The 5 Essential Elements In Us Marriages
The 5 Essential Elements In Us Marriages
By Bradley
Doesn’t it feel like some marriages just have “it”?
I know you’ve spent time with one of these marriages at some point. You can’t help but feel a twang of jealousy towards the level of fulfillment they experience in their relationship.
You know what I mean. There is just some “X factor” to their relationship that allows them to live at a higher level of love.
Whenever Amanda and I see this, we know we are watching an Us Marriage at work.
You can spot them a mile away. The fulfillment they experience is special and it’s apparent in almost everything they do.
So, what is this “X factor” that sets these marriages apart?
Amanda and I believe the “X factor” is unity. It is the key to building an Us Marriage and experiencing the fulfillment that marriage was designed to bring.
Now, here’s the question: Can your marriage or future marriage have this “X factor” of unity also?
We wholeheartedly believe so.
Every marriage can build this unity into their relationship. This is not something only available to a special select few. You can have it as well.
It takes work, though.
After being around enough of these Us Marriages, Amanda and I began to see similarities among them. We saw their relationships had common elements that helped them develop unity in their marriage.
We took these similarities we saw and have condensed them down to what we believe to be the 5 Essential Elements Needed For An Us Marriage.
Focus on adding these essential elements to your relationship and you will be well on your way to building the unity your marriage desires.
Element #1: Common/Shared Visions and Goals For The Marriage
When a captain sets sail from his port, he always has an end destination in mind. He knows where he wants to go. The entire journey is plotted out, down to every meal they will eat.
Your marriage is a ship at sea. Us Marriages know exactly where they want to go so they can adjust their sails together to reach it.
Plotting out your desired destination is vitally important for building the unity you need in your marriage. And almost nobody is doing it.
Less than 3% of people have written goals. And I bet that percentage is even lower for marriages.
Goals are important to grow your marriage into the fulfilling and powerful relationship it was designed to be. Without shared goals, you have no target you are trying to hit. And the last time I checked, it’s pretty hard to hit a target you can’t see.
Most marriages take this stance of “just go with the flow”. Each spouse may have an inner sense of what they want, but they never communicate it. It is never shared and solidified.
They are not unified in what they want for themselves or their marriage. They are together, but not going in the same direction.
Eventually, this leads to a feeling of never being on the same page.
Us Marriages experience something greater. Their goals are unified. Surging in a singular direction that allows both partners to live a fulfilled life.
They have done the hard work of plotting out the unique destination they desire for their marriage. No matter what wind may come, they can adjust the sails and reach their destination.
Element #2: Intimate and Open Communication
Communicating intimately with your partner is crucial. Us Marriages have the hard conversations.
These couples sit down, put away the cell phone (OH THE HORROR! – stop it… you’ll be fine), they look each other in the eye, and they talk. They are honest with each other. Honest about their day, the good, the bad, the ugly. Honest about how they feel.
This is not an exercise for sissies. Guys who think sharing their innermost self is girly, aren’t doing it correctly. It’s a battle. Not against your partner, but an epic struggle to fight through the resistance WITH your partner and reach unity, together.
Standing up and prioritizing your marriage and wife by learning to communicate effectively is one of the most manly things you can do. You are taking a stand for your family and learning to be a leader.
Us Marriages know intimate and open communication is hard, but they choose to do the hard work and figure it out. They understand the value it brings to their marriage.
This type of openness can be terrifying. I know it was for me because it required vulnerability. But it’s essential for building unity.
Yet, in our surface-level world, it’s hard to imagine digging that deep. We are trained to avoid it at all costs.
If we need to have a hard conversation, we don’t have to talk with someone, we can just text them. Or better yet we can avoid all vulnerability and just ghost them… Decide it’s better to lose a relationship than have a hard conversation.
Are we feeling like we are being neglected? We don’t have to talk with our spouse about it. All we have to do is just watch another episode of The Office, or play a game and forget about it.
We’re trained to bury and ignore it, not work and talk through it with our spouse.
But that is where the battle for intimacy happens. When it’s hard.
Intimate communication promotes unity by laying everything out on the table. Our feelings, our mistakes, our struggles, and even our wins. True unity can only happen when both partners feel this type of intimacy. When they know they are completely open with their spouse and they are still loved. It’s impossible to build unity based on surface-level conversations about the weather.
Sure – those conversations are there, but Us Marriages dive into the hard conversations as well. The ones that leave them vulnerable. And more unified.
Element #3: Selfless Service
Marriage is founded on the idea of selfless service. We are each called to lay down our lives for our spouse.
This element is so important because it forces you to take the spotlight off yourself and put it on your partner. You look for ways to serve them and make their life better.
The best illustration of this is when Jesus washes his disciples feet in the Bible. (Read it here if you would like). Jesus throws away all pride and submits himself to performing a job reserved for only the lowliest servant in the house.
Us Marriages don’t let pride stand in the way of serving each other.
In our marriage, Amanda is the absolute best at this. (I’m still a work in progress)
We split the chores 50-50 in a lot of the respects. Amanda will often do part of my chores for me just to let me know that she loves me. It may seem small, but it’s a way she serves me selflessly.
