The Dark Side of Familiarity Within Marriage
The Dark Side of Familiarity Within Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
Familiarity is among the greatest of blessings that come with the covenant relationship of marriage. Through the permanence and intimacy of marriage, we are capable of being completely known by our spouse and at the same time completely loved. When fully expressed together, this loving familiarity can help bring new levels of love to your union.
Spend longer than a few months together, though, and you will quickly find that familiarity has a dark side, too. While it allows us to enter into deep levels of intimacy, it can also open the door for other things that can harm your union.
I refer to these things as the dark side of familiarity and the biggest one to be aware of is contempt.
The Danger Of Contempt
Familiarity breeds contempt. This is a widely known principle that applies directly to marriage.
There is nobody we should be more familiar with than our spouse. Through our covenant, we know all their strengths, but we also know all their flaws.
Familiarity shatters the rose-tinted glasses we wear and causes us to see the true humanity of our spouse. All their imperfections are laid before us in plain sight.
It’s easy for us to become so fixated on these things that we no longer see the true blessings our spouse brings. When this happens, we allow contempt to seep into our heart and eventually, our marriage.
Once it has settled into our heart, contempt can cause us to despise the very blessing that God has given us to treasure.
Dr. Gottman describes contempt as the strongest of the Four Horsemen of divorce. Out of all the negative behaviors we can bring into our marriage, it is the worst. Where it is present, there will be never-ending conflict and negative thoughts.
Instead of being grateful for our spouse, we will be annoyed with them. Contempt, in short, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”
This thought process, caused by contempt, is nothing short of poison.
How To Avoid The Dark Side of Familiarity
The most powerful weapon we have to protect our marriage against contempt brought on by familiarity is gratitude. We become susceptible to the poison of contempt when we allow our focus to linger more on the imperfections of our spouse than their strengths.
Continually meditating on how thankful you are for your spouse will help you keep your focus on the right things. Living with an attitude of gratitude for your spouse will point you towards the unique blessing that your spouse is in your life.
This constant vigilance of thankfulness acts as a natural repellent to contempt while also helping draw you into closer intimacy.