Constructive Complaining: Resolving Frustration In Marriage
Constructive Complaining: Resolving Frustration In Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
We need to complain more in marriage.
Was that weird for you to read? It felt weird to type. Telling people that they need to complain more is not the type of thing you find often on a marriage blog.
But I wholeheartedly believe that complaining is key to resolving conflict in marriage.
Amanda and I have found that it’s the main way we initiate important conversations about frustrations we’re feeling. It has to be done well, though.
We refer to it as “Constructive Complaining.” It’s a very specific style of complaining that puts us on the same team attacking an issue, not each other.
“Gentle words are a tree of life” ~Proverbs 15:4a
It’s nothing more than strong communication and the fruit we’ve seen from it has been great!
If we didn’t use constructive complaining then we would be taking away one of the primary tools we have to address and remove friction in our marriage.
So, if complaining is so crucial, then why is it something that people tell us to avoid? It really comes down to a few big reasons:
- We don’t know the difference between complaining and criticizing.
- We don’t know how to complain well.
My hope is to explore these two statement, break them down, and help you see complaining as a tool you can use to strengthen your marriage.
Let’s begin…
Complaining Vs. Criticizing:
What most of us think of as complaining is really criticizing. And often, when we try to complain, we are really doing nothing more than attacking our spouse with criticism.
This is so important because, according to professor John Gottman, unchecked criticism leads to contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He refers to these behaviors as the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse, which usually lead to a failed marriage.
Pretty easy to see why few would want that in their marriage, right? Unfortunately, in order to remove criticism, marriages throw the baby out with the bath water and also remove complaining.
In order to get one without the other, we need to understand exaclty how they differ. Let’s establish some common ground and look at their definitions.
Complain:
“statement of unhappiness: a statement expressing discontent or unhappiness about a situation”
Criticize:
“to find fault with – point out the faults of”
Those are two very different definitions aren’t they? But there’s one crucial difference that I want to point out.
Complaints are aimed at a specific situation or behavior, while criticism attacks a person’s character.
It’s all about where the focus is.
Complaints focus on how we are feeling about a certain situation while criticism puts the focus on what’s wrong with our spouse.
What Complaining And Criticizing Look Like
Let’s imagine Amanda came home from a hard day at work, had a short temper with me, and it bothered me. Later that day, I address it with her in the form of a complaint that looks like this,
“Amanda, earlier you were really short tempered with me and it bothered me. I was confused because I didn’t know if you were mad at me or something else. I don’t like it when you respond to me that way. Did I do something that upset you?”
Notice where the focus was. It was on me and how I was feeling. I didn’t attack or demean her character. This gets everything out on the table without putting her spouse on the defensive immediately.
Let’s take a look at how the same situation if I addressed it with criticism.
“Amanda, you were short tempered with me this morning and I didn’t appreciate it. There is something wrong with you and your attitude needs to change right now. I didn’t do anything to you and I don’t deserve to be treated this way. The next time you talk to me that way I won’t let it go.”
Did you notice the difference?
The criticism put all the focus on something being wrong with her and her attitude being all wrong. That type of statement would immediately put her on the defensive against my attack.
Too often, we think we are complaining when we are really criticizing. Knowing the difference is crucial.
Complaining bears fruit in our marriage. Criticizing bears frustration and friction.
Now that we understand the difference between complaining and criticism, let’s take a look at how we can complain well.
Rule #1: Give Each Other The Freedom To Complain Once A Day
The first step in using constructive criticism is giving each other the freedom to raise a complaint. Knowing that your complaint will be met with understanding allows both of you to be open and honest.
It’s important to note that you should cap it at one complaint per day. If you are sharing 10+ complaints each day with your spouse, then it may be a tip-off that there’s something deeper going on in your heart.
This freedom requires trust on both sides. The person offering the complaint needs to be assured that they will be met with understanding and the person listening needs to be assured that they will not be criticized.
Building this trust takes time and intentionality. A great place to start is with a conversation where you both agree to give each other the freedom needed to constructively complain.
Amanda and I give this freedom to each other by providing a space once per day (usually at dinner) to bring up a complaint. We are intentional at this time to ask questions that build intimacy and one of those questions is whether either of us has frustration.
Doing this helps us both enter into the conversation in a rational, loving state of mind. It prepares both of us to appropriately react to a complaint, if there is one.
Rule #2: Share How You Feel With “I” Statements
Constructive complaining puts the focus on how we truly feel. One easy way to do this is by using “I” statements.
These are statements of facts, from your perspective, that start with “I”. Here’s an example that Amanda may use with me if I left dishes in the sink after dinner.
“I noticed that there were dishes left in the sink last night. I really enjoy waking up to a house that’s clean and when you don’t finish your responsibilities it makes me feel disrespected. I don’t know if something came up last night but can we try and make sure the dishes are done before bed?”
Do you see how each of the sentences began with “I”? None of those statements are accusatory towards our spouse but instead focus on how “I” am feeling and what their actions communicated.
Rule #3: Talk About A Specific Situation
It’s easy for us to get busy and unknowingly do something that frustrates our spouse. Most of the time it’s not intentional but just because we weren’t paying attention.
Understanding that we can complain about a behavior that negatively impacted us without attacking our spouse is crucial. They may have left the dishes out, but that doesn’t make them a dirty slob. They were most likely just tired.
When we don’t bring up something specific, we are offering an ambiguous complaint. This often comes across as an attack because the only thing we have to point to as the cause of our feelings is our spouse.
This is why a constructive complaint addresses a specific situation. It gives a concrete description of the situation or behavior that caused the feelings. It takes the target off our spouse.
Specifics put us on the same team attacking a common situation, ambiguity pits us against each other.
Rule #4: Share A Positive Request For Change
Constructive complaining always ends with a positive request for change that’s shared in a loving way. It’s a simple action your spouse can take to resolve the complaint.
This helps you to not only a problem, but also a solution. You’re giving your spouse the concrete steps they can take to help relieve the frustration.
This takes the guesswork out of the equation. We can’t just assume that our spouse knows what to do in order to make us happy. Go the extra step to provide clarity for them.
Tap Into The Power Of Constructive Complaining
Thriving “Us” Marriages have no shortage of things that cause frustration in their marriage. The main reason those things don’t derail their relationship is because they’ve learned to complain constructively.
They know how to share their feelings about a certain situation without attacking each other. Each spouse can address their frustration in such a way that brings positive change to their marriage, not more tension.
No marriage gets off without some conflict. The only time we don’t experience conflict is when we actively avoid it by refusing to talk. And that’s not healthy. Addressing the frustration is necessary to build the good will needed for a thriving marriage.
Learning to use constructive complaining in your marriage will help make those confrontations more pleasant and productive. They will become moments that build your intimacy and friendship as you talk freely without attacking each other.