Top 10 Marriage Lessons We Learned From Year One
Top 10 Marriage Lessons We Learned From Year One
By Bradley and Amanda
Can we be honest with you? Tell you a little secret?
Amanda and I aren’t perfect. There…. we said it.
We try really hard, but we make mistakes all the time. Sometimes we hurt or disappoint each other.
We’re betting that you aren’t perfect too. We are humans, we make mistakes, we’re messy.
One of the practices we try to put into our marriage is to intentionally learn from these mistakes and use them to build a stronger marriage. We believe in not making the same mistake twice if we can prevent it.
There are two ways you can learn wisdom.
- You can put your hand in the flame and learn from personal experience that it is hot. Or….
- You can learn from someone else who put their hand in the flame and never have to experience the burn personally.
We’ve made mistakes this past year, some larger than others, and we want to share them with you in hopes that you can learn these lessons without having to get burned also.
So buckle up and get ready for our Top 10 Marriage Lessons Learned From Year One!
Marriage Lesson #1: You don’t have to be 100% on all the time
This was probably the first lesson I personally learned in our marriage. When Amanda and I were dating, we didn’t get to see each other all the time.
We were lucky if we got to see each other twice in a week. Our schedules were crazy and I wanted to make the most of our limited time together.
I would give her 100% of my attention when she was around. For our dating relationship, this was healthy and allowed us to make those times together count.
But when we got married, the dynamic changed. And I quickly realized two things…..
Amanda was always there. And it was exhausting me.
At the very start of our marriage, I was still trying to be 100% “on” or focused on her. Whenever she was home, I wouldn’t allow myself to relax or just veg out.
This was bad for two reasons,
- I wasn’t allowing myself to do things that I really enjoyed and I was becoming tired and irritated.
- It annoyed Amanda because I was always around her. (Try annoying someone who loves quality time by being too attentive, that was me.)
We eventually realized that it was healthy for us to have time where we could just zone out. We could be in the same room but didn’t even have to talk. That may sound weird, but it has been miraculous for our relationship.
Let me give you an example, I really love gaming. It helps me decompress from stress and get relaxed. I also love reading for the same reasons. But both of those activities take my complete focus and at the start of our relationship, I wouldn’t let myself enjoy them because I thought I was “ignoring” Amanda.
When we finally let ourselves “ignore” the other for a little while, we were able to enjoy our own individual hobbies that we loved. The trick is to set boundaries so that you don’t end up like we did….
Which leads into our next lesson…
Marriage Lesson #2: Don’t Confuse Quantity of Time For Quality of Time
Before we get further into this lesson, you will need to know one bit on information.
Amanda and I do not share the same love languages.
Amanda values and receives love through quality time a whole lot more than I do.
When we first got married, this wasn’t a problem, because I was still doing my “be 100% on all the time” thing.
A few months after we made the decision that we didn’t always have to be 100% focused, Amanda mentioned that she felt we weren’t spending enough quality time together…
This didn’t make a ton of sense to me because I was trying to be home as much as possible and we were together a lot. We talked through it and tried to figure out what she was feeling.
One morning I was talking with a mentor in my life and he said, “Bradley, too many people confuse quantity of time for quality of time.”
This hit me like a ton of bricks…
I quickly realized I was an idiot. I had over corrected on lesson 1 and was spending too much time at home tuned out.
Even though I was home a lot, I realized that I wasn’t giving Amanda my focus. I was doing work, playing games, or on my phone constantly.
We talked through it and realized that there was a healthy middle ground for us.
We now have time set aside for us to relax and decompress individually, but when it is “us” time, we are intentional to protect it.
One of the best changes I made was to take literally everything off my phone that wasn’t necessary.
When we are together we focus on being present and don’t touch our phones. We talk and just enjoy being together.
Marriage Lesson #3: Asking Permission Shows Respect
Once you get married you are no longer responsible for just yourself. Everything you do also affects your spouse. Whether it’s a good or a bad thing your decisions affect more than just you.
One thing Brad and I have learned is to ‘ask permission’ before we plan on doing things. This can range from hanging out with friends, to purchasing something. At first I thought it was silly to have to ‘ask permission’. I felt like I was back in elementary school. However, we’ve found it’s just a small way we can respect the other.
It is important to take into account the other person in our daily decisions. If I’m planning on going out with the girls and Brad is planning and hoping to have a night in with me, we need to make sure we are both on the same page.
By asking if you can do something, it shows you truly are taking into consideration your spouse’s plans and desires. You are showing that you realize that your decisions affect them.
Now, Brad and I have never really said “no” to each other. If there is a conflict, we instead talk it through and see how we can move things around together if needed. Spending a little time talking through and compromising has been much healthier for us than making a decision quickly and not taking into consideration each other’s plans and feelings.
