The Freedom of Forgiveness (Gospel: Part 4)
The Freedom of Forgiveness (Gospel: Part 4)
By Bradley Bennett
I have always found the story of the Trojan Horse incredibly intriguing. In this epic story, an army of Greek warriors seeks to overcome the famed city of Troy but fails at every turn. In order to finally win, they decide to do something really weird and give the City of Troy a giant wooden horse as a gift.
The defenders of Troy, believing that the Greek army had surrendered and left the horse as a sign of their defeat, brought the massive wooden horse into the city.
Little did they know it was all a trap. The Greek army had hidden within the horse and that very night, while everyone in Troy was sleeping, the warriors snuck out of the horse and conquered the city.
As I look at this story, I can’t help but think about the Trojan Horses impacting marriages every day. What are the dangerous, harmful things that we often unknowingly bring into our union that cause damage, brokenness, and bondage?
Of the many Trojan horses that face your marriage, the one Amanda and I have seen wreck the most havoc is bitterness. It is nothing but a poison that will eat away at your union and cause you to drift further from each other.
The early writer of Hebrews pastored early followers of Jesus by telling them the following…
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled. (Heb, 12:15)
The gospel, through which we obtain and operate in the grace of God, is what can empower your marriage to uproot bitterness that seeks to defile your union. Through the gospel, you can experience the marvelous freedom of forgiveness in your pursuit of oneness.
The Freedom of Forgiveness
I remember the first time I read through the book of Matthew and came to Jesus’ commands in Matthew 18:21-22…
21 Then Peter approached him and asked, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? As many as seven times?”
22 “I tell you, not as many as seven,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven.”
I remember stopping right there, pulling out my phone calculator because I’m not great at math, and thinking, “Man, 490 times? That’s a lot of forgiving!”
But what I came to realize is that the point of that passage isn’t about some magical limit of forgiving someone 490 times. Jesus is really saying that we are to freely give forgiveness and to never stop. This can seem ridiculous, but He is simply asking that we give freely what we have received freely from Him.
You see, every believer operates in constant forgiveness from God for the sake of Jesus. Our God freely forgives us and offers us His mercies anew each morning. It is this forgiveness and loving-kindness that draws us into deeper union and oneness with Him.
The freely given forgiveness of God leads to freedom within our relationship with Him and in our own lives.
And this is how Jesus calls each of us to operate with others, including our spouse. You see, God desires for your marriage to experience freedom and growing unity in your marriage. And those things come through the power of freely dispersed forgiveness.
We are called to live with a heart molded by this portion of the Lord’s Prayer…
Father, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.
Living this lifestyle of forgiveness is difficult, and I want to mention that there is a huge difference between giving forgiveness and restoring trust.
In marriage, there are daily grievances like forgetting to make the bed that we can usually forgive easily. Unfortunately, though, there are also devastating sins like adultery that are much more complicated.
In these situations, trust is broken and can take a long time to restore, if it is possible at all. This article is mainly focusing on overcoming those daily grievances so they don’t create bitterness that pushes us apart.
I want to say this though… Even in situations where trust can’t be rebuilt, we are still called to live with a heart posture of forgiveness. It doesn’t condone what has happened, but it does release its power over us. Forgiveness uproots bitterness that does nothing but poison our own hearts and causes damage.
Forgiveness is hard, it is humbling, but it is also healing. It is a gift that we can freely give because it is one that we have freely received through the gospel.
Culture’s Story: Keep Score
One of my friends recently had a small stone hit his windshield while driving. It only caused a small chip in the glass, so we didn’t think much about it. Over the next 2 months, though, that chip continued to grow until there were spiderweb cracks running through a large portion of his windshield.
Eventually, he had to replace the entire windshield. And thankfully he did! After it was replaced, one of the mechanics told him that it’s not uncommon for those cracks to get worse until the entire windshield explodes while driving!
In the same way, keeping score in our marriage can lead to small chips that can cause big damage. Things may be fine for a little while, but before long the daily, routine grievances will begin to pile up:
- He doesn’t pick up his clothes from the floor.
- She doesn’t clean up the bathroom counter.
- He spent more than he was supposed to on personal stuff this month, again.
- She stayed at work late without communicating, again.
When these things happen enough they can make us angry, which in and of itself is NOT a bad thing! How we handle that anger is the big thing.
If we leave this anger unresolved though, it will grow into bitterness towards our spouse and affect how we treat them. Often it starts as nothing big, just a sharp word here, just an eye roll there. Just a small chip in the windshield.
That small chip of bitterness though, if not uprooted, will grow into resentment towards your spouse that will create a spiderweb of cracks in your marriage.
Resentment is something that NEVER leads to greater oneness. It only ever leads to a greater distance in our relationships. In fact, one of the leading Psychologists on relationships, Dr. Gottman, refers to resentment as one of the 4 Horsemen in a marriage that predict divorce.
Thankfully, the gospel provides us with a better way to operate. It gives us a way that leads to freedom and flourishing through freely given forgiveness.
Gospel Story: Freely Forgive As You’ve Been Forgiven
In the gospel story, we see that we have been freely forgiven by our father in heaven and that we can freely give that same forgiveness to others.
Creation
In the beginning, God created the world and all that was in it, including humans. Everything was perfect without blemish or mistake. There were no daily grievances or need for forgiveness, just perfect joy, and oneness.
