Offense, My Pride, And Learning To Apologize Quickly
Offense, My Pride, And Learning To Apologize Quickly
By Bradley Bennett
It’s going to happen one day. Sometime in the (most likely “near”) future, we are going to make a mistake and cause pain to each other. Whether it’s a short temper, a biting tone, or mean words, we are going to do something that hurts our spouse or they will do something that hurts us.
As it says in scripture:
“Do not be surprised when offense comes..” ~Luke 17:1
You see, we are humans and we are going to make mistakes because of our fallen nature.
The only thing we can control is what we do after that moment. Will we begin the restorative process of reconciliation or will we allow the hurt to linger?
I’ve learned, through plenty of trial and error, that my marriage with Amanda is much healthier when the time between my mistake and my apology is short. Doing this has helped us begin healing from wounds, whether small or big, that we inflict on each other.
“And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,” ~Ephesians 4:26
Choosing Love Over My Pride
Learning to do this has been a tough personal journey for me. When I make a mistake, I tend to shy away from apologies because of one big thing, my pride. I hate feeling that I’m in the wrong or that I did something that hurt Amanda.
I wish I could say that I am perfect at laying down my pride, but it’s something I have to constantly battle. Let me explain.
The other day I was driving with Amanda and had a lot on my mind. It was one of those days where a lot was happening and very little of it was going my way.
During our drive, Amanda asked me a question and I snapped at her with a pretty biting tone. Immediately, I knew I had done something that had hurt my bride.
I started wondering if I should apologize, but my pride quickly started flaring up and trying to justify the overflow of my frustration.
It tried to tell me that I shouldn’t have to apologize because she was “overly sensitive”. At that moment, I could have come up with plenty of justifications for why I shouldn’t apologize. There were a thousand different ways I could explain why I wasn’t in the wrong.
But, as I’ve come to learn, that’s not what a loving spouse is concerned with. In a “Us Marriage”, spouses care less about being right and more about being loving.
At that moment, I had hurt Amanda and that was all that mattered. The only question was how I would respond. Would I be loving or would I be “right”?
The Danger of Offense
When we choose to delay an apology due to our pride, we allow the wound to stick around. The restorative process is put on pause and another process begins. Except this one will harm your marriage, not help it, by introducing something called offense.
Offense comes when we feel unjustly treated. It whispers to us that we are unloved or being taken advantage of. It creates distance and erects walls that separate us from what has offended us.
Offense will cause all types of friction in your marriage.
While not deadly itself, lingering offense can open the door for some of his nastier friends like resentment and bitterness. You find these guys all the time in couples that have unresolved hurt. When traced back, the source is usually a small wound that was never restored.
When we mistreat our spouse or cause them pain in someway, it opens up a very real emotional wound. It doesn’t matter whether the wound is big or small, it needs to be dealt with or offense will find its way in.
The Power of An Immediate Apology
Our most powerful weapon against offense is the act of apologizing. It’s in saying two simple words, “I’m Sorry.”
An apology acts as an antiseptic on the wounds we inflict.
When I was younger and skinned my knee, I would put antiseptic ointment on it. It was a crucial first step in the healing process. An apology acts the same way.
Our apology begins the healing process by removing offense and clearing the air between us. It breaks down the walls and disarms both of us.
It’s the ultimate way of saying, “I don’t care about anything other than making sure you are okay”.
A quick apology leaves no room for offense to whisper it’s lies. Instead, it clear communicates to our spouse that they are valuable to us and loved above our pride.
The real power is revealed when a quick apology becomes our default answer to any hurt we inflict. This removes any opportunity for offense and helps us obey God’s command to engage in restoration quickly.
Building this habit into the DNA of our marriage acts as a natural repellent to greater hurts. We start restoration quickly and our wounds no longer linger. We are no longer paying ongoing interest on past pains.
So Back To The Car Ride…
After riding for a second in silence I looked over at Amanda and said, “I’m so sorry for doing that. I am frustrated and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you like that.”
Everything wasn’t fixed at that moment, but the process of restoration had been started. I had chosen to love Amanda over feeling “in the right” or “justified”. I had disarmed the power of offense in that situation.
Laying down my pride in order to apologize quickly is an ongoing battle for me. But it’s one that I will gladly fight for the rest of my life if it means communicating more love to Amanda.
As it says in Luke 17:1, “Do not be surprised when offense comes..” We are all going to cause pain or hurt, the main thing is how we will respond.
My hope is that you would choose to respond with love over prideful justification. That you would join me in apologizing quickly so that the power of restoration can flood your marriage and leave no room for offense.
Is There Something In Your Marriage That You Need To Apologize For Today?