One Simple Communication Skill That Will Transform Your Marriage
One Simple Communication Skill That Will Transform Your Marriage
By Bradley Bennett
Communication is the force that drives everything else in marriage. When spouses are communicating well, then like a rising tide, it will raise the other areas of their marriage along with it. The flip side is also true, though, and bad communication will seep into every area of the relationship.
Fortunately, good communication is extremely achievable. You can have it in your marriage, and it starts by learning one critical communication skill: Active Listening.
Once you master this skill, you will be well on your way to having better communication, and along with it, a transformed marriage.
What Is Active Listening?
Communication is designed to have two engaged, active participants; the listener and the speaker. Active listening is the skill by which we as a listener actively engage in the listening process in order to fully understand what the speaker is communicating.
For Amanda and I, our communication rarely worked like this. In the past, our conversations would usually devolve into one of us talking while the other was distracted by some device or thought.
In fact, I would say we had both mastered the skill of selective listening, not active listening!
I joke about this because I’m pretty sure we can all relate. For most of us, listening is not our strength. What isn’t a joke, though, is the harm that poor listening skills can bring to our marriage.
You see, communication is nothing more than a process for sharing and transferring an idea using words. When your spouse tries to communicate with you, it’s because they want you to understand the idea they are trying to get across to you. They want to feel heard.
There are two problems with this:
- We are naturally terrible listeners so we rarely understand the idea being transferred
- We are also naturally terrible at sharing our thoughts or ideas fully and clearly
These two problems, when combined, make it pretty clear how poor listening can lead to poor communication.
The entire point of active listening is to eliminate these two problems from communication by ensuring there is no ambiguity in the idea being communicated. It eliminates confusion and keeps both spouses on the same page.
How Active Listening Helps Your Marriage
I wholeheartedly believe that learning active listening can save a bad marriage and can take a good marriage to the next level. The biblical author James, when he was writing his letter, saw the amazing potential in learning to listen well.
“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” ~James 1:19
Taking this advice and using it in marriage can have an amazing impact! Here are just a few ways it helps:
It Communicates To Our Spouse That They Are Being Heard. A huge part of feeling loved is feeling like we’re heard. When we scroll Facebook or watch T.V. while our spouse is speaking, it communicates that we’re distracted, not focused. Active listening does the opposite and shows that we’re focused which helps our spouse feel heard, and ultimately loved.
It Helps You Understand What Your Spouse Is Communicating.95% of marital issues can be solved with better communication. Frustration, confusion, and disappointment are usually the results of a communication breakdown. Fully understanding your spouse goes a long way towards avoiding these breakdowns.
It Helps Your Spouse Process Their Thoughts. There will be times when your spouse is trying to communicate something they have not fully processed. This can lead to unclear communication and ambiguity in what was trying to be conveyed. Active listening allows you to help them process through these moments until you are both clear on what is being said.
It’s A Way You Can Serve Your Spouse. How many times throughout the day does someone stop what they are doing and listen to you? Actually put everything down, make you the center of their attention, and listen in such a way that you feel heard? If you’re like me, then the answer is probably never. Using active listening in our marriage allows us to serve our spouse by helping them feel heard in our marriage. It’s a gift we can give to them through service.
How To Use Active Listening In Your Marriage
Active listening is simple to learn but hard to master. It will take time and practice to do effectively because you’re having to break years of bad listening patterns.
Commit to doing the following things in your marriage and you’ll begin to see communication improve before you know it.
Put Away Distractions. Active listening should take all of our focus because it requires us to be actively engaged in the conversation. Start by putting away all distractions like cell phones or laptops and turning off the television or music. If you’re in the middle of something time sensitive, let your spouse know and ask if you can finish so you can give them your full attention.
Engage Your Body And Mouth In Listening. Studies have shown that giving head nods while listening makes the speaker feel heard and valued. It’s a physical, non-verbal cue that you’re following what’s happening. Remember, one of the primary goals is to ensure that your spouse feels heard. Another way you can do this is by sprinkling in affirmative words like, “uh huh” or “yeah” to give even more cues that you’re tracking with them.
Listen To Understand, Not To Speak. The goal of active listening is not to formulate an amazing comeback, response, or solution. It’s simply to help your spouse feel heard and to completely understand what they are conveying. This means that you should not be interrupting or thinking about what you’re going to say next. Keep your mind present in order to fully understand what’s being communicated.
Questions, Questions, Questions. Ask your spouse questions to help remove any ambiguity you have and to help them process what they’re communicating. Ask them about how they are feeling about a situation or what you can do to help.
Begin Transforming Your Marriage One Conversation At A Time
It may seem simple, but active listening can transform your marriage. Learning this one skill turns each conversation into a specific opportunity to love and understand your spouse. With each conversation you will be building trust, respect, and value.
I pray that you begin putting this into practice within your marriage. My hope is that you would begin laying the bricks for a better marriage one conversation at a time.
Focus on improving your communication and you will begin to notice that, before long, your marriage will be operating at a new level of love.