6 Ways Your Husband Quietly Desires To Be Served
6 Ways Your Husband Quietly Desires To Be Served
By Bradley Bennett
This is the first part of a two-part series focusing on ways our spouse quietly desires to be served. Next week Amanda will talk through ways wives desire to be served.
The other day Amanda and I were chatting and she opened up about something that genuinely took me by surprise.
She let me know she was feeling confused because she didn’t know what she could do to serve me well. There were the normal “cliche” ways of serving like helping me with a chore or doing something kind, but she wanted more than that.
She had a desire to show me big love through selfless service and knew that it wouldn’t happen through cliches. Instead, she was looking for the things that I was quietly desiring. The things that I was afraid to share because they were so close to my heart that they would leave me vulnerable.
Those were the things she was searching for.
Talk About What You Desire
The reason Amanda’s question surprised me so much was because it caused a lightbulb to go off in my head. I realized that I had been avoiding this conversation because it was uncomfortable for me.
Telling someone how you want to be served feels extremely selfish. But, I believe that having this conversation in a loving way is actually one of the most selfless things we can do.
Laying everything out plainly for our spouse gives them every opportunity to serve us in a way that will show us love in a big way.
If we don’t lay things out for them, then we’re not equipping them correctly to stand alongside us as we fight for our marriage. We’re setting them up to lose.
Friends, I encourage you to talk with each other and be honest. Share with each other what it is you really desire and want. Sharing your desires is not selfish, but keeping them to yourself and expecting your spouse to read your mind is.
Having this conversation with Amanda revealed a lot. We’ve known each other closely for almost 10 years and some of this was new ground.
Today, I want to share with you some of the things that we talked through. While each husband is different, there are a few common things I believe most men desire.
My hope for you is two fold,
- That you would feel equipped to serve your husband in new and greater ways.
- That you would have a starting point to begin a conversation in your marriage about what both of you desire.
Let’s start with a pretty important one!
Encourage Him
Husbands all wake up with one question on their mind, “does she believe in me today?” When our wives go out of their way to answer that question, we feel like we’re on top of the world. We wholeheartedly desire it!
One way you can answer that question is by encouraging him. Taking the time to let him know that you are proud of him or think he is great.
Amanda often does this for me by leaving notes in places I find. I love those little notes because they answer the question in my head. It draws me closer to her and it makes me feel so loved.
This becomes even harder when you and your husband are not on the same page. But that’s where the selflessness comes in. Choosing to serve him through encouragement even when you don’t want to has such an impact on his heart.
We still want to know that you believe in us when things aren’t perfect. It gives us the strength we need to change or get back up.
Initiate Sex
Now ladies… You’re probably aware of this, but your husband probably likes sex… A Lot.
In most marriages, not all, the husband generally desires sex more than the wife. This leads to an interesting dynamic where the guy is almost always the one initiating sex. After a while, this can be exhausting and pretty discouraging.
One of the ways you can serve him and make him feel amazing is to initiate sex yourself. Take the lead one of these times and you start things off. Be spontaneous and fun about it!
As guys, we are simple. The moment you mention you want to be together, we are ready to go! It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate or special. We just want to know that you are desiring sex with us as well.
Enter His World
We want to be friends with our wives. Husbands don’t want mothers, we want someone to have fun with and live life with. We want a buddy who likes what we like.
I’m sure that your husband has hobbies or activities that he does which you don’t partake in. These are great opportunities to serve him by leaving your world and entering his. Taking the time to be friends, laugh, and have fun together.
For guys, activity trumps almost anything else. We connect with people that we are doing stuff with. Sit two guys in a room facing each other and neither will say anything. Give those same two guys a football to throw around and they’ll be best friend in 5 minutes.
I once heard a story of a marriage that was brought back from the brink because the wife decided to enter her husband’s world of hunting. She decided to spend time with him doing what he enjoyed and they became friends again.
He felt loved and their friendship grew as they had fun together. But it all started by the wife selflessly serving her husband by entering into his world.
Pray For Him
Your husband most likely has things on his mind that are causing him anxiety. He probably hasn’t openly shared them with you, either.
It’s just not how we operate as guys. We’re emotionally modest.
I generally don’t just come out and tell Amanda when something is bothering me. But, when Amanda asks how she can pray for me, I become an open book. It provides me an opportunity to share with her things that I need God to move in.
Ask your husband how you can pray for him and then pray with him in the moment. After that, continue to pray into the situation privately and follow up after a few days.
Knowing that you are thinking about us and sacrificing your time to pray alongside of us draws us closer to you. It shows us that you are on our team, helping us carry our load.
Allow Him Time To “Decompress”
“Decompressing” is a term used to describe returning to a normal state of being where you are relaxed. Most guys, myself include, need time to decompress and return to a normal, relaxed state.
It personally takes me time to go from “working Brad” to “at-home Brad.” This is especially true if I’ve had a crazy day at work.
This may seem weird to you, but men and women process things differently. Guys generally need to “zone out” and think internally. Ladies, though, generally process externally by “talking things through.”
Giving you husband space to decompress when he comes home is an easy way to serve him.
Instead of ambushing him and playing 21 questions the moment he walks through the door, let him have a few moments to process through the day. Let him have some time and begin to relax. Nothing super long, but a nice 5-10 minutes lets us collect our thoughts and be home.
This is a huge blessing to us and lets us know that you understand how we are feeling.
Speak Well of Him To Others
One of the greatest things I can say about Amanda is that I trust her to never speak poorly of me to others. Her opinion means everything to me and if she was demeaning me in front of others it would hurt, a lot.
There have been plenty of times when we have disagreed or haven’t been on the same page and she still talks well of me. Those moment’s take selflessness and I love her all the more because of it.
You see, your words have more power that you may realize. They can either be bricks that build your husband up or hammers that break him down.
Going out of your way to honor your husband in front of other speaks so much to him. He desires for you to be his biggest cheerleader.
Conclusion
You husband is quietly desiring to be served in specific ways. He may not have shared these things with you (yet!) but there’s a good chance that you can show him big love by serving him in one or more of the above ways.
Don’t stop there, though. Sit down and and communicate about how you would both like to be served. Don’t leave room for ambiguity or mind reading.
Selfless service is a major way we communicate love for each other. When we deny ourselves to serve our spouse it communicates that we value them and desire their happiness above our own.
Don’t settle for the “cliche” ways of serving. Get to the heart of things by being open and honest about what it is that will truly make you feel loved.