to focus on why I’m grateful for her. Why wouldn’t I want to serve someone who’s bringing all these amazing things into my life?
When we fix our focus away from the negative and onto the good things about our spouse, it creates thankfulness inside of us. This state makes serving each other a joy and a way to say “thank you” for all they do.
Note: There will be times when you won’t feel like serving your spouse. Hence ground rule #1, but seeking to maintain an attitude of gratitude will limit how long that lasts.
Serving Ground Rule #3: Understand Their Needs
Serving our spouse consistently is important, but it’s vital we do it in a way they understand! We’re not really serving them well if we’re doing things they don’t care about.
It’s possible for us to do tons of things believing we’re serving our spouse and have them only notice a few of them. This doesn’t make them jerks, it’s simply how they are wired. Different people values and need different things. If we continue serving in a way they don’t value then we are spinning our wheels.
In this case, perception is the reality.
Due to our limited energy, the aim should be to get the biggest bang for our buck. We can do this by identifying our spouse’s core needs and finding ways to meet them. This will help you serve them well AND not go crazy while doing it.
You can read more about how to identify yours and your partner’s needs in an earlier post we’ve written here.
Back To My Run...
I would have given anything to lie on the couch instead of exercising. Sure, I could have probably put if off and nothing would have happened that day.
But doing something when “I don’t feel like it” is when it matters the most. Denying myself so that I can focus on what’s really important.
This commitment to exercise is crucial to a healthy life, just like serving is crucial to a healthy marriage.
Especially when serving is hard to do. That’s when it has the most impact.
Learn to serve your spouse well. Commit to having a healthy marriage where serving is the norm, not the exception. Once you do, it will get easier and become another way you can show your love.
The result? A healthy, grateful, loving, and unselfish marriage that, with God’s grace, will be a source of life for you both for the remainder of your days.