Gospel Series Q&R (Question & Response)
Gospel Series Q&R (Question & Response)
By Bradley Bennett
This is a Q&R article where we respond to questions we’ve received while writing this series. We do these Q&R articles (which stands for question and response) because we have found that people have many questions specific to their situation and we wanted to share a response that may encourage and help.
While we certainly do NOT have all the answers, our hope is to at least respond to some of the big questions we’ve gotten with biblical encouragement and hope.
If you have questions as you read future articles, you can always leave any questions you have in the comments on the articles, reach out to us through social media, or send any questions you have to us at theusequation@gmail.com.
We pray this blesses and encourages you as you pursue biblical oneness in your marriage!
So, without further ado, here is question one:
Question 1: Is The Gospel Still Relevant For My Marriage If My Spouse Doesn’t Follow or Care About Jesus? (Gospel & Marriage)
Hi there – first off, I want to acknowledge just how difficult this situation is! We have people reach out to us all the time for prayer because they desire to follow God and experience biblical oneness in their marriage, but their spouse is either apathetic or averse to it.
If that’s you, then I believe that not only is the gospel relevant, but vital to your marriage. You see, the gospel isn’t only good news for married couples. It’s good news for every person in the midst of every situation, including yours.
The apostles Peter and Paul spend some time in their letters addressing spouses experiencing situations similar to you. I want to share their encouragement with you…
Peter 3:1-2 (CSB) In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live, when they observe your pure, reverent lives.
1 Corinthians 7:13 & 16 (CSB) 13 Also, if any woman has an unbelieving husband and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce her husband…
16 Wife, for all you know, you might save your husband. Husband, for all you know, you might save your wife.
We can see in these pieces of scripture that the apostles saw the gospel as incredibly relevant in marriages where one spouse follows Jesus, but the other doesn’t.
Why?
Because if you are in this situation, then you have the opportunity to be like Christ to your spouse in a way that no other human has the ability to.
Through your love, service, and pure life you may actually be able to share the good news in a way that opens their eyes.
Now, I am not saying this is easy in any way. And in many ways, it is unfair that you are having to lay aside your hopes for biblical oneness (hopefully temporarily!) because your spouse may not be interested in it.
The gospel is still good news for you, though. Jesus is still the same and He is still all that you need. In Him, you have the oneness that you truly desire. Seek to live in the power of the gospel personally, seek oneness with Christ, and allow that to transform how you operate in your marriage, even in the midst of this hard circumstance.
And continually pray that God would move in the heart of your spouse to reveal the good news to them.
Question 2: Our Marriage Is Hard… Is That A Sign That We Shouldn’t Stay Married? (Renewing & Refining)
Thanks for the question and for letting us speak into your situation.
Our short answer to your question is… no!
Every marriage is hard and has moments where it feels like things are not working. Amanda and I would be the first to admit that!
But we can’t use these hard times or difficulties as a sign that we shouldn’t remain married.
Why? Because marriage is a beautifully unique relationship that is incredibly difficult in many ways. Amanda and I were once talking with a marriage coach who said marriage is spelled with 4 letters, “W O R K”.
Marriage is a relationship that you have to work at. Why? Because every marriage is a union that consists of 2 imperfect people. And unlike what Disney would have you believe, that’s not a recipe for a cakewalk for a life. Making a marriage work is hard work!
Scripture helps us understand this reality:
Romans 3:10-12: “There is no righteous person, not even one; 11 There is no one who understands, There is no one who seeks out God; 12 They have all turned aside, together they have become [i]corrupt; There is no one who does good, There is not even one.”
Scripture makes it pretty clear that there is no perfect person. We’ve all turned aside and followed our sinful hearts.
Colossians 3:13 helps us see what our response to this is supposed to be as followers of Jesus who are in relationship with each other…
Colossians 3:13: “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. → We are called to work through and “bear” these imperfections with love.”
Marriage is a unique relationship in that it is guaranteed to be hard. Why? Because you are promising to bear with love an imperfect human for your whole life… and they are promising to do the same to you!
Marriage is unique because we choose to work through our imperfections together as we seek to operate in oneness as Christ has shown us. And that’s not easy at all.
In fact, if your marriage isn’t “hard” at times, then it might actually be a sign of being unhealthy.
You never want to manufacture hardship in your relationship, but growing and pursuing oneness together will naturally lead to conflict at times, and when handled well, conflict can be an incredibly healthy thing.
