Fading Romance: What To Do When The Love Seems Dry
Fading Romance: What To Do When The Love Seems Dry
By Bradley Bennett
In many relationships, there comes a point where things begin to change. We settle into a routine and romance begins to take a backseat.
When this happens, we can wake up one day and find ourselves in a marriage that was once filled with passionate, romantic love that has become dry. Amanda and I have found ourselves traveling down this path many times, and it can be a confusing, discouraging place.
In these moments, it’s easy to ask questions like, “are we falling out of love?”
Amanda and I have begun calling this feeling in our marriage “fading romance”. Your love is still intact but an important part of it has begun to fade.
Even though these seasons can be discouraging, there is hope. By pinpointing the aspect of your love that is fading, you can build up a marriage that is passionate and fulfilling again. You don’t have to live with a romantic-less marriage.
One Marriage, Four Types of Love
The love that holds your marriage together is multifaceted. It is deep, complex, and made up of more than a single expression of love. In fact, most psychologists believe that it consists of four distinct types of love.
- Unconditional love
- Companionship Love
- Romantic Love
- Sexual Love
At any point in your marriage, each of these types of love is present. They can be present at different levels, though. Some may be readily present and expressed often while others are stifled and rarely expressed.
We experience a fulfilling marriage when all four types of love are fully present. When one of them is stifled, though, it can feel like something is missing.
Seasons of “Fading Romance”, where it feels like love is fading, are generally caused by the weakening of romantic love within a marriage. This is the ohhey, gooey type of love where you romance each other and show your affection readily.
This can be a startling season but is actually a common experience for many couples. According to leading psychologist Dorothy Tennov, in her book “Love and Limerance: The Experience of Being In Love”, romantic love begins to wane 2-3 years into a marriage for most couples.
While it may be common to experience a dip, Amanda and I have found several things that have helped us spark romantic love back into our relationship when it seems to be fading.
Talk About It
The first, and best, thing you can do is be open with your spouse about how you are feeling. Keeping it bottled up will simply make it feel like you and your spouse are not on the same page.
By opening up the conversation, you allow your spouse the opportunity to share if they feel the same way. This allows you to be on the same page and begin working towards rebuilding the romantic love within your marriage. Doing this requires buy-in from both of you.
Don’t Rely Only On Sex As A Solution
When it feels like something is wrong, it can be easy to overcompensate by relying on sex as a crutch. While sex is an important part of your marital relationship, it isn’t the answer for reviving romantic love within your marriage. It may offer relief in the short-term but won’t provide what your marriage really needs to build romantic love.
The true work that needs to be done lies in your friendship and how you pursue each other. Sex is great, but relying on it to solve every dip in your relationship won’t fix the real underlying issues.
Plan Creative Romantic Experiences
Amanda and I have found that stoking the romantic love in our marriage requires time and planning. We need to set time aside regularly to create romantic experiences. In our lives, we’ve found that these things go on the schedule first or the schedule always comes first. For us, it has to take priority or it won’t happen.
These romantic experiences are simply regular date night. We try new experiences, laugh together, and put away distractions. Having this as a part of our normal routine continues to fan the flame of our relationship and build the romance between us.
Prioritizing these romantic experiences has been a game changer for us. They allow us to invest in creating an atmosphere where we can simply focus on each other and build our friendship.
Commit To Serve Your Spouse
The heart of romantic love is pursuing each other. It’s doing that extra little bit to share your affection with your spouse and tell them how they are special to you. One of the best ways to do this in marriage is through selfless service.
This isn’t the type of service where you take out the trash once a week, but a commitment to meet your spouse’s needs regularly. Especially if it is inconvenient for you. Committing to do this is one of the most effective ways to spark romantic love back into your marriage.
Amanda and I refer to this as “Meeting The Need!”
We all have emotional needs that we desire to have met. These can range from things like a need for affirmation to a desire for security. When someone meets these needs for us it causes us to experience pleasure and feel bonded with them.
Meeting the need is a powerful dynamic that can supercharge the bond between you and your spouse. Building this bond will, in turn, reignite the romance between you.
Begin to meet the need by committing to serve your spouse without expectation of return. Become a student of your spouse and learn their needs and desires. Once you know how to serve them well, do it daily.
Build The Romance In Your Marriage Again
A season of fading romance can be a shock to the system. It can feel like your marriage has taken several steps back and the love has begun to dry. Don’t be discouraged by this.
My hope is that you would understand two specific things:
- This is a common experience for many couples. There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage.
- You can reignite the romantic love between you and your spouse.
It will take openness and commitment, but you can build up the romantic love in your marriage again. It may take time, but I whole-heartedly believe that the end result will be much, much better than it was before.
Your marriage can, and will be, a place where romance rests as you and your spouse pursue each other with affection and love.