How To Set Unified Goals In Your Marriage
How To Set Unified Goals
By Bradley Bennett
We’ve been created, as humans, to grow. Today you’re (hopefully) nothing like you were when you were 5 years old. Most of us have grown up, matured, and developed as people.
The same needs to be true of your marriage. If you were to fast forward 5 years into the future, your marriage should have grown, matured, and developed.
This doesn’t just happen though.
We need to be intentional about it. And one of the ways that Amanda and I try to foster this growth in our marriage is by setting unified goals.
Setting unified goals together has been one of the best things we’ve ever done. It’s helped facilitate the growth our marriage has needed to remain fulfilling.
Without growth, it’s easy for marriages to fall into ruts. To get stale. Boring….
It’s easy to notice when a marriage is growing together. There is a spark to their relationship. They have a hill to climb and they’re working towards it.
Harnessing the power of unified goals in your marriage is vital for you to experience the true fulfillment that marriage was created for. And the first step towards setting those goals is to understand and prioritize unified growth in your marriage.
Prioritize Unified Growth In Your Marriage
Amanda and I feel closest when we’re working together to overcome some obstacle or reach a goal. In these moments we learn about each other, encourage each other, and do life on another level.
But growth, or a lack of it, can actually do more harm than good if not handled correctly. This is because growth will always manifest in your marriage one of four different ways.
If you’re not intentional, it can manifest in one of the ways that harms your marriage.
- The most common way growth manifests is when one person is growing and the other takes the backseat. One person focuses on their dreams and desires, while the other person plays second fiddle. This often results in the developing person feeling like they have “moved on from their partner” or are “being held back”.
At the same time, the partner taking the backseat feels like they are getting shortchanged. The marriage is always focused around what the developing (or driven) spouse wants and they are left feeling unfulfilled. This can often cause friction about children or other attempts to bring a sense of shared meaning into the marriage. - The second way is when neither person is growing. These are marriages held together by Netflix and ice cream. There’s nothing of substance and once the honeymoon phase ends, the sense of fulfillment goes right along with it. These relationships usually begin to feel stale and unfulfilling. Leaving both partners wanting more and searching for it in all the wrong places.
- The third way is when both partners are growing, but in a non-unified way. They are pursuing their own paths and not working with their partner. Eventually they wake up one day and realize they’re not together. They have slowly drifted apart and are no longer on the same page. They have developed and grown, but in direction away from their spouse and marriage.
- The last way is when both partners are growing together in a unified way. They have marked a destination together and are walking, hand in hand, towards it. Each day they wake up knowing where they are going. They encourage and help each other. There is a sense of fulfillment in the marriage, and as each spouse grows, they grow closer together.
When it’s laid out like this, it’s easy to see the importance of unified growth in our marriage. It can help bring you together instead of pulling you apart.
We are each responsible for our own personal growth, but in marriage, we must also learn how to mold it in such a way that we take our spouse into consideration and remain unified.
Disunified, or harmful, growth makes me think of Jim and Pam from “The Office”. Jim was growing in his business life and was doing great things, but he wasn’t unified with Pam. He didn’t take his spouse into consideration.
The friction that his uncontrolled personal growth caused in their marriage almost resulted in a divorce. He had a goal of getting out of Dunder Mifflin and growing his own business. Pam, on the other hand, wanted to raise their family and grow in Scranton.
Molding growth in such a way that it works for your marriage, not against it, starts by identifying unified goals together.
Set Unified Goals By Asking The Three Most Important Questions
Goals are a vehicle used to help us grow in a certain direction. They’re like a destination on a map.
Just like a captain of a ship knows his destination before he sails away, we need to have a clear idea of the direction we want to grow in.
The usual goals people set are things like, “we want to make this much money”. Or, “I want to lose this much weight”.
While these are good goals, they aren’t the actual goals you should aim for.
What happens when you make that much money? Or when you lost that amount of weight?
Instead, you should ask yourself what Vishen Lakhiani calls, “The Three Most Important Questions”.
These questions don’t focus on the “what” but on the “why” of growth.
Here is the first question… “What Experiences Do We Want To Have?”
Life is beautiful and experiences, not things, are one of the major factors that make it so. As a couple, it’s important for you to be on the same page about what you want to experience in this life.
Over the next few days, brainstorm different experiences. Each of you should create a list of 10 or more experiences you would love to have and share them at dinner or on a date night.
Doing this will take time, but you’ll learn a ton about yourself and your spouse.
Once you’ve both shared your lists, take them and morph them into one list of only 10 experiences.
This ultimate list will be the experiences you are working towards together.
Do you want to take a trip to Europe?
Do you want to be a parent? To hold your own child?
Do you want to compete in a half-marathon together?
Do you want to lead a conference about something? Start a blog?
Dream! Have fun with it! Share what it is you desire and talk about it.
You hold the pen and have the opportunity to write what experiences you want in your life. Dream big and be honest.
Next ask… “How Do We Need To Grow To Have Those Experiences?”
What you’re currently doing is probably not enough to allow you to have the experiences you’ve listed out. In order to have them, you’re going to have to grow in someway.
Let’s say one experience you wrote down was to have a baby together.
Some growth goals that you may write down to make that experience possible is:
- Reach a certain income that will allow you to comfortably have a child
- To become better prepared by meeting with people who have children
- To move into a bigger living situation that has room for a baby
These are the things you need to achieve before you can have the experience you want. These are your “growth” goals.
Take some time and examine where you are right now and where you need to be. Commit to being honest with each other and discussing where you may be lacking.
You may be much closer to having the experiences you want than you realized.
Third ask… “How Do We Want To Give Back”
Amanda and I believe that we’re blessed to be a blessing. Giving is an integral part of our life and it’s something that gives us joy to do.
As a marriage, you have so much to offer to people around you. Set aside some of your time, money, or resources to give back.
Explore what you are passionate about and how you can use what you’ve been blessed with to help others.
If you don’t plan to give, then it will never happen. Maybe you’re not in a position to give much at the moment. You may be strapped for time or money.
Don’t let that stop you.
Continue to dream and set goals for how you would like to give one day. Continue to push the envelope and set growth goals to help you give the way you want to.
Finish By Compiling Your New Goals
Once you have worked through each of the three questions, write them down in separate columns.
Have a column for your experience goals, growth goals, and giving goals.
Place this somewhere you will both see regularly. It will keep you focused on your new goals as a couple!
Remain Accountable and Celebrate The Victories
Setting goals is the easy part. Actually keeping them is where the rubber meets the road.
This is where pursuing your goals as a marriage is very helpful. You’re able to encourage each other on the bad days and celebrate on the good days by holding each other accountable.
One way to do this is through regular meetings I refer to as “State of The Unions”. These meetings are designed to create space for a married couple to talk through where they are right now regarding their goals.
Do you need to change something? Have you made huge progress?
Are you feeling discouraged or confused?
Talk through it. Express how you’re feeling about how things are progressing in your relationship.
Amanda and I usually try to meet like this once a month. We will combine this with our monthly budget meeting so we are remaining on the same page about several things.
You can do it more often if you want, but it’s important to check in regularly.
Conclusion
Setting unified goals in your marriage is important for harnessing growth well. When a marriage is growing together, they reach a different level of fulfillment.
Things don’t get stale. And the hard times don’t seem so bad.
Not setting unified goals can leave the door open for growth, or a lack of it, to cause friction in your marriage and potentially cause you to drift apart.
Prioritize unified growth in your marriage, ask the important questions, and remain accountable to each other.
By doing this, you’ll harness growth so that it helps propel your marriage forward.