How To Destroy Your Marriage With Your Words (Part 2: Complaining)
How To Destroy Your Marriage With Your Words (Part 2: Complaining)
By Bradley Bennett
It may seem innocent, but complaining can and will destroy your marriage. When left unchecked, complaining will leave your marriage unfulfilling and captive to all types of negativity.
Not all complaining is bad, though. There is a balance we have to learn to walk. There is a healthy way to complain that is rooted in love. When used correctly, constructive complaining can help you move your relationship towards health.
But if not held in check, complaining can quickly become a destructive habit. Instead of a useful tool rooted in love, it can become a way to spew frustration and negativity.
No matter how badly you want it to be, your marriage will never be perfect. There is always going to be something you can complain about.
But just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
The true danger that unhealthy complaining poises to your marriage cannot be overstated. If allowed in, it will twist your mind in such a way that you will begin to hate what was meant to be one of the greatest blessings in your life.
Complaining Focuses Your Eyes On The Negatives
We only complain when we see something we don’t like. In other words, things that we perceive as negative. Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever complained about something I really enjoy or like.
I’ve never found myself complaining about Amanda’s selflessness or love for me. I like those things about her. When I complain, it’s because my eyes have been focused on something negative that I do not like.
Our tendency to focus on negative things is something built into our nature. As humans, we’re wired to see the negatives. We naturally see the things we don’t like. This is a trait that scientists call our Negativity Bias.
This trait is great for staying alive in the wild, but terrible for healthy relationships.
In relationships, our bias to see negatives works against us by creating a vicious cycle. The more we complain, the more it trains our eyes and mind to focus on the negatives.
Before long, we will find that the only thing we can see is the negative things we should complain about. Instead of seeing the amazing blessings within our spouse, we can only see the ways they are annoying or imperfect.
This is the true danger of complaining. The good news is that we aren’t held captive by our negativity bias.
Complaining Is A Choice
None of us are forced to complain about anything. We are in complete control over what comes out of our mouths. This is a freeing and powerful truth.
If you were to stop and think about it, you are probably aware of several things in your marriage that aren’t perfect.
Just the other day, I walked by the sink and saw a dish that Amanda said she would clean the day before. Instead of being cleaned, it was still sitting in the sink.
I could have complained about it, but I didn’t. We each have countless experiences like this each and every day.
Why don’t we say something about it? Because complaining is a choice. You have control over what you say and why you say it.
Understanding you have this control is the basis of emotional maturity. So, if unhealthy complaining is destructive but also a choice, then why do we often fall into it?
The Root of Complaining
If we are constantly falling into a practice of complaining, the root can often be traced back to discontentment. We feel as though what we have is not enough. Our perspective is on what we are lacking instead of what we have.
This discontentment is drilled into us by culture telling us that we have to be perfect, our spouse has to be perfect, and our marriage has to be perfect. This constant barrage of unattainable standards leaves us feeling lack what we have is constantly lacking.
And so we complain. Because our marriage doesn’t match what we see on Instagram or our spouse doesn’t live up to the standard we’ve been told they should.
If not dealt with, this root of discontentment will lead you to constantly complain. You’ll begin to hate what you have because it doesn’t match what culture tells you that you should expect.
This is all kinds of destructive. I don’t want it within 100 miles of my marriage, and I hope you don’t, too. But how do we do this if we are all living within imperfect marriages?
It requires a shift in perspective.
Live With Gratitude Instead
Your marriage is perfectly imperfect. It’s quirky, it’s not cookie-cutter, it’s got flaws, and it doesn’t look like every other marriage.
And you know what? That’s okay!
Your marriage isn’t supposed to look like everyone else’s. You have a unique, wonderful spouse and they most likely won’t meet all your expectations. Despite this, your marriage is simply enough.
Rip out the root of discontent. Train yourself to see your marriage for the wonderful blessing it is. Train your eyes to see the good and your mind to focus on what you are thankful for.
Instead of complaining out of frustration, learn constructive complaining and do it from a place of love. Use it as a tool to build a healthy relationship.
Choose to be thankful for what your spouse does and who they are today. This is the best way of allowing your marriage to grow and enjoy it at the same time.