Dominating Vs. Leading In Marriage: Which Are You Doing?
Dominating Vs. Leading In Marriage: Which Are You Doing?
By Bradley Bennett
Are you dominating an area of your marriage without even knowing it?
In almost every marriage one spouse is more assertive or has a stronger personality than the other. This makes it easy for that spouse to begin dominating various areas of the marriage and marginalizing their partner.
I learned this the hard way in our own marriage. I thought I was leading in our marriage by taking control of certain areas, but in reality I was only dominating.
Those areas of our marriage weren’t the partnership God designed, but instead had become a dictatorship with me at the helm. I was convicted and decided to learn how to lead in the way that lifted Amanda up instead of pushing her down.
Recently, we’ve been digging into what it means to lead instead of dominate in our marriage. We want to share what we’ve been learning in hopes that it will serve as a self-diagnostic for you and reveal any areas where you may be dominating instead of leading.
Let’s jump in.
Dominating comes from insecurity, Leading comes from security
We may not realize it, but when we are dominating a portion of our marriage, it’s usually due to some hidden insecurity that we haven’t confronted.
These insecurities can come from any number of things in our life. You may have experienced financial pain in the past, seen infidelity in your parent’s marriage, or have some personal demons that you haven’t dealt with.
Leading in marriage, though, requires us to operate from a place of security. We must have the patience, confidence, and trust that comes from being emotionally healthy.
This means being open about our insecurities with our spouse and doing the work to heal.
If we don’t do this, then these insecurities will remain the driving force behind any dominating behavior in our marriage.
Insecurity can come in different packages, and here are some questions to ask yourself to help you think through whether you are experiencing any:
- Am I making decisions based on fear?
- Do I resent things in my marriage based on past experiences?
- Do I feel inadequate in an important area?
Dominating seeks to control decisions, Leading seeks unity
A spirit of dominance in marriage seeks to control decisions within the relationship.
The insecurity that defines dominance is often rooted in fear that pushes the dominant spouse to control situations. This can range from simple things like always choosing where to eat to bigger things like a major move or making all the financial decisions.
Doing this marginalizes the less assertive spouse. They don’t feel important or a part of what is happening in the marriage.
This is the opposite of leading your marriage well. A spouse that’s leading is more concerned with unity in decisions than anything else. They value the unique giftings their spouse has and want them to know they matter.
In these types of marriage, both spouses have 50% stock and equal say in the decisions that happen. Things get out of balance when one partner controls a “majority stake” or 100% of the stock.
Personally, this is one that I find myself struggling with pretty often. This is because I generally process through things faster than Amanda, which causes her to take more time to make decisions.
She usually thinks things through better than I do, but I can be more decisive at time.
Due to this, I just used to move on and make decisions without her because I could do it faster. It didn’t take long before I realized I was controlling most of our decisions because I wasn’t allowing Amanda the time to process and speak into the decision-making process.
I was dominating several areas of our marriage without knowing I was doing it.
In order to lead, and not dominate, I had to be okay with going slower in order to give Amanda the time she needed to speak into decisions. This has helped us have more unity and as a result we have more peace in where we are going as a marriage.
Dominating says “I’m the boss”, Leading says “God’s the boss”
A dominating spirit has a hard time submitting to anyone else’s authority. They have to be “the boss” in specific areas. This is because they need to be the one in control due to some insecurity or fear.
They won’t let anyone, even God, have authority.
A spouse who’s leading, though, understands that marriage is a continual act of submitting to each other and then ultimately to God
We see this truth written out plainly in scripture,
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” ~ Ephesians 5:21
We are called to submit to each other, but it’s supposed to be in the light of our reverence to Christ.
The only way this is possible is for us, as a marriage, to realize that we are not “the boss”, but in fact, it is Jesus.
Leading well means giving Him the authority over our marriage. When this happens, we put his direction before our desires and help point each other towards Him
Dominating demands to be served, Leading seeks to serve
A dominating spouse will often demand that they be served in order to have their needs met. They will rarely, if ever, take the initiative and selflessly serve their spouse.
They are constantly keeping score and ensuring the scales are even or heavily in their favor. Healthy relationships have a healthy amount of reciprocity, but a dominating spouse takes it to another level.
This can easily seep into the bedroom where a dominating spouse usually ignores their spouse’s desires and refuses to engage intimately unless they are the one “in the mood.”
A spouse that is leading will look to serve selflessly first. They lead by example and give of themselves in order to love their spouse.
They take the initiative and serve even when it’s hard. Their level of service isn’t determined by their spouse’s choices, but by their commitment.
Be Real, Honest, And Open With Yourself and Your Spouse
It took me a little while, but I realized that there were areas in my marriage with Amanda where I was dominating instead of leading. I had big fear or insecurities that were causing me to control everything that happened.
I had to take a real look in the mirror and make an earnest attempt to change my behavior. I encourage you to do the same. Dominating your spouse in your marriage is not a healthy long-term strategy.
Your marriage is designed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.
Just because you are the more assertive spouse in a specific area doesn’t mean you have to dominate. Instead, use your position to lead your spouse well. Love them and care about what they bring to the table.
You’ll be able to go further together and love more like Christ desires.