Are You Too Busy? Why Busyness May Be Hurting Your Marriage
Are You Too Busy? Why Busyness May Be Hurting Your Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
Busyness seems to be a product of our society. We all rush from appointment to appointment saying, “I’m so busy.”
I’ve personally found myself, at different times in my life, wearing this phrase and lifestyle like a badge of honor. I had accepted the idea that if I wasn’t doing something every moment of the day, then I was doing something wrong. From my job to my volunteer responsibilities, I was on overload.
For you, it may be your job. Or maybe your kid’s have way too many activities after school. Perhaps you have accepted a lot of volunteer responsibilities at church or another organization. Somewhere along the line, you accepted more than you expected and are living a life of overloaded busyness, too.
When I’m living in this state of constant busyness I notice:
- I feel negative all the time
- I’m more pessimistic
- I’m easily irritated
- I don’t sleep well
- I’m constantly worn out
Can you relate?
It didn’t take long before these side effects of busyness started affecting my marriage. When I noticed the impact I realized that I may be “too busy.” You see, my packed schedule had begun to hurt my marriage.
Busyness Prioritizes The Urgent Over The Important
Busyness impacts your marriage in many ways that are hard to notice.
When we are in a state of busyness, it changes the priority of our lives. We’re forced to prioritize the things that must happen today. It’s as if we are barely treading water and have to do everything in our power to simply stay above the water line.
To put it simply, we are only focused on the urgent. The things that have to happen right now.
This is subtle, but when you begin to prioritize the urgent it means you are no longer prioritizing the important. Doing the things that truly matter gets replaced with doing the things that must happen today.
What are the important things in marriage?
- Date nights with your spouse
- Being available to have intimate communication
- A regular, healthy sex life
- Selflessly serving your spouse
Just to name a few!
Each of these is an important part of a healthy marriage, but none are very “urgent”. They don’t need to happen today… And so they get constantly pushed to “tomorrow” by the urgent, busy needs of today.
When you constantly prioritize the urgent over the important it means that your marriage is not doing the things needed to sustain long-term fulfillment and love. Like a car that doesn’t get its maintenance, something will eventually break down.
Busyness Gives Your Spouse Your Last, Not Your Best
I have a question for you.
Which is better to give the best part of your life (energy, time, and attention) to… your schedule or your spouse?
If you ask me that question I will tell 100% of the time that Amanda deserves my best time, energy, and attention. That is my desire. I hope it is yours, too.
Busyness will seek to flip that answer on you, though. It will subtly flip things until you are giving the best part of your life to your schedule and the leftovers to your spouse.
You see, in marriage, we don’t only manage our time but also our energy. The amount of energy we have reserved for our spouse determines whether or not we will love them well.
There have been seasons of my life where I have been so packed schedule-wise that Amanda has gotten my leftovers. I may have been physically present, but my energy was shot and I was irritable, stressed, and negative.
A constant state of busyness will dictate that your spouse no longer gets the best part of you. Even though you may desire to give them the best, your level of commitments will make it impossible.
Busyness Eliminates Margin
Margin is one of the most important things in cultivating a healthy marriage. It gives you the space you need emotionally and mentally to fully engage in your marriage.
Margin is the idea of having extra in reserve if it’s needed. It’s having stores saved up for your spouse when a hard day or time comes.
It’s impossible to have margin when you are constantly living in a state of busyness. Any extra you may have gets eaten up pretty quickly. You are simply consumed with using everything you have to get the next thing done on your overwhelming task list.
Living life without any margin is a pretty scary prospect.
I’ve been there and it’s not fun. Without margin, you are just one bad conversation, mistake, or error away from snapping. The emotional reserves you need to show grace and love are sapped.
Without grace it causes your spouse to tiptoe around you fearing they may upset you. This fear causes important conversations to go untouched and healthy conflict to be buried.
You see, margin is needed for these things to take place. And it can be damaging to your marriage if they are not taking place.
Choose A Blessed Marriage Over A Busy Schedule
A lifestyle of constant busyness may be hurting your marriage in ways you are not aware of. The badge of honor you are wearing may be the thing that is keeping you from experiencing the fulfilling marriage God desires for you.
Personally, I’ve had to come to the point of being okay with having nothing to do at times. I’ve had to open up the time in my schedule to actually do the most important work in my life, loving my wife well.
My hope is that you would not let busyness continue hurting your marriage. That you would value your spouse above your schedule.
I pray that you prioritize the important, not just the urgent. That you give your spouse your best, not the last. And that you build the margin into your life that’s needed to love well.