How To Destroy Your Marriage With Your Words (Part 3: Criticism)
How To Destroy Your Marriage With Your Words (Part 3: Criticism)
By Bradley Bennett
Criticism is in an interesting place in today’s culture. Many view it as a normal part of marriage, and yet there is no denying the destructive effects it can have on your relationship. We see people criticizing each other all the time and are told it is a “cute thing” married couples just do.
Before you continue reading, I want to share our stance on criticism: It has no place in a healthy, God-honoring marriage.
It’s not cute. It’s not okay. And it’s not something that a healthy marriage should allow to enter the walls of their relationship.
Criticism is deadly.
A Betrayal Of Trust
This may seem like a pretty strong stance, but Amanda and I have a zero-tolerance policy for criticism in our marriage. We don’t engage in it and we will call each other out on it quickly.
Here’s why. When allowed into your marriage, criticism will actively eat away at the intimacy between you and your spouse.
But the thing that breaks my heart the most about criticism, is that it’s a betrayal of trust and access. It’s a misuse of the unique position you have in your spouse’s life.
When I stood at the altar with my wife Amanda on our wedding day, I did more than say a few words. I gave her special access to my heart and she gave the same access to me.
When we enter into marriage, our spouse entrusts us with this access. They open themselves to us. And it’s through this unique position that we come to know our spouse’s deepest needs, fears, and dysfunctions. This allows us to know our spouse like no one else.
In a healthy marriage, this unique access allows us to love each other in ways no other person can. It’s an amazing, beautiful, and heavy responsibility. But it can be misused and abused.
When we enter into criticism, we are misusing the position we have with our spouse. Instead of using our access to build them up with our words, we are choosing to tear them down.
At its core, criticism is a betrayal of trust. We’re choosing to attack the person we have vowed to defend.
Loss Of Intimacy
Criticism is destructive to your marriage because it erodes intimacy. And intimacy is a defining characteristic of a healthy marriage. It is the glue holds spouse’s together, and without it, a marriage will drift apart until there’s nothing left but a semblance of a relationship that used to exist.
When we criticize our spouse, we are taking advantage of the special access they’ve given us into their heart. That access is designed to help us become more intimate, to become one and love each other deeply. But when we criticize them, we are instead using that access to hurt them more deeply than anyone else can.
Engaging in criticism repeatedly leads to emotional pain and will stop intimacy from developing.
“Criticism is an insidious behavior that comes into our marriage and eats at the core of our identity. Few things will shut down intimacy quite like being criticized or controlled, and it is capable of immobilizing your emotional health and personal growth, especially within your relationship.” ~Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott
Criticism Vs. Healthy Feedback
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” ~Ephesians 4:29
Criticizing your spouse is different than offering healthy feedback on a situation. In order to isolate criticism, we need to know what it is and what it isn’t. According to relationship experts like Dr. Steven Stosny Ph.D, feedback is essential for healthy relationships and differs in major ways from criticism.
Here are some of the differences between the two that he shares:
- Criticism focuses on what’s wrong. (“Why can’t you pay attention to the bills?”)
- Feedback focuses on how to improve. (“Let’s go over the bills together.”)
- Criticism implies the worst about the other’s personality. (“You’re stubborn and lazy.”)
- Feedback is about behavior, not personality. (“Can we start by sorting the bills according to due date?”)
- Criticism devalues. (“I guess you’re just not smart enough to do this.”)
- Feedback encourages. (“I know you have a lot on your plate, but I’m pretty sure we can do this together.”)
- Criticism is coercive. (“You’re going to do what I want, or else I won’t connect with you or will punish you in some way.”)
- Feedback is not at all coercive. (“I know we can find a solution that works for both of us.”)
When put next to each other, the differences are staggering. One of the simplest ways I’ve learned to guard my words towards Amanda is to live by the Ephesians 4:29 rule.
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up…”
I’ve had to train myself to stop and think about whether my words are going to build up or tear down. If they build up, then it’s most likely healthy feedback. But if my words are going to tear down… then it’s most likely criticism of some sort.
The Root Of Criticism
Choosing to criticize your spouse actually says more about yourself than it does your spouse.
“Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography,” ~Oscar Wilde
“Criticism tells you more about the psychology of the critic than the people he or she criticizes.” Dr. Steven Stosny
Repeated criticism often comes from a critical heart that is dealing with unresolved hurt. Many professionals agree that those who resort to criticism were themselves criticized at some point.
When we are wounded by criticism, it causes us to feel like we have to constantly build ourself up by tearing others, usually our spouse, down. Tearing someone else down defends our ego and makes us feel like we are more worthy of love.
Choose To Build Up Rather Than Tear Down
“For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.” ~Matthew 12:34b
Confronting criticism in your marriage has less to do with your words and more to do with your heart. Allow God to show you the value and love He has for you. Criticism can only be defeated when we do the work to heal the heart conditions that lead to a critical spirit.
Once we are confident of our value in Christ and the unwavering love of our father, it allows us to move forward without the need for criticism. For it no longer does any good for us to tear someone else down.
Imagine if the natural overflow of your heart was to speak encouragement to your spouse instead of criticism. That could change everything.
That can be your story. You can choose to be a spouse that builds up your life-long partner.
It all starts with committing to do the needed heart work. Once you do that, you’ll find yourself becoming a spouse that uses their position to encourage, inspire, empower, and love powerfully.