Marriage Lesson #4: Being Intentional About Spending time With Family
We all know once you get married things change. One of the ways it changed the most for us was with how we spent our holidays. When you marry your spouse, you are also gaining a new family! While this is great, it does bring on additional responsibilities, as we found out.
You now have to split your time and spend your Thanksgiving and Christmas at two different houses celebrating with two different families.
Personally, I thought this was great! I absolutely loved getting to spend the holidays with my family as well as with Brad’s this past year. Sure, it was sad not being with my family the whole day and having to change some of our traditions as a family. However, it is a new stage of life that is exciting.
One thing I have learned in this first year is that family is important. They are your foundation and community of people who love you and care for you. It is important to intentionally schedule time to spend with both sets of families (parents, siblings, etc) One thing that both of our families cherish are birthdays. We make sure to carve out some time to celebrate everyone’s birthday.
Another thing we try and do with our parents is to plan monthly dinners or game nights. With Brad’s parents they love to play spades. Each month (usually the first Wednesday) we go over to their house for dinner and spades. It is something we look forward to every month and it’s always in our calendar.
For my parents we usually try to make a point to either have them over for dinner on a weekend or to go out for dinner. We both really love watching football and sports so we usually try to plan around any of the big games happening at the time.
Being intentional and planning to spend time with family has helped us to stay close with them and not separate from some of our strongest supporters. Not only have we been able to be poured into, we have also been able to consistently see what a strong marriage looks like after all of these years. We have been blessed with amazing families.
Marriage Lesson #5: Conflict Isn’t Bad, Dealing With Conflict Badley Is Bad
Amanda and I share similar personality traits. That means our core personality traits also share the same weakness, we are “people pleasers” that hate conflict.
If you know us really well, then you know that Amanda and I rarely fight. It is something that we don’t do very often. Unless you are my sister-in-law, then you have witnessed more than your fair share. (sorry Megan, not sorry).
We naturally do everything in our power to not cause conflict because we don’t want to hurt the other person. While on the surface this sounds good, it can actually be a major problem.
You see, healthy conflict is actually a good thing.
Instead of healthy conflict, I would bottle up my emotions until I would be kind of cold and get easily annoyed at Amanda. That wasn’t fair and hurt our marriage more than it helped.
Amanda and I had to learn how to fight.
As long as it is handled well, conflict can help your marriage grow and be more fulfilling. When we mess up and hurt each other, it needs to be expressed and a resolution reached. No matter who you are, this will cause at least a little conflict.
How you handle these moments determines whether they will build or undermine your marriage.
Now we aren’t talking about knock-down, dragout type of fights.
Honestly, if you were in the room when Amanda and I work through some of our conflict, you wouldn’t realize anything was going on.
That’s because we both try to put conflict into a healthy place in our marriage.
We’ve decided not to fight each other, but instead focus on the circumstance and how we can fight that together to build a better marriage.
Marriage Lesson #6: You need a vision for your marriage to grow
What are you working towards together in your marriage?
When we were in the process of getting married, it was easy to see our current goal and vision. We wanted to have a wedding and get married. But when we had conquered that crazy beast (planning a wedding is literally insane) we experienced a “what now?” moment.
The goals shouldn’t stop once the wedding is over. If anything they should become even bigger!
For a few months Amanda and I enjoyed the plain fact that we were married to each other (and we still do! We try our hardest to not lose thankfulness for that basic fact) but eventually we hit a point where we were just coasting.
Things began to become a little “stale” and we started to settle into marriage. One morning during my study and devotional time, I was praying through why I felt like we were starting to fall into a “rut”.
In that moment the image of a descending escalator came to my mind. If you stand on a descending escalator without walking, then you will begin losing ground. In order to make progress, you have to be intentional about taking steps towards your goal, the top.
I believe marriages work the same way.
Growth has to be intentional or you are susceptible to moving backwards and falling into a “rut”. Having a vision for your marriage gives you a target to begin working towards together.
This makes you step out of your comfort zone. It makes you conquer battles together, create a story, grow individually, and eventually build a stronger marriage.
Amanda and I decided to set a goal together of seeking a more fulfilling marriage through extraordinary unity. That is what we are working towards everyday and we have seen some amazing fruit from it.
If you are interested in reading more about our vision for our marriage, we wrote an entire post on it here.
The moment we decided to begin taking steps to grow in this vision, we no longer felt like we were in a “rut”.
Marriage Lesson #7: Sorry Is A Magical Word
I was told growing up that sorry doesn’t fix everything. However, in our marriage it is a great starting point. It’s something that needs to be said often.
We are human and make mistakes. I’m constantly making mistakes and trying to get better. With that, I am constantly saying ‘sorry’. From the small things like, “sorry for being hangry” and “sorry for not holding the door open for you” to bigger things like, “sorry for snapping and saying something mean”.
Sorry is a word that Brad and I try not to hold back. We believe this has been important to our marriage.