These small acts of service are crucial and yet our world today seems so caught up in the big “wow” factor. The elaborate show of love or service.
That huge and expensive date night when we finally get a promotion. Buying them a puppy. Or a huge vow rededication service.
But those “big shows” only build unity so much. They feel good in the moment. You decisively win the battle that day.
But the war is won in the daily commitment to serve in small ways that no one else will ever see.
Selfless service is built on a daily basis. It’s built by being intentional about looking for opportunities to serve you spouse in some way. Not caring whether or not it will be “easy” for you to do.
A Me Marriage wakes up each morning and asks the question, “How can I make my day easier?”
An Us Marriage wakes up each morning and asks the question, “How can I make their day better?”
This is only possible when you take the focus off yourself. Building this element into your marriage requires daily action, especially in the small acts of service.
Those persistent small acts communicate big love. And, over time, they help build lasting unity.
Element #4: Continued Pursuit
Growing up, my mom and dad would always kiss and stuff in front of me. (I would always yell at them to stop, but honestly, it was nice seeing that they loved each other.)
My parent’s marriage is one that has that unity. They have an Us Marriage.
My dad never hid the fact that he was constantly pursuing my mom. They would go on date nights and “encourage” us to go to a friend’s house for a sleepover. (I actually didn’t realize what was happening until I was halfway through middle school).
They taught me the valuable lesson that dating doesn’t stop when your’e married.
Before marriage, during the courtship phase, couples are generally in the “puppy dog” love stage. Solely focusing on each other. Trying to find ways to express their feelings and desire for the other.
Our culture portrays dating as this great hunt. You use every trick in the book to snag your target. Once we have the kill (and put a ring on it) we settle. The date nights stop. We resort to watching netflix EVERY NIGHT.
Netflix isn’t bad, but do you really need to watch that episode of Friends for the 12th time?
We become like a man who only tells his wife he loves her once on their wedding day and promises to let her know if something changes. Our spouse needs to be constantly reminded they are desired.
This can only happen through continued pursuit.
Us Marriages don’t settle once they get married. They continue the pursuit of their spouse regardless of feelings. And trust me, the feelings aren’t always there. We are humans and our feelings are constantly changing.
A Me Marriage believes that they must wait for the feelings before they pursue their spouse. They have to “feel it”.
An Us Marriage chooses pursuit, acts accordingly, and knows the feelings always follow the action.
Pursuing your spouse is simply the idea of showing your affection for them.
But it’s not JUST what you do for them. It’s how you communicate your desire as well. In the way you speak to them, the way you act towards them, the way you try to win and woo them.
For guys this might be complimenting your girl or listening. Actually listening. Maybe being spontaneous with a good game pat here and there.
For the ladies, this may be making an amazing dinner. Or encouraging your man and letting him know how awesome you think he is. (Real talk, when is the last time you have encouraged your man? Really made him feel like he is amazing?)
The bottom line is this…. do something that makes your partner feel desired. To cause them to feel those “warm fuzzies”. You know, those little acts that bring a small smile to their face.
Continued pursuit is a choice, not a feeling.
Element #5: Grit and Grace
This last element is crucial because marriage is hard sometimes. Let’s be honest.
You are currently married to a human and there is one thing all humans are really good at. We mess things up. And your spouse is no different.
Every marriage is going to experience pain. I wish I had a secret to removing pain from your marriage, but I don’t. Sometimes life sucks. And sometimes, something your partner does sucks.
It’s in these moments that you will need grit and grace. When your marriage is laid bare all the way down to the foundation. When the “lovey-dovey” feelings aren’t there and everything seems like it’s upside down.
The definition of grit is to: have courage and resolve; strength of character. It’s having the courage to stick things out even when they are hard. Resolving to push a little bit more, just past your breaking point. And having the strength of character to stand in those moments and continue to love.
Grace is the ability to look past a wrongdoing and give someone better than you believe they deserve.
Most of the time that starts simply with forgiveness.
No marriage gets a free pass. I know Amanda and I certainly haven’t.
We’ve experienced job loss, walked with members of our family through cancer, and received personal medical news that shook us to the core. And that was just our first nine months together.
Every single Us Marriage that Amanda and I know has gone through some hard times. Moments that pushed them to their breaking point. But they had the grit to hold on a little bit longer, and the grace to give their partner the love they may not deserve.
They have this combination of elements built into the foundation of their marriage and it lets them weather these tough times and emerge with greater unity.
Conclusion
Adding these elements to your marriage takes a ton of work. We have to be intentional about building each and every one of these.
None of these things just happen. All of them require dedication, and that’s why “marriage takes work”.
But if you take the time to examine your marriage and work on adding these elements, then you can have that “X factor” as well. You can have an Us Marriage.
We want that “X factor” of unity in our marriage and in yours.
So here is our question for you. Will you commit, with us, to working on adding these elements into your marriage?
A great first step is to sit down with your partner and talk through each element. Do you need to work on your shared goals/visions? Have you not been communicating well? Are you being selfish?
Identify the elements that are missing and begin working on them today.
Live united,
~Bradley
Share with us! What element are you committing to add to your marriage?