Fall
When Adam and Eve chose to rebel against God’s rule and reign, they welcomed sin into the world and broke the perfection of creation. They each did what seemed best to them in their own eyes, rather than trusting in God’s wisdom and ways, and it led to brokenness in their relationship with God and each other.
For the first time, there was a need for forgiveness. Humanities’ sinful ways and decisions had brought a great divide in our relationship with God. Forgiveness was needed to restore oneness and relationship with God.
But there was a problem. Our God is Holy and Just, and He could not simply forgive and look the other way because of our sin. That would be unjust and He can not dwell with sin. We deserved the punishment and consequences of turning from Him.
This same problem and tension get played out in every marriage across the world daily. We each choose to do what seems best in our own eyes rather than trust in God’s wisdom and ways. This sin causes brokenness in our relationship and forgiveness is needed to repair that brokenness and allow us to operate in oneness.
But there is a problem, how can we forgive? And more pointedly, why should we forgive?
Redemption
Thankfully, our God is also loving and merciful, so he brought a solution to our sin problem in the form of Jesus Christ. God came to earth in human form and did what we could not. He lived a perfect life and walked fully in the perfect ways that lead to life.
There was no brokenness in Jesus. He was the blemishless lamb, the son of God. He alone was able to experience union with the father as it was intended in the beginning. And because of his righteousness, Jesus was the only one who could make a way for us to receive the forgiveness of God.
On the cross, God in the form of Jesus gave Himself up as an atoning sacrifice for us. With His blood, He covered over our sins and transgressions before God.
He freely gave His life for us and purchased for us the forgiveness of God. Now, through Jesus, we may boldly approach a relationship with God knowing that through Jesus we have been welcomed in.
Our God freely forgives us because of what Jesus has done, and we are called to do the same to others.
Consummation
One day we will be renewed and made holy as our God is holy. There will be no more sin, no more breach in relationship, and no more need for forgiveness. The work of Jesus that was begun on the cross will ultimately be fulfilled as we live eternally in oneness with God and with others.
Experience the freedom of freely given forgiveness
On this side of eternity though, we choose to daily receive and trust in the forgiveness of God that is given freely for the sake of Christ. And in the light of God’s grace towards us, we are called to freely give as we have freely received. We are called to forgive others for the sake of Christ, too.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32
And through the gospel, the good news of Jesus, we are empowered to do so.
Make no mistake, bitterness is poison. It breaks apart relationships and will only lead to distance and brokenness in your marriage.
God desires more for you and your marriage. He desires that you would operate in oneness and that your union would be a picture of what it looks like to be one with Him.
The gospel is what gives us the ability to live out God’s better story and hope for our marriage. Through the gospel, we are empowered to uproot all bitterness by freely extending forgiveness to each other for the sake of Jesus.
Freely we have received, so freely let us give. Let us choose to walk in the freedom of forgiveness in our marriages.
Accepting In Love: The Battle Against Perfectionism
When Amanda and I got married, it took all of 5 seconds for Amanda to realize and remember that she married an imperfect human.
The night of our wedding we were staying in a hotel before leaving the next morning on our honeymoon. Before we left the ceremony, my ‘now-wife’ had given me one mission… To grab some leftover food for the hotel.
It had been a wonderful day, but incredibly busy and we had barely gotten to eat any food!
As you can probably guess, I failed in my simple mission. I forgot the food and we ended up having leftover cake and pop-tarts for dinner!
I am willing to bet a fair bit of money that you’ve learned you married an imperfect human, too. And if you haven’t realized this yet, I’m sorry to burst your bubble!
You see, nobody is perfect. Not even your “snuggle bug”.
And in the process of becoming one, we will constantly have to fight against requiring perfection from our spouse. They have flaws and imperfections, just like we do.
Requiring perfection from each other will just end in pain and disappointment. Perfection is a standard no one can live up to and requiring it will push you further apart, not closer together.
This is why it’s important to fight to accept one another in love. Some translations of this verse actually say, “to bear” with one another in love.
That doesn’t sound nearly as romantic, though!
Fighting perfectionism and choosing to accept one another in love covers over a lot. It fills in a lot of the potholes that can trip us up on the journey to becoming one with our spouse.
Bound In Peace: The Battle Against Worldly Divisions
I had a friend once who said a peaceful marriage is like a unicorn. It sounds cool, but it doesn’t exist.
For many, their experience in marriage is not one of peace, but division and strife.
Thankfully, this doesn’t have to be the story of your marriage. Your marriage can, and was designed to be, a bastion of peace in the midst of a world battered by division.
But how?
By having something in common that is greater than any worldly division. As Paul says in his encouragement in Ephesians, we are to be bound in peace through Christ.
Christ is the greatest unifying force and the peace we have in Him is greater than any division the world may throw at your marriage. All is level at the foot of the cross and a marriage centered around Him and His sacrifice has all that is needed to combat the divisions of the world.
Fighting For Oneness Is A Choice
Building a marriage that experiences oneness is not easy. It is not something that we naturally fall into, it’s something we make a choice to fight for together.
There may be some days you lose the fight and find yourselves operating in pride, or worldly division, or discontent. And that’s okay. It happens because we are humans and are imperfect.
But will you choose to wake up the next day and fight anew?
It’s not easy, but oneness is worth it. The fruit that it can and will produce in your marriage is worth it.
It will lead to a relationship that is far better than any Disney movie fairytale stuff. It’s real. So choose to enter the ring and fight for oneness together.