One, it is a way of admitting that you are not perfect, that you have flaws and you don’t have it all together. Saying sorry requires that you become humble enough to see your mistakes. If you can’t get to that point, then it is impossible to begin growing and healing.
It is also a way to acknowledge and show that you are trying to get better. It shows that you are not only thinking of yourself, but also of the other person. That you care more about their feelings than about being “right” or the “winner”.
If I did not say sorry for accidentally burning dinner it would show that I don’t really care that Brad now has to suffer and eat burnt chicken nuggets (for the 10th time, oops). It doesn’t fix anything, but it is the starting point that tells the other we care about their feelings and realize we made a mistake.
Sorry has also been a magical word for another reason. It has helped us show empathy to each other when we are going through a hard time.
Being able to empathize with each other during the bad times this past year has been huge. When Brad goes through a hard time, I can sit down with him and let him know that I am sorry he is going through it. That he isn’t alone and I’m there for him.
Marriage Lesson #8: You Don’t Stop Dating Once You Get Married
I LOVE date nights. They are something Brad and I have made a priority to do every week and is something both of us look forward to. We usually plan it out in the beginning of the week so we can look forward and anticipate it.
Date nights are intentional nights we have set to spend together. And we protect them religiously. It’s not the “oh we don’t feel like cooking, let’s go grab a bite to eat” type of thing.
You remember that feeling you got when you were dating. You waited in anticipation for your man to pick you up on a Friday night to take you out to dinner and a movie. Who says that has to stop when you get married?
Brad and I found that we needed to intentionally continue pursuing each other. We shouldn’t stop making a big deal about spending time together.
We believe in it so much that we refuse to compromise it in our personal budget. We know that investing into our relationship is important and we protect it. If you don’t, then it is easy to put it on the back burner and stop doing it.
Marriage Lesson #9: It’s the moments you least expect that take your breath away
We all know those huge moments where the girl is walking down the staircase in the movie and looks stunning before the ball. In those moments you expect your breath to be taken away and experience love like you have never thought of.
At least that’s what I was expecting. That those moments of feeling so in love with Amanda would happen during date nights and anniversaries. But what I found was that it is the small moments that I experience those feelings of complete love and happiness.
Those moments when you are both in your bum-clothes and are laughing together at something dumb the cat just did. Those moments sneak up on you. But they are some of my favorites.
I can remember one moment in particular that surprised me. Amanda had just gotten home from work and was telling me about her day and something funny a kid at done during the class day.
I was listening to her but all I could think about was how beautiful she looked. How I loved the way she got excited and found joy in working with children (not all the time, mind you). If you aren’t looking for these moments, they can pass you by.
Being aware of this and intentionally looking for the small things that you love allows you to experience these moments. I know it is something I am constantly looking out for.
Marriage Lesson #10: Disciplined Budgeting Is Necessary
Statistically, the #1 reason for divorce is friction about money.
One of the hardest yet best conversations Brad and I have had is about budgeting. I came into our marriage without ever having used a budget before.
If I had money in my bank account I was going to spend it. I never went on shopping sprees or bought excessively, but I never had a plan for my money. I got my paychecks and if I wanted to use it going out to eat I did, if I wanted to buy a new phone case, I did. I had no rhyme or reason for how I spent my money.
Starting out our marriage we went through the Dave Ramsey course Financial Peace University. I was able to quickly realize all of the benefits of budgeting and how it is based on biblical values. I am so grateful that Brad and I went through this course together and went into our marriage with a plan.
We sit down monthly to do our budget. In these budget meetings we look at the past month’s purchases and determine if we were under or over our allotted amount. We also look forward to the next month and create a plan as to where our money needs to go based on the plans we have.
This was very scary and intimidating for me at the beginning.
I’m used to having my own money and deciding where I want to spend it. I didn’t ever have to think about anyone but myself before. My expenses had never impacted someone else.
When we would sit down it was weird for me to plan the number of times we could go out to eat that month, or how much money would go straight into our savings, etc. However, it has allowed me to open up and to communicate clearly to Brad in so many ways. If we have tons of birthdays coming up in a month we are able to plan for that and save a certain amount. If we know we are going on a trip we are able to designate a certain amount for that.
Most people look at budgets as constricting. Using a budget has actually made me feel even more free when spending money. I don’t have that constant nagging in the back of my mind wondering if I can afford that.
It has also brought a ton of peace to our marriage. Bradley and I aren’t able to hide expenses from each other. We have nothing to hide and we don’t have to be shady about how we are using our money. We plan it out together and get to do the things we want to do.
Conclusion
In the end, every day of our marriage is a lesson. We are humans and we are going to mess things up at some point. But we hope you got some value from this list and can find one or two marriage lessons that will help you build your own marriage.
Our mistakes are the things that can end up being the biggest catalysts in our marriage. It depends on how we view them. And whether we choose to learn from each other.
What’s a lesson you have learned in your marriage? Share in the comments!