So, I want to give you hope. Things may be hard now, but it’s not a sign that you should throw in the towel. It’s actually a sign that God has room to do something wonderful in your relationship as he grows and unites you.
If you are married, and you’re both committed to your union, then choose to bear with one another in love. Reaffirm to one another that you’re not going anywhere and seek out healthy ways of working through your hardship and conflict together.
This will lead to amazing fruit in the future for your relationship. Don’t give up!
Question 3: Is It Wrong To Want To “Fix” My Spouse?
Thanks for your question (and really MANY questions!) on this one. During this series, we posted a quote on Instagram along with our article on “Perfect Grace” that stirred up a lot of conversation.
And so, let’s talk through it!
Is it wrong to try and fix your spouse? To us, it all depends on what you mean by “fix”. Overall, the biblical vision for marriage is one of mutual submission to Christ and a commitment to overcome things that separate us. And so, if that’s your goal, then that’s beautiful!
There’s nothing wrong at all with desiring to serve and support your spouse as you are both growing. That’s a wonderful blessing in marriage.
Proverbs 27:17 shares that “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another”.
And this should be happening in your marriage. You should be sharpening each other and encouraging one another to grow.
Often, though, that’s not what “fixing” our spouse looks like. Often, it looks like trying to force our spouse to change in one or more specific ways before we can be satisfied with them.
Most of the time, this isn’t something our spouse is on board with. And so our “fixing” is really us forcing our expectations for them onto them.
Our sharpening of one another should flow from a position of mutual submission and desire to image Christ together. Not from a unilateral decision that one spouse is forcing upon another.
At the end of the day, you can’t force your spouse to change. And as my dad told me growing up, forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do is like poking a bear. It only has one possible ending.
When we try to force our spouse to change we often go try to do it from a place of bitterness. So we demean them with our words, we lash out/withhold, or we disparage them in front of others. None of these things are healthy and will only bring pain, frustration, and brokenness into your marriage.
Does this mean that we can’t be frustrated or tell our spouse about things we’d like to see changed? No! We should do that, but how will we go about doing it?
In our eyes, it may seem best to try and “fix” them through manipulation. The way of Christ though is to love and serve them and allow God to transform/soften their hearts.
As a quick side note – this in no way is condoning or even suggesting that you should allow abuse to happen. If you are a victim of abuse, or your spouse is being abusive, then you shouldn’t seek to “fix” them by sticking around.
Seek safety, report what is going on, and create the appropriate boundaries for healing to take place.
Question 4: How do I forgive my spouse when they have hurt me badly?
We got this question from many of you when we released our article on the freedom of forgiveness. We touched on it a bit in our article, but it may be helpful to flesh it out more here.
First, we grieve for any who have been hurt badly in your marriage by sin. Whether that is adultery, abuse, or some other act that was done to you. That is not what God desires for you and He is still good and desires to comfort you and help you heal.
And a crucial part of that healing is the freedom that comes from dispensing forgiveness.
We are called to freely give forgiveness to those around us just as Jesus freely forgave us. We forgive for His sake, not ours or theirs.
At its core, forgiveness is forfeiting the right to retaliate or make things even. It is dropping the offense. And this is very often more for our personal souls and commitment to following Jesus than it is for the other person.
Doing this is very different from restoring trust, though.
While forgiveness is something we are called to give freely, trust is something that should be earned by others. And this requires wisdom.
In Matthew 10:16, Jesus says this to His disciples… “Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”
As we follow Christ, there will be countless things that will require us to approach with wisdom. And trust is one of these things. And this means that in some ways or cases, trust may take a long time to be repaired, or may never be repaired. And that’s okay.
For those who may be in an abusive situation, please seek help and safety. In this answer, we are primarily talking about giving forgiveness in the face of everyday grievances we will have in marriage.
Amanda and I are not counselors and we aren’t certified to help in many severe cases, so if you are facing any kind of abuse or major hurt, seek help and safety. It may be that there is a road to reconciliation in the future and that you can regain trust, but that is no guarantee.
But while you may never be able to extend trust, you can always extend forgiveness as Christ has for you and me.
Do You Have Questions You Want To Ask? Let Us Know!
We pray that this was helpful and helped to color in the lines of this series of articles! If you ever have any questions, feel free to send us a message on social or email us at theusequation@gmail.com. We may use your question in a Q & R article